Frightened by the baby, disturbed, leave!

Text | Thirteenth sister

This is a private message sent to me yesterday by a reader named Yuting:

The matter is very simple, that is, the daughter did not do well in the exam, the mother asked the daughter if she had any plans, and the daughter said: "What does my good or bad grade have to do with you?" Didn't you always say that learning is my own thing? ”

It seems that this mother choked on the spot, but she was obviously very unwilling and didn't want to choke alone, so she also came to choke me...

I can especially understand her feeling, which is that "this question is difficult to answer, but what drives me even more crazy than this is that my daughter actually asked a difficult question to answer."

When everyone's children reach adolescence, they will understand: you have learned a lot of parenting knowledge, thinking that you are very good at your children, but you still can't escape the fate of being knocked out by the baby and needing help...

It can be said that no matter how old your child is now, whether you are holding it in your arms and coquettish or just beginning to learn to make you angry, sooner or later, you will turn your back alone, dodge your eyes, look in a trance, swallow back the more than 1,800 words of Xunwa quotes you just wanted to say, only muttered softly "The wings are hard, it's hard to manage" and then open your phone to send a private message to a blogger you trust, so that she also mutters...

The saying "learning is your own business" is really water, and boats can be carried and boats can be overturned.

If you want your child to take the initiative to learn, he can also hang this sentence on his lips.

Hahahahaha, feng shui takes turns, and the sky spares whom.

Since I was also speechless, I sent this question to the readership for help.

The answers received are interesting and can be divided into several types -

The first is from mothers whose children are still young, who can still exert their power and full of confidence.

They are good at deterrent management methods, such as: cut off your financial path, see that you are still fierce?

The second: from mothers whose children are already slightly self-aware, probably in elementary school.

Instead of being as simple and brutal as above, they began to take a roundabout approach, such as emphasizing shareholder rights and reaffirming investment relationships.

The third: moms who don't have to play anymore.

Don't pretend, showdown, your grades are the business of the whole family, and your mother will be happy if you have beautiful grades. Parents at this stage also like to "reason well with the baby so that he can understand the parents' painstaking efforts".

The fourth type: parents from adolescent babies.

They smiled with a loving mother, holding eighteen seeds in their hands, stepping on the foot bath, and the clouds gently floated out three words: Okay, okay, whatever...

Look, from the first to the fourth, do you think these are four different types of parents?

Sorry, this is the same parent's different form of existence in four different monster fighting and upgrading levels!

Children grow up day by day, and parents become more humble year by year.

When you reach adolescence, you will understand what it means to "scare the baby early".

In fact, I understand the mood of this mother who asked for help, where is her anger? Finding the crux is more important in itself.

I thought about it for a day and thought I could reply to this reader:

Yuting, I think the point of this matter is not how you answer her specific question, but how you view your relationship and the way you communicate.

My son is also in his adolescence, and I often feel that talking to him is the same as talking to adults, taking into account the situation, environment, emotions, and timing.

If you ask a very "huge" question coldly at this time, such as "do you have any plans", the child will reject this question very much, and it is normal to talk back.

I advise you first: talk about specific, small topics, rather than asking general big questions.

For example, if she didn't do well in the final exam, you put yourself in your shoes and think about it, when you didn't do well, your first reaction is to see where you were deducted points and where you didn't play well, and first carry this depressed period over, instead of being questioned "is there any plan" at the first time.

So when the child does not do well in the test, care about the person as a whole, not only about the score she was deducted. Then we discuss what the specific problem is and how to find it.

What answer does Mom want to hear when she asks such a huge question?

Maybe you want to hear the flag from your child's mouth, for example: "I will study hard in the future, plan the time, and strive for the first blablabla next time..."

If you don't have a good performance in the company's performance appraisal, and the boss comes up and asks you: "Next quarter, you plan to generate hundreds of millions of dollars in wealth for me", will you also want to scare him?

What you want most should be that the boss can see your actual situation and listen to you explain the actual difficulties, maybe he will find that the company's resources and support for you are not enough, or you are not trained in which area, or the standards set for you are unrealistic, he should make adjustments with you, not listen to you blow the plan for the next quarter.

You're not in the mood to make your boss happy for an unknown "plan."

Here's a key point: When communicating with your child, don't let her misunderstand your purpose.

You obviously hope that she can learn the lessons and start by making plans for the next stage to improve herself and become better. But as soon as you ask, why don't children like to listen?

There is a very interesting parent-child relationship scene in psychology - treating good things as punishment.

For example, "You did not perform well today, confiscated your mobile phone, and went to silently write 3 pages of new words", silent writing of words became a punishment.

For example, "You did well in the exam today, I will reward you for doing two pages less practice questions today", and doing less practice questions has become a reward.

These statements and practices are very serious psychological disasters, and the accumulation of time makes children feel that "learning is a means of reward and punishment for parents", and there will be resistance.

In the same way, your daughter did not do well in the final exam, your first reaction is not to call up your empathy, compassion, and concern, but to ask her "what are your plans" in a relatively cold attitude, for the child, this is not only your denial of her test results and past efforts, but also a punishment for her, "planning" has become a punishment for "failing the exam".

Who wants to plan? Who else likes to plan?

If you are interested, you can learn about the "operational conditioning" emphasized by "behaviorism" in psychology - reinforcement and punishment, positive reinforcement and negative punishment, continuous reinforcement and interval reinforcement... If we open our mouths, we may be understood by children as a reward or punishment.

I think what you need to focus on is not to immediately come up with a set of rhetoric to scare your daughter, but to think about how to establish a mechanism for effective dialogue and adjust the communication mode, not only to solve today's scolding, but also to prevent tomorrow's scolding.

My advice is:

1. Leave a line in everything, see each other well in the future, and have a "cooling-off period" before and after closing any topic. Try to find a harmonious time (such as when eating together, watching movies, chatting casually) to discuss with her about grades and study plans, which is also waiting for her to sort out some ideas by herself, rather than being sharply asked by adults when she is tense, and does not know how to answer, children also have self-esteem, can only scare you.

2. Rebellion is normal, but "out of place" and "-for-tat" can only indicate that both sides have problems, or they have to go both ways ... It is important to show your child your attitude towards academic performance. My attitude is that past grades are for us to find shortcomings in the future, so that we can have more room for improvement in the future, don't let your child feel that you think that your grades are more important than your child, and your emotions should be consistent with your child after the exam, not far ahead of him.

3. I will tell my child my experiences and stories from my past reading books, so that he knows that my suggestions are all my own experiences. Talk about the losses he has suffered and the sweetness he has tasted after listening to advice, and tell him that these are to help him, not to teach him a lesson.

4. The point is to let your daughter have respect and interest in the advice given by her parents, without feeling disgusted by anything you say, occasionally being won by her, you eat a little loss, show weakness, and take care of each other's self-esteem, so that it is a healthy relationship and does not have to feel particularly wronged.

5. Don't put yourself in a trap, dig a hole. For example, "learning is your own business" is actually easy to be caught in braids, and "I spent so much money on you", "I'm all for you" and so on, if you can not say it, don't say it, this is all thunder, and it will be you who will be bombed in the future. Try to say egalitarian, supportive but immoral kidnapping words... Take your time.

These are a little of my thoughts that I hope will be useful to you.