The second generation of American Chinese is drifting away from their parents? Chinese parents describe different circumstances

Source: China News Network

According to the World Journal, Zhou Min, a professor of sociology at the University of California, Los Angeles, has been studying the intergenerational relationships and cross-cultural conflicts of Chinese immigrant families in the United States for many years. In Chinese immigrant families, she said, Confucian "filial piety, studiousness, hard work, and self-discipline" are often used as norms and codes of conduct for educating children. However, such guidelines are not easy to run and often lead to conflict. This is because in Chinese immigrant families, the parents are immigrants, and the children are raised in the United States, and the assimilation tendencies and speeds of the two generations are different. "As a result, intergenerational conflict in Chinese immigrant families has both common intergenerational conflict characteristics and cross-cultural conflict factors unique to immigrant families."

Many interviewees said their relationship with their children was "a chicken feather, full of difficulties." Anne, a hospital technician in New York, has three children, ages 27, 22 and 15. She said she felt that she had failed particularly in educating her children, and felt that the children had now grown into "four differents." Her feeling now is that the child has been raised and "lost".

"Grazing sheep and grazing" is becoming more and more difficult to communicate

After graduating from university 28 years ago, Anne went from China to study in the United States. "I wanted to be a 'sheep mother' and give my children to schools and teachers." Therefore, she adopted an attitude of "herding sheep and eating grass" to her children. She now feels that she is "getting harder and harder to communicate" with her children.

Academically, she said, all three children were excellent and were admitted to good high schools in New York City. "I just put some effort into the boss, and the next two don't worry about it." Later, both of the above children went to good college. "Applying to college is all done by the children themselves, and they don't bother me."

However, the children's dressing made her "angry to death". The daughter often wears clothes that are exposed to the navel, shoulders and thighs, and dyes her hair blue or purple. The eldest son had to have pierced ears, wear earrings, and dye his hair blue. "I had a lot of arguments with them about this, especially during the adolescence of my children." Fortunately, she said, the child did not go too far, so that she could bear it.

In March last year, when the outbreak broke out in New York, the youngest son who was in high school had been attending classes at home for more than a year and suffered from "depression". She believes that the main cause of her son's depression is not internal lesions, but environmental problems. She said that if the younger son went to school, had friends, and often went outdoors to exercise, the depression would be better, but the younger son said that it was "chemical change in the brain" and was clamoring to see a psychologist.

Later, she took her youngest son to see a psychologist and followed the doctor's instructions to take medicine. After taking it, the younger son felt that it worked and asked to increase the dose of the drug. But she believes that taking Western medicine will not turn back in the future, and suggested that her younger son go to acupuncture and take Chinese medicine, "as a result, he was attacked by three children." She said that her youngest son is now 15 years old, and she can still control it, "if he wants to drink Chinese medicine, he has to drink." However, the two older children no longer take Chinese medicine.

At present, the eldest has graduated and found a part-time job, the daughter has found a job after graduating from college, and the third is in high school. "They're in a group of three, dealing with us." She blamed herself for not paying attention to educating her children about the worldview when they were young. "I always think that if a child can get into a good primary school and a good middle school, there will be no problem."

She said that when she was an international student, her studies were relatively heavy, and she was busy with work after employment, and rarely celebrated Chinese festivals. "Year after year, I forget what they mean." Now, the child has no impression of these festivals; she regrets that she did not take the children to live traditional Chinese festivals since she was a child, so that the children can understand the traditional Chinese culture. "Now that I'm free, the kids are grown up and it's too late to teach."

Reject parents' meddling in ABC's quest for independence

Dennis, a Chinese in New York, has a son and a daughter, both born and raised in New York, aged 20 and 18. He said the ABC (American-born Chinese) is a unique group. "Culturally, they are located between Chinese and foreigners." He said his children established their career aspirations early on. "Children are more independent and don't let their parents ask questions."

He said his son would be a lawyer and his daughter would be a doctor. The son went to Duke University in South Carolina, while the daughter applied to Los Angeles University. "The University of California has nine campuses, and my daughter applied to eight of them." He said that if children in New York attend the City University of New York (CUNY) and State University (SUNY), there is no money for tuition, and it costs seventy or eighty thousand dollars a year for his daughter to go to California. Children also rarely contact them. "But when it came time to pay the tuition, they called."

Most children in the growth stage have a rebellious period. He said his daughter often had conflicts with her mother, while her son was better off. He said the couple didn't force their children to do anything. "If the child doesn't want to do it, don't do it." For example, he said, the child first learned the piano, but then liked the violin and "agreed to learn the violin instead."

They didn't force their children to learn any profession, he said. If you force your child to choose a major they don't like, not only will they not learn well, but they will have to work against their parents in the future, and there is no need. "There's been a lot of examples like this." After the child finishes college and participates in the work, it is his own business. "We can't give them the life they want, they have to work on their own."

The basis for the child's choice of major is his own interest. "He chooses it himself, and he must learn it well." This, he said, is different from traditional Chinese thinking. In China, most students choose a major to consider finding a job and making more money, but American children choose based on their interests. Some children may also choose majors such as archaeology and history, which are difficult to employ.

Westernization of thinking ignores Chinese traditions

Dennis said ABC's relationship with immigrant parents is worse than that of Children Born in China. There is a saying in China, "I raise you small, you raise me old." The immigrant generation will be filial to their parents, but in the ABC generation, there will be none.

When the children are young, they often take the children back to their hometown in China to see. However, when the child is older, "once the summer vacation comes, they have their own arrangements." "Therefore, after the child went to high school, he never went to China again." They feel like they're Americans and have no feelings for China. "In fact, the child has been Westernized.

He said these ABC would not actively care for their parents. Once they get married and have children, they will raise their next generation and will not ask their parents to take care of them. He also admitted that this is not absolute, and some ABC have a good relationship with their parents. "And Chinese children who come to the United States halfway have the concept of filial piety, which is different from ABC."

He has no requirements for the other half of the child's future, "even if he has an idea, he will not say it to them." He estimates that the future half of the child will most likely be Chinese, perhaps Asian. His children's friends are more Chinese. He said that in the good high schools in New York City and Long Island, there are many Chinese children, and now more and more.

Subtle Persistence in communication works

Ms. Xue, a Chinese in New York, has a son and a daughter, both of whom attend high school in New York City. She had long heard that ABC children had a hard time getting close to their parents, mainly because they often contradicted their parents' views. "In order to overcome this problem, I often talk to my children." She said she currently has a "good relationship" with her two children.

She said she set up a sleep ritual for her children when they were four or five years old. After the child has gone to bed, she will go to talk to the child for two sentences. The first sentence is "good night", and the child answers "good night". In the second sentence, "I love you," the child answers "me too." "This habit has been going on for more than a decade."

She also took the initiative to chat with the children and talk about school matters. "In the beginning, the children didn't want to talk, so I tried to inspire them." For example, she repeatedly asked what happened in the school today, what the classmates said, and whether any students in the class were infected with the new crown virus. "If the children don't want to talk, I sit patiently next to them and have nothing to say, so they will also talk about something."

In addition, the father of the child tells a story to the child every weekend. "In the beginning, my husband told stories of Chinese history." For example, her husband has told stories such as Cao Chong's elephant, spear and shield. Now he talks about current affairs in the United States. For example, when there was a shooting in Chicago, the husband also told the child, discussed with the child where the problem was, and how to deal with such a thing.

Now both children are taller than their mothers, and she treats them as adults. She said that many Chinese parents like to force their children to choose a profession that is good for finding a job, but their children do not like it and eventually turn against their parents. "I told them long ago that they can learn whatever they want and respect their choices." (Han Jie)