Lu Xiaoman and Xu Zhimo love the earth, why are they not happy after marriage?

Text/Song Wan

Marriage, for a woman, is a second reincarnation. Most women face a lot of uncertainty when faced with marital and emotional issues.

People can't see their whole lives, just as we can't predict how a boy we meet at 25 will affect you at 80, so many decisions are often blind.

But we can look at the marriages of others, such as the marriage emotional journey of Lu Xiaoman and Xu Zhimo, famous ladies of the Republic of China, and we can find some enlightenment from them.

A generation of talented women Lu Xiaoman, the last thing left to the world is not her artistic achievements, but her emotional anecdotes.

She and Xu Zhimo fell in love with the earth, vigorously, but after marriage, they were still unhappy because of the three mistakes she made in marriage.

The lack of synchronicity in life is the foreshadowing of marital unhappiness.

Lu Xiaoman is a famous woman, a social flower, who likes to be bustling and lively; Xu Zhimo is a poet, a teacher, and likes to be quiet and quiet. The difference between two people actually existed from the beginning.

It's just that when they met, Lu Xiaoman was drowning in the cold marriage, Xu Zhimo had just been frustrated by Lin Hui's rejection, one was lonely in the marriage, one was lonely in the lost love, and the same was a fallen person in the end of the world, and it was inevitable that they would feel sorry for each other. As a result, love is like a fire that burns rapidly.

At the beginning of their marriage, they also had a period of immortal life.

Xu's father built a small Western-style building in their hometown of Jiaoshi, and Xu Zhimo named the main building "Xiangchao" and the study "Meixuan", which looked like a love that could not be dissolved.

Their honeymoon period is spent here, the hermit pastoral life, Shima writing books, Xiao Man left and right, love, they are immersed in the incomparable sweetness.

But after moving to Shanghai, it became the beginning of a disaster.

Xiao Man turned on her "Celebrity Mode", singing night and night. She first contacted and interacted with a group of Shanghai celebrities such as Tang Ying, and the circle of activities continued to expand. With Xiao Man's fame in Beijing and the legendary wedding with Shima, the number of visitors was endless. Shrouded in this aura, Xiao Man was incomparably useful.

Since then, Xiao Man has lived a black-and-white upside-down life. Go out at night to play cards, dance, watch plays, and sleep until three o'clock in the afternoon during the day. After lunch, I dressed up and repeated yesterday's story, and so on.

When Shima returned home after a long day's work, he could hardly see Xiao Man's figure. This kind of life of day and night, even under the same roof, Shima could not find the opportunity to be alone with her. He wrote in his diary:

"You really don't know how I've longed to walk with the two of you once, or go out to dinner together, or watch a movie together, and make others envious... I've kept it for a few years, and I can't even keep a single chance, you don't have a single day that isn't engaged (time occupied, contracted), and we've never been privacy(undisturbed, alone). By recently, I had become partially numb and didn't want to go to that kind of worldly happiness. ”

Xu Zhimo is a poet, and what he yearns for is to "take a book, walk ten miles, choose a pure place, look at the sky, listen to the birds, when tired, and look for dreams in the grass."

The communication that Lu Xiaoman is good at is meaningless and a waste of time in Xu Zhimo's eyes.

Xu Zhimo advised her: "If you love me, you should obey me." Go to bed early at night, get up at ten o'clock in the morning... Every day the sun is good to go to the park. ”

However, Lu Xiaoman was immersed in the "stars holding the moon" in the social field, and could not listen to Shima's advice at all, but complained that Shima had become loving and restraining her, and did not accommodate her as before.

As the saying goes, "husband sings with women", the synchronization of life in marriage is very important, that makes people feel that two people are living together, not with the house, with the air.

Couples who can synchronize their lives, even if there is a problem, can be solved in the first time.

If life cannot be synchronized, then two people will drift apart, laying the groundwork for an unhappy marriage.

Spiritual dissynchronism is a catalyst for marital unhappiness.

Lu Xiaoman is talented, learning calligraphy and painting from an early age, and understands English and French.

Lu Xiaoman, 18, worked as a translator at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and became the first Chinese woman to set foot in the diplomatic field. Even Gu Weijun, the "first diplomat of the Republic of China," praised her. 3 years of diplomatic career, let her become a sensational beijing celebrity.

After Xu Zhimo's death, she regained her brush, worshiped famous teachers, studied hard, and her painting level gradually improved, holding a personal exhibition, and became famous as a painter in her later years.

At the beginning of knowing Xiao man, Xu Zhimo was not attracted by her talent and temperament. However, in their 5-year marriage, Lu Xiaoman was like a sick cat, throwing up time and failing to live up to his talent.

Obsessed with opera, Xiao Man is keen to participate in some ticket fans' concerts, and forces Shima to perform with her on stage.

In his diary, Xu Zhimo told his discomfort more than once:

"In that air of bitterness, suspicion, and murder, my nerves always felt an inexplicable oppression."

"I wanted to go alone to a remote church on the winter solstice to listen to a few folds of Christmas songs, but I put on my bloated robes and went on stage to perform uncomfortable 'rotten' plays. I wanted to write a few lines of poetry alone on a frosty winter night from the warmth of the spirit, but I followed people to the waxed dance hall to envy the shoes and socks of the ladies. ”

Poor Shima, for the sake of his loved ones, made himself almost split.

Xu Zhimo advised Xiao Man to dispel the idea of going to the screen, work literature and art, and seriously learn to paint and write, With your cleverness, as long as you are patient, nothing can be done, you really have to fight for breath, shame this snobbish world is good! ”

However, Lu Xiaoman was addicted to pleasure, where he could listen, continued to live a black and white upside down life, and later smoked opium. The once talented Lu Xiaoman was long gone.

Xu Zhimo watched his wife swallow clouds and spit mist, lingering on the smoke bed, falling day by day, and his heart was "like a crab crawling sideways." Thinking of his unbearable situation, in order to make a living, he taught at three universities at the same time; in order to make more money, he even pulled down his face and became an antique resale and a housing agency.

As a new poet with a national reputation, he had not written a poem for a long time, and he could not calm down when he wanted to translate his beloved Shakespeare.

However, Lu Xiaoman still felt very condescending, and she wrote in her diary: Shima not only was not as good to me as in the past, but also interfered in my life, telling me not to play cards, not to smoke opium, to manage my head and feet, I can't live such a restrained life. I am a bird in a cage, and I want to fly, flying into the lush woods, free.

No matter how good the feelings, they can't be done once and for all. The distance between two people does not suddenly become larger, if the development of the two people is not the same, then it is necessary to communicate more, communicate more, pull each other together, and grow together. If the heart goes far, the emotion will fade.

In "Explaining Words", it is said that love is to go all the way. To maintain a long-term marriage, it is necessary to keep two people not only walking all the way in life, but also mentally. A good marriage needs to move forward and grow together.

Lack of responsibility is the fatal wound of marital unhappiness.

After marriage, lu Xiaoman, who is in a state of "no marriage", does not seem to understand what marital responsibility is. She never knew how to do housework, of course, according to her status and conditions, after marriage, she did not have to handle housework like an ordinary woman.

However, she never cared about her husband's diet and living life, did not give her lover any support, and still took herself as the center and lived a profligate life.

The lack of concern for her husband can be explained by a small matter of life: a university professor, who does not get the care of his wife in terms of food and clothing, actually wears a tattered cotton robe to class every day, but Lu Xiaoman, as a wife, does not care. Even Hu Shi's wife couldn't look at it, so she could only sew it up for him.

Xu Zhimo went to Peking University to teach for his livelihood, according to common sense, Lu Xiaoman had no job and no worries, and should go north with her husband, but she coveted the life of Shanghai and refused to go along, causing Xu Zhimo to run at both ends of Shanghai and Beijing.

In Beiping, he borrowed Hu Shi's family and only left 30 yuan for pocket money every month. Sometimes it is "too poor to move", so they have to sell the train tickets they bought.

As soon as he paid his salary, he sent it home, but he was still dissatisfied with the hole in the family and had to borrow money from his friends. It is said that Xu Zhimo still owed his friend five hundred yuan until his death.

However, Xu Zhimo was embarrassed at this end, and Lu Xiaoman ate, drank and had fun there. He hoped that his wife would reduce the use of the poor, pitiful tone:

"Eyebrow dear, do you think I am in this situation, Zhang Luo is not bitter?" At the same time, it seems that you don't even have enough five hundred. ”

"I live on my salary, of course I can't dream of accumulating money, my only hope is to have less debt... Eyebrows, you have to know that sometimes even the best friend will hurt his feelings because of this, I am very afraid. ”

In a family, one party's lack of responsibility can be a fatal wound to the marriage. A person who cannot take responsibility for his own family can cause great harm to other members of the family, affect the relationship between husband and wife, and also put life in trouble.

Lu Xiaoman's comparison with the women of the same era can see the gap.

Tang Ying, another famous lady of the "Southern Tang and Northern Land", has a similar experience to Lu Xiaoman, born into a famous family, and has spent money in life, and also divorced a rich man and remarried to a love that is not as economically inferior as her ex-husband. But Tang Ying changed herself after marriage, actively supported her husband, and also raised her 4 children to be outstanding, and obtained a happy ending in life.

There are two other women who are inextricably linked to Xu Zhimo, lin Hui, a talented woman in the Republic of China, who has never given up her career because of her happy marriage; Zhang Youyi, who was once disliked by Xu Zhimo and is useless, has also successfully counterattacked and made good achievements.

In terms of talent, Lu Xiaoman is not worse than them, and she has received family education and top education since she was a child, and her painting skills are superb, and she is proficient in two foreign languages. Whether it is studying painting or continuing diplomatic work, Lu Xiaoman's marriage and family will be completely different. However, she opted for indulgence and freedom, ignored family responsibilities, and lost her self-worth.

Freedom is precious, but freedom without moderation and responsibility can become poison to hurt oneself and one's family.

Shu Ting's "To the Oak Tree" said: "I must be a kapok near you, standing with you as the image of the tree." Roots, clenched in the ground, leaves, touching in the clouds."

This is what ordinary couples should look like, supporting each other, supporting each other, and working together in this difficult world.

May women know restraint, not willfulness, bottom line, and do not forget to grow in marriage, so that the marriage can be happy and firm.