In the past two days, the news of the announcement of the divorce of Chen Yanan, the daughter-in-law of the coat brother-in-law, has aroused heated discussion on the Internet, on the one hand, the daughter-in-law Changwen has painfully chen Yuanwei, and on the other hand, the father-in-law's agent has issued the "Seven Questions of the Soul", which can really be said to be "public saying that the public is justified, and the daughter-in-law is wronged.". Is this "it difficult for officials to judge family affairs", or is it due to human nature?
The joy of the lively wedding a year ago seems to be still unfinished, and a marriage has lit up a red light. Putting aside the complicated family background of Brother Coat to see the marriage of the general public, we have to say that although the marriage is mostly beautiful at the beginning, the heart is easy, the love is very simple, and the long-term stable intimate relationship is really very rare.
Most couples, for the rest of their lives, will inevitably have to face various contradictions. While dealing with the difficulties of life together, how can we be harmonious and intimate together, and turn the passage of time into a gift of life?
American best-selling author Jon Gordon and his wife, Catherine Gordon, co-authored the book "Intimacy---- The Beauty of Relationships." In the book, they recall the bits and pieces of the past, and use the dialogue summary method to make it easier for each other to enter each other's hearts and complete the perfect transformation of the intimate relationship.
Reading this book is like listening to a passerby who has never been alive to tell the story of his private life over the years, from romantic moments, survival struggles, gathering and scattering sorrows and joys, and encountering a familiar self. The protagonist has endured the wind and rain, endured the hardships with great perseverance, and finally saw the rainbow hand in hand. In the process of the common transformation of husband and wife, there are gains and losses, there are trade-offs, and there is a way to get along with a beautiful intimate relationship.
(Image from the Internet)
1. You are dreaming of love, he is pursuing a career, how can intimate relationships be harmonious?
As Mr. Yang Dai said: Years are quiet for a moment, and chicken feathers in a place are daily.
After a romantic encounter and love affair, Jon and Catherine entered the palace of marriage. Shortly after the marriage, Catherine became pregnant, but Jon said he wasn't ready. At Catherine's insistence, the child was born, but Catherine's body developed a serious illness.
At a time when his wife needs support both physically and mentally, Jon is busy developing his own business. He had no intention of caring for his wife and daughter at all, and even indifferently said to her, "You must cheer yourself up, I can't help you, I have a lot of things to do." ”
Recalling the experience years later, Jon says he was most concerned with career and success, not marriage and family. So, when his wife called from the hospital for help, he thought his wife had picked the worst time to get sick and complained that she was causing trouble for herself. He rightly told Catherine that he couldn't leave and let her figure it out for herself.
Jon regretted his youthful ignorance, but he admitted that he did think that way. Even after that, he had the experience of cheating, and Catherine, who was busy taking care of the children and the family, did not notice it until he himself could not suppress his inner uneasiness and confessed himself.
I remember someone once said: Marriage is a practice of two people. In this practice, the most hurtful thing is not the quarrel, not the feelings that turn from thick to light, but the heart is like ashes. Desperate, Catherine even wanted to end her life to stop the nightmare of this marriage.
In real life, many people enter marriage, mostly hoping to establish a strong and stable intimate relationship, so as to face the ups and downs of the future together. However, they never thought in any way that the countless storms in their future lives came from this intimate relationship. Whether the relationship should be maintained or not, and whether the marriage should continue, has become a difficult choice that many people in the besieged city have to face.
Luckily, our protagonist, Catherine, calmly confronts her own despair, and as she struggles to remember Jon's original kindness and love, she decides to stay and fight for her life.
The image comes from the internet
2. Love him, not because he is like you, but because he is himself
Jon mentioned in the book "Intimate Relationships---- The Beauty of Interpersonal Relationships" that 99.9% of couples will experience labor pains, which may come from communication quarrels, emotional betrayals, or because of children's education and financial problems. Although the root causes of problems are always complex, the imperfections of the parties themselves are an inevitable common factor.
So the book says that the true meaning of building an intimate relationship is that two imperfect people come together and learn to overcome their shortcomings and exert the power of two people. After all, no one person can be perfect, we can't do it ourselves, and the other party can't do it either. Sometimes, even in different contexts, a person's strengths sometimes translate into weaknesses.
For example, Jon was initially attracted to Catherine's casualness, cheerfulness, and sunshine, and he felt that she was like a beam of light, a happy light that was always laughing. But after getting married, he hoped that Catherine would become more organized, more focused, more detail-oriented, and he forgot that he was not the same person he was going to marry.
In fact, couples who come together for different reasons, after getting married and having children, tend to desire each other to be more like themselves, have the same ideas, the same habits, the same pursuits, and in short, people will be eager to turn each other into what they imagined.
However, because they come from different original families and have different growth experiences, it is like two items grown in different molds, and no one can be chiseled into another shape. Moreover, people not only do not want to be changed by others, but also subconsciously want to change each other.
When two imperfect people walk into such a contradictory intimate relationship, it is impossible to completely avoid the wind and waves, what we need to do is to learn to overcome each other's shortcomings, give each other tolerance, respect each other, and achieve each other. Of course, this is not an easy task, but fortunately we have the rest of our lives to learn.
3. You are good, I am not bad, I will always deserve your deep love
A good marriage needs to be managed, and the secret of running an intimate relationship is to grow together. Because, there is no unchanging relationship, only the beauty of being side by side. It is difficult to live a lifetime by love, love will slowly disappear with the passage of time, but we can make each other continue to fall in love with ourselves through efforts.
You are very good, I am not bad, I always deserve your deep love, this is the most beautiful love story in the world. To do this, both husband and wife must work together from many aspects, grow together, and use the strength of two people to accompany each other happily for a lifetime.
First, try to change yourself, not others. All relationships are actually relationships with yourself, and if you want to improve your relationship, you must first make yourself better, and your transformation is likely to make the other party change. As Catherine says: You can expect others to change, but you can't force them to change; you can give them an ultimatum, but the person who makes the change has to be themselves.
In fact, from the moment you decide to make a change for a relationship, everything will change for the better, which requires no talent and skill, just the desire to make changes for yourself and your loved ones. The way of husband and wife lies in being willing to pay for each other in order to achieve each other and grow together.
Second, expect less and appreciate a little more. When we find out that our partner is not what we expect to be, seriously ask ourselves whether we want to leave and find someone more like ourselves, or choose to appreciate the difference between the other person.
As I said before, no one will be the same as we expect them to be. Instead of focusing on a certain point that the other party is doing wrong, it is better to pay attention to what the other party is doing well and give the other party more interaction, praise and encouragement. Just think, who would you rather be with? Is it the guy who always makes you feel like a failure, or the guy who makes you feel confident?
In fact, the more you praise someone for doing something right, the easier it is for the other person to get it right; the more you praise your partner, the more you will like each other. Appreciation and praise are like an investment in marriage, and the more you do, the greater the gain.
Finally, effective communication is needed to find a common vision. While appreciating the differences, it is also necessary to find common ground between both parties through effective communication, find what each other wants to do together, find a common vision, and then spend each other's time and energy more on these things.
Catherine said that when you illuminate the problem with a beam of light, the darkness will disappear and your relationship with each other will be more intimate. This light is effective communication, through which you can not only find problems and solve problems, but also find similarities and find common goals. Jon and Catherine believe that couples should be a team, and the same goal, the same future, is the premise of a team to achieve their dreams.
Write at the end:
There is a defense in the hit column "Strange Story": "When I became a big girl, I knew that love is not luck, but an ability; love is not to find a person who is very suitable for you, but to find a good person, so that you can slowly fit with him." 」 ”
The book "Intimate Relationship ---- The Beautiful Way of Interpersonal Relationships" allows us to clearly see the growth process of a couple slowly and appropriately with each other.