This is a phenomenon bestseller for teenagers in Asia for 10 years, starring Zheng Yumei and Kong Liu in the original film of the same name. Even South Korean President Moon Jae-in, national moderator Yoo Jae-seok, and BTS leader Nam Joon are all reading. This is the process of zhao nanzhu writing reflecting the depressed life of a white-collar beauty Jin Zhiying who became a full-time housewife after marrying and resigning, through silence, depression, illness and then reinvention of herself.
I sincerely hope that every daughter in the world can embrace a bigger and more unlimited dream. However, in the book "Jin Zhiying Born in 1982", these wishes are just bubbles and dreams.
Since she was a child, Jin Zhiying has a lot of confusion, the best in the family is always given priority to her brother, and she and her sister can only share a room and a quilt. When she was in elementary school, she was bullied by the boy next door, and she cried and reported to the teacher, but the teacher laughed and said: Boys are like this, and the more girls he likes, the more he likes to bully her.
When she went to junior high school, she not only had to beware of the harassment of men on the subway and buses, such as intentionally or unintentionally rubbing on girls, but also some male teachers would have seemingly physical contact with girls, and Jin Zhiying and many female classmates chose to swallow their voices.
When Jin Zhiying graduated from college and entered a public relations company, she found that although female colleagues accounted for 90%, without exception, the executives were all men, and both male colleagues and customers were quite disrespectful to female colleagues, male colleagues installed cameras in women's bathrooms, the company chose not to deal with them publicly in order to avoid affecting the company's credibility, while customers endlessly advised female employees to drink, and even told some obscene yellow jokes.
In turn, Jin Zhiying was disappointed in her professional life, so when Jin Zhiying met a man who was just right when she was 31 years old, Zheng Daixian, she decided to marry and have a baby, and then left the workplace and became a housewife, but her tragic life had just begun.
This story also tells us the truth of two lives: first, all tragedies are not accidental, and they are closely related to the background of life, family education, social education and the core values of society, just as Jin Zhiying's sad life is also inextricably linked to the living environment from childhood, the education received and the feedback of social information; second, all problems are useless if they just want to escape the original environment, social reality and life status through the beginning of a new life. Just like if you can't swim in a pond, trying to solve the problem by changing the pond will only make it worse.
Therefore, Jin Zhiying's confusion is not only the confusion of a full-time mother, but also the confusion of thousands of full-time mothers and women in the workplace. It is a trade-off and game between marriage and family and personal growth.
In order to take care of her husband Zheng Daixian and her daughter Zheng Zhiyuan, Jin Zhiying decided to leave her job and return home to become a housewife of her husband's goddaughter, originally thinking that life could be quiet and stable from now on, but then it became a mess of dilemmas.
And Jin Zhiying not only has to be busy with children, but also busy with housework, and even has to accept the pickiness and dissatisfaction of her mother-in-law. The mother-in-law always felt that Jin Zhiying had not fulfilled her obligations as a mother and as a wife, and even hated that she had not been able to give birth to a boy for the Zheng family.
Husband Zheng Daixian can be called a good-tempered, affordable economic man, his work is also very busy, not only often overtime, but also because of the small care, has not done any housework, so even if he comes back from work early, he can help.
Sometimes Jin Zhiying inevitably complains to Zheng Daixian: life is too busy, too tired, and it feels very broken. And the husband will gently say, "What's wrong with you?" Didn't I come back from work to help you do things? ”
But Zheng Daixian said these words, which made Jin Zhiying even more angry, but she did not say anything, and thought with hatred in her heart: What do you want to help me? Daughter is not your daughter? Do you change diapers and hug your daughter even if you help me? Don't you have parenting and caregiving responsibilities?
In fact, from here, we have seen Jin Zhiying's lurking tragic factor: as an independent and highly educated woman, she has her own thoughts and thinking, and has her own cognition and view of right and wrong, but she has become a habit of silence. In other words, her inner drama is very rich, but on the surface it is still light and breezy.
And this kind of scene is particularly familiar, but also often occurs in the scene of our lives, sometimes there is a lot of pain, entanglement, twisting in the heart is not to say, obviously the heart has collapsed, the expression is still silent and stoic.
This is also the source of all housewives' unhappiness and resentment and complaints: they do not take the initiative to express the facts, but only vent their dissatisfaction. And the real problem solving and correct expression should be in accordance with Dr. Marshall Luxemburg's "Nonviolent Communication", with the experience of their own feelings and needs, to experience the feelings and needs of others to state the facts, rather than vent emotions.
Dr. Luxemburg argues that criticism often implies anticipation. Criticism of others actually indirectly expresses our unmet needs. This is also the most core reason for Jin Zhiying's life pain and even illness.
After giving birth to illness, Jin Zhiying often suddenly becomes another person, imitating the tone of another person to speak, but she herself does not know.
It is gratifying that when Jin Zhiying became another person, he did not swallow his anger as before, but bluntly expressed his dissatisfaction and demands. For example, when the mother-in-law directed Jin Zhiying to work, she said: "These are all cooked for their own family, how can it be hard?" The festival is meant to be fun to get together to cook and eat together. Zhiying, do you feel hard? ”
According to Jin Zhiying's consistent personality, she will definitely say: Mom, I am not hard, cooking for my family, I am very willing.
However, at this time, Jin Zhiying became another person because of the illness, and said straight to the point: "Oh, my mother, in fact, every time our family Zhiying has such a big festival, her whole body will be sore!" ”
From here, it is not difficult to see how much grievance Jin Zhiying usually suffered? How many feelings have been suppressed? How many emotions have been hidden, and how many strong dissatisfactions have been hidden to create so many dissatisfactions in the heart? How much anger there is, but dare not speak, and only after being forced into depression can you often cross into another person to spit out your inner thoughts.
This is also the domino effect of concentrated outbreaks after being suppressed for too long. And these reasons are only superficial triggers, and the root cause of Jin Zhiying's forbearance and silence comes from the influence of the original family. When Jin Zhiying was a child, her mother was not welcomed by her mother-in-law at home, and her mother's daily life was to dare to be angry and dare not speak, and she was obedient to her mother-in-law and husband's words. This also affected Jin Zhiying in his childhood to a certain extent.
In his book Why Does Home Hurt, Wu Zhihong mentions inner parents and inner children. Wu Zhihong pointed out: Most of our inner parents and inner children are usually in a state of mutual distrust, so we are often in internal conflict, often critical and self-critical, and unable to reconcile the contradictions between the two, showing that we are entangled, as if we are fighting with ourselves.
This status quo has also been vividly reflected in Jin Zhiying, which is an indelible harm brought by the original family, which will not only affect the personality of childhood, but also the fate of a lifetime.
The good news is that Jin Zhiying's husband Zheng Daixian not only did not complain about his wife after Jin Zhiying fell ill, but tried to understand his wife's inner pain, and even took the initiative to share the housework, encouraging his wife to go out to work and regain the life she wanted.
And Jin Zhiying's dissatisfaction with life and continuous silence and depression have finally been alleviated, and she even went to see a psychologist who has always been rejected. She also re-expressed her views on life and began to bravely express her thoughts, opinions and opinions.
And from Jin Zhiying, we can learn from these three ways of reconciling with the world and shaking hands with ourselves:
First, dare to refuse, do not like to do it bravely refuse, do not like to listen to express feelings, can not bear to bear it directly back, do not overly suppress themselves, do not go against the grain. This is consistent with the view in "Your kindness must be sharp", "You can be kind, but you must have a bottom line, and you must divide people and things". Because tolerance does not change the facts most of the time in life, it can only breed the irrational behavior of the other party;
Second, be yourself at any time. There are two aspects of being yourself, one is to listen to the voice of the heart, and the other is to know what you want and accept it calmly. It can also be extended to having an open and honest conversation with each other, not hiding from your other half, and there are no external judging criteria such as "you should", "very reasonable", "this is your obligation";
Third, independent personality and strong self, whether women before or after marriage, must have the basis of life, have the ability to make money and self-added, and have the ability to be in communion with the outside world.
These three points are a handshake with the world and insist on self, maintain a maverick attitude, only do not give up their own growth and progress, vision and thinking, relatives will not abandon you, life will not abandon you, the world will not turn their backs on you.
The protagonists of novels are all incarnations of our lives, and even the complexity of real life is more complicated than that of novels. And the protagonist of this "Jin Zhiying born in 82", she is extremely ordinary, and she is familiar with us in the dark, which is not unusual. Because this is universal existence, the experience of each of us, or the experience of those around us.
In this era of diversity and charm, how should women live out their own lives? How do you achieve self-fulfillment? How do you balance family and career? How to gradually break free from the harm of the original family? This is a problem that each of us has to face, and it is not easy for us to find ourselves, break through ourselves, and get the ultimate happiness. However, the road ahead is difficult, but no matter how difficult the process, as long as we continue to think, bravely face reality, and strive to find a solution to the problem, the result will be happy after all.
Each of us may have been Kim Ji-young, and each of us can not be Kim Ji-young. May we not be Jin Zhiying, but the best of us.