I recently read a Korean novel, Kim Ji-young, born in 1982.
In fact, compared with Jin Zhiying's mother and grandmother, Jin Zhiying's contribution to the family is not very large. However, her grandmother and mother did not collapse because of family pressure, and Kim Ji-young's spirit had some problems.
Why? I think it may be because Kim Ji-young understands that she can't be a perfect woman.
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Looking back at the experiences of her grandmother and mother, we will find that they are almost impeccable "perfect women".
Her grandfather was a hand-waver. Her grandmother single-handedly took on almost all the family burdens: earning money, doing housework, childbearing, raising children, serving her husband, and so on.
And her mother is even more a perfect woman. When her brothers were about to study, she dropped out of school to work for them. When she found that she did not receive any recognition for her efforts for her family, she picked up books and learned about culture. After marriage, in order to satisfy her mother-in-law and husband's desire for male grandchildren, she went to the hospital herself to abort the baby girl until she successfully gave birth to a son.
With three children, she busied herself into a gyroscope. She has to take care of the children, to serve her mother-in-law, to make her three meals a day on time, and at the same time, she also has to take time to work part-time and supplement the family. When her husband complained that her doing handicraft work at home would affect the children, she also swallowed her anger and waited for his own conscience to find out and apologize to her.
In addition to her good wife and mother, she is also a financial expert. Through their own judgment of the situation, let the family avoid bankruptcy. Through reasonable financial management, let the family have no worries about food and clothing.
She did not have the opportunity to realize her self-worth according to her wishes. Therefore, she fully respects the wishes of her children and tries not to interfere with their life choices.
It was such a perfect woman, after Kim Ji-young also became a mother, told her that she was "never able to sleep, her whole body was sore, and her life was no different from that of hell."
This was the first time Kim Ji-young had heard her mother tell her true feelings.
It turns out that to be an impeccable woman, you must not only take on all the heavy responsibilities, but also keep a secret to all your feelings.
To put it cruelly, even in hell, he is asked to be a silent ghost.
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Compared with her grandmother and mother, Kim Ji-young seems to be a wasted firewood mother who has achieved nothing.
In order not to hear the urging from relatives again, she compromised. After becoming pregnant, hearing the sneers of colleagues and strangers, her heart broke down again and again. Pregnancy is accompanied by giving up one's job and returning to one's family. After the birth of her daughter, she turned on the mode of taking the baby alone. Once taking her daughter to the park, buying a cup of coffee for 8 yuan, enjoying a rare leisure time, she heard strangers laughing at her as a "mother bug"...
Helpless Kim Ji-young
She finally fell ill with mental illness and always said something in the guise of others.
What did she do wrong? She just can't be the "perfect woman" like Grandma and Mom.
She was an ordinary person, flesh and blood, and she would cry in pain. When she couldn't stand the oppression from others and the world, she chose to tell her true feelings.
The author of the novel has a saying: "I sincerely hope that every daughter in the world can have bigger and more unlimited dreams." ”
In fact, I would like to say that women like Jin Zhiying, their appeal is only to regain control of life. They wanted to be themselves, they saw how they felt, and they decided to speak up. As for the so-called bigger and more unlimited dreams, they are actually far away from them.
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The novel is about the experiences of Korean women. However, it reminds me of the reunion daughter-in-law in Xiao Hong's "The Legend of Hulan River", the women in "The Field of Life and Death", the poor mother in Yu Hua's "Shouting in the Drizzle", and it also reminds me of some of the experiences of women I know.
Passively becoming a "perfect woman" is actually an act of pleasing others, but some people have no choice, because only then can they survive.
In his book Why Home Hurts, Wu Zhihong said that children who are foolish and filial to their parents who desperately try to please their parents actually know that some of their parents' behavior is not correct, but "this is the only effective way they can get close to their parents."
Girls who are not recognized in their original families and choose to adapt to their environment by pleasing their parents, grow up, have their own small families, and are likely to become a woman who forces herself to be a "perfect woman".
She has to be a strong woman who is successful in her career, she has to be an irreproachable wife and mother, and she has to be a junior who has no complaints about her elders.
As a result, she may no longer be able to gain the approval of others by pleasing others as she did in her childhood. Because it's simply too hard to be a "perfect woman".
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She used to live by the affirmation of others, and once she lost the approval of others, she could not find her own value. This sense of failure will evolve into an attack on herself, and she will blame herself and blame herself for not doing a good job.
Instead of self-denial, admit reality!
The reality is that not every woman can be a "perfect woman" and not every woman needs to be a "perfect woman."
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The film made some adaptations of the original book, and finally let Kim Ji-young regain himself. But in the ending of the original book, Jin Zhiying will occasionally speak in the tone of other women.
The authors of the novel do not make effective recommendations for the plight of women. Ironically, when his colleague left because of fertility problems, he secretly decided in his heart: in the future, when recruiting female employees, he must find a single and unmarried one.
Real change is tough, and it's not easy to get women trapped in families to regain themselves.
During the festival, Jin Zhiying was busy cooking at her in-laws' house, and the family was accustomed to it and did not feel that there was anything wrong. Through the tone of his mother, Jin Zhiying expressed his dissatisfaction with his in-laws. The result? She saw her in-laws angry that their authority had been challenged, and her filial husband habitually overwhelmed.
Only the mother understood how much pain she was in.
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In the eyes of others, perhaps, she was just a woman with mental problems.
But in any case, being yourself is the beginning of all change. This change is destined to be long and will require the continuous efforts of generations.
I remember a classmate of mine said that her mother was looked down upon by the villagers because she gave birth to three daughters, and even kicked down the street for no reason. Her parents worked odd jobs and farm work to provide education for her and her sisters. Now, this classmate of mine has a good education and job, and her in-laws also respect her.
(Some future-looking words are omitted here.) If you can change your situation and that of others, please do your best. ）
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