"Warning, don't talk to this girl"

Author | Yao Qi

The recent hit Korean drama "Dark Glory 2" continues the plot of the previous season and continues to tell the heroine's revenge story after experiencing school bullying.

The bullying endured by the heroine in the play is undoubtedly violent, and the perpetrator directly exerts violence on her body, thereby achieving the purpose of mentally torturing her.

Equally obvious as bullying is the cause of bullying, which is that well-off children crush people from poor backgrounds as unscrupulously as ants

A still from "Dark Glory"

But when we leave the cool narrative of film and television dramas and return to real life to look at the behavior of school bullying, we will find that the causes and behaviors of bullying at the real level are not so organized at all.

Sometimes, its causes are extremely ambiguous and its manifestations are more secretive.

As someone who has experienced hidden school bullying, as described by American author Rachel Simmons in "The Girls' Underground War", what I experienced was a non-physical violence. It often occurs between girls, using non-violent elements such as language, expressions, and friendship as tools to deeply open people's hearts.

This is a memoir from a survivor, an echo of a distant memory.

To rationalize the pain, I convinced myself that the experience would benefit me for the rest of my life. But now, when I question myself more deeply, I still have to admit that I am the victim.

01

There will never be friends

When exactly the change started, I don't remember at all. Just as you don't know at what moment a flower in the water starts to rot, spoilage is a silent process.

This year, I was 14 years old, in boarding school, in the second year of junior high school.

At the end of every weekend, I would leave home, rock on the bus for two hours, cross 35 kilometers, and finally, arrive in my classroom and participate in evening study hall. That distant boarding school kept me away from my home and from all the social environments I was once familiar with. It still stands alone in my memory.

"Princess Han" stills

I also made some friends at first, when I first entered this school. After all, I wasn't an introvert at the time.

Aggie is a rare girl, she has a small face and small eyes, and her smile is bright and a little humble. She was in the same class as me and was originally my best friend. In order to save money to buy me a birthday present, she once skipped breakfast for two or three months in a row, so that she suffered from stomach pain. But by the time I learned about it, our friendship had broken down.

Sometime around 2012, a blacklist began circulating in the class, the most important of which was my name.

A kind classmate secretly told me that the author of the blacklist was Aji. A brave and enthusiastic child like Aggie never lacks companions, so she brings her friends together to form a solid small group that agrees that all members should not interact with people on the blacklist.

I don't know how many people there were in this small group initially, but the most important components of it were my roommates in the dormitory at the time.

A still from "Young You"

Do you know how powerful small groups are? Human relationships are like the interconnection between pearls and jade, which means that each individual exerts force on the other. In a small classroom, when the indescribable exclusion of a specific object begins to occur partially, it is already a harbinger of a tsunami.

Gradually, I found that no one in the entire class was talking to me anymore.

During PE class, all students have their own partners, and everyone will play together, play ball, walk, and chat. I was alone, dazedly abandoned. More than a decade later, I still feel that the playground at that time was too big, the turf was boundless, and its green could not be seen. I stood on the edge of the playground near the flower bed, no need to speak, and the whole person looked a little dumbfounded.

Our school's dormitory is not allowed to close during lunch break and night sleep, because the living teachers in beautiful cheongsam will patrol back and forth, supervise everyone to sleep well, and are not allowed to play with mobile phones or secretly do homework.

But if you close the door before the bedtime bell rings, it's okay. Although normally people don't do this.

So when I finished lunch in the cafeteria and returned to the dormitory building, I would walk through the corridor, past one dormitory after another with open doors, and finally come to the only closed door. It was my dormitory.

I gently tapped the door, but no one answered. The amount of laughter behind the door may be too loud. But I didn't have the courage to ring a second time.

I faced the door and stood where I was again. I didn't have a key with me, and I thought I was an idiot and kind of deserved it. But at the same time, I'm still thinking, why the hell is it closed? At this moment, I am really the only one who has not returned to the dormitory, my roommates, are they trying to tease me, or are they unintentional?

A still from "Dark Glory"

Probably because I stood in front of the door for too long, it triggered the pity of a female classmate in the dormitory opposite, and as if she had made up her mind, she rushed out and slammed my dormitory door. So the door finally opened, and the girl who opened the door for me looked a little embarrassed after I entered, and she whispered a word to me.

She said: "Next time you have to remember to bring the key, this time I opened the door for you, next time, no one will open the door for you again." ”

On sleepless nights, I received a message from Aggie, who seemed to be issuing her own declaration of victory, saying, "People like you will never have friends in their lives."

I almost broke down and cried, but I suppressed my voice, afraid to wake up the other students in my dormitory. I replied to her while crying, and I said, "Yes, people like me will definitely have friends." ”

A still from "Young You"

I really want to go home. I really want to go back to an environment where I am no longer isolated, I haven't spoken to anyone at school for a long time.

On weekends, I told my mom that I wanted to transfer schools and that I didn't want to continue studying here. Transferring schools was the only way I could find to save myself. My mother asked me why, so I told her everything that happened at school. I saw her pick up the red handset on the landline and dial the head teacher's phone number.

02

Incompleteness of itself

During study hall in the evening, the homeroom teacher walked into the classroom and called Aggie and all my roommates.

I don't know what the head teacher said to them, maybe it was some nervous cross-examination, maybe some irony sarcasm. But how, I don't know.

It was only after study hall that when I walked out of the school building and stood on the edge of the dimly lit playground, one of my roommates stopped me. She came up to me and apologized, saying she didn't know she had hurt me so much. She hugged me and cried as she said, "I'm really not the kind of bad person my teacher says I am." ”

I patted her on the back and I said it's okay, I know.

But in fact, at that time, I was also a little dazed, and there was only one picture left in my head. It was after the head teacher finished talking to the other roommates that she called me to the office alone and said, "You have to reflect on yourself, too." If a person incurs everyone's hatred, then there must be something wrong with herself. ”

A still from "Dark Glory"

I had to figure out what was wrong with me.

Aggie used to be really nice to me, but I think my personality is too weird and brutal. Sometimes, she may feel that she is only seen by me as a vassal, and I have not faced her emotions and her needs.

One time at a sports meeting, on the viewing platform, she asked me for tissues, but I just didn't give it to her. Why didn't I give it to her? There was bewilderment in her eyes, just as I didn't understand myself either.

It is estimated that there are more stupid things that I have done strangely, and these words and deeds must have hurt Aji's heart over time.

In adolescence, love between girls is very strong, as strong as hate. Aji saved up for a long time to buy me a beautiful puppet doll, but before the gift could be delivered, she had already begun to hate me, and when her stomach hurt, she would cry and bite the doll that was supposed to be given to me, and finally she bit it off, and the cotton wool was exposed. I imagined that scene, and it was a little scary, and it was a little crazy.

The action she led to isolate me quickly turned into a wave. I later learned that there were a thousand reasons why they hated me.

When doing exercises, the movements are done so standardly, is it done for the teacher?

It looks respectful and considerate to the teacher, right?

There was also a roommate with a very gentle personality, saying that I had joined her team to take a shower, but in fact, I didn't know that she was queuing, there was no one at the bathroom door, so I went in.

But when everyone hates you, you have no chance to know why, and you have no qualifications to reason.

Later, I only felt very unbearable, I thought, I broke everyone's hearts, why am I so weird and arrogant?

I think back to elementary school, when all the boys and girls in my class were my friends. When they don't know where to hear about my birthday, when that day comes, gifts from people fill the windowsills of the classroom. Later, I thought, it was probably their young love that indulged me.

I didn't realize that when I entered a completely new environment, or a more mature society, I should learn to be sensitive to the emotions and needs of others. This was the first lesson of my life, and I have learned since then that eccentric and domineering people have no good fruit to eat, and people are not obliged to get used to your stinky temper.

I thought to myself, I know, I know I have a problem.

Stills from "Sadness Against the River"

It was probably the summer vacation from the second year of junior high to the third year of junior high school, and I think I completely thought this out. So I decided to transform myself. It was during this period that I learned a skill that seemed to last my life, which was the ability to transform my personality.

I will make up my mind to think about what kind of personality I will like very much, such as she is silent but brave, flamboyant but friendly, serious but not rigid. Whatever I identify as a personality, I see it as a mold that melts my body into it and makes me myself a person with that personality.

So I first decided that people who are silent but hard working are more welcome. Since then, I have become less talkative and only immerse myself in studying. When the third semester of junior high school started and everyone saw me again, they felt that I had changed, as if they had become less concerned about the voices of the outside world and only focused on doing their own things.

Like black humor, my friends began to take the initiative to find me, and they thought that I was really likable.

03

Unresolved scars

Thanks to my parents, in my second year of junior high school, they did not choose to question me what I had done wrong, but helped me fight this invisible violence.

At the time, I told my dad that I stood outside the dormitory with the door closed. He said to me with an iron face, we don't need to worry about that, Dad will equip you with ten keys, two in the pocket of each dress, no need to ask someone to open the door for you. I cry every time I think of it, and I still do.

"Dark Glory 2" stills

This disaster also brought me a precious gift, her name is Chanchan, she is a real good friend in my life.

When my classmates started isolating me, Cancan didn't really understand me. Once, by mistake, she forgot to ask her mother for living expenses, so she didn't know how, so she texted me and asked if I could lend her 20 yuan. When I received the text, I was visiting relatives in the hospital, so it took a long time to reply to her, I said, okay, and explained to her why I didn't respond to the message in time.

She created an opportunity for dialogue, and from it she discovered that I didn't seem to be as bad as others said. Later, she said to me, let's be good friends, be very good friends.

As if she has endless energy in her own right, she is not afraid to fight the trend. She had dark skin, a large mouth, shiny white teeth, and a smile as bright as her name. During gym class, I was no longer alone on the edge of the playground because she would sit with me on the grass and chat.

At that time, Aggie and the others were sitting on the grass, watching us from afar, perhaps talking about us. Then, Aji called Chan-chan away and reminded her to stay away from me: "You still don't know what kind of person she is, do you?" I'll give you a month at most, and you'll be able to see her true face. ”

Chan-chan came back to me and told me these words with disdain on his face.

In the midst of a gray day, her presence lit me up, and her presence kept me from sliding into the irretrievable abyss in the end. I think she knew I was going to give her a lot of love for the rest of her life. Even at that time, when she was very young, because she was not good enough in her studies, the teacher always criticized her and was prejudiced against her, and I used to confront the teacher.

"Princess Han" stills

For more than a decade, I have always felt that my identity is the beneficiary, and I think that the events of the second year of junior high school have brought me endless wealth.

Because I became silent and no longer looked at the unexpected world, my grades got better and better, and finally I was admitted to the best high school in Chongqing with the first score in my class. I became more attuned to people, and if I had a problem, I would first reflect on my own problems before complaining about the mistakes of others, so I had more and more friends.

Aggie once sent me a sketch of her drawing to apologize to me. On the surface, I had already forgiven her, forgiven them. After all, I learned so much from it that I could be a better person from now on.

But is that really the case?

After graduating from junior high school, I never contacted Aggie again. One of my roommates who was in the same dorm room with me also went to the same high school as me, entered the same class again, and even became roommates again. It stands to reason that this is already a very fateful relationship, but she has never been truly accepted by me.

"Princess Han" stills

I am only now realizing that I have left many scars on my body that have never disappeared, which is why I often feel broken and twisted myself, and often feel a strong self-loathing.

Do you know what kind of process I am talking about melting yourself into the ideal character as a mold?

I change my dressing style frequently, change my hairstyle, and change my expression. If you want to appear well-behaved, sit upright. If you want to appear very uninhibited, the walking posture can refer to those little boys who dance street dance, and there should be some rhythm and swing.

I would watch myself uncontrollably.

When there is a mirror, I look in the mirror, and when there is no mirror, I look at it from the heart, criticize, and temper. In the end, I would appear to exist in this world like a square piece of stainless steel, perfect and a little misshapen.

I've had a hard time learning to communicate problems appropriately with others, because before I point out someone's mistakes, I first ask myself, is there something wrong with me? Isn't self-transformation thorough enough?

Later, instead of taking silence and striving as the ideal character model as when I was a child, I began to worship the character of freedom and ease, and for a considerable period of time, I succeeded in transforming myself into a person who seemed open and free inside.

"Female Psychologist" stills

Until I was 21 years old, a good friend asked me a little angrily why I was living like this, and when I did things, it was like comparing myself with a ruler. The question she really wants to ask is, why do you allow yourself to live such a rigid and unfree life.

I felt a pang of horror in my heart, but I couldn't answer it. I didn't know how she found my rift or explain to her how it all happened.

Yes, she grabbed my handle, she saw through my core. Essentially, I'm rather rigid and rather clumsy. I pretend I'm not bound by routine, but I'm always watching what the outside world says about me. I just want to be a likable and comfortable person. Actually, I've been tied up for too long.

I've grown into an adult who cycles between self-melting and self-loathing. I am a fake, a fake person with an ideal character.

Especially when facing a pure mind that has not been polluted, I feel my own unparalleled brokenness. Sometimes, cracks appear in my pretended free shell, and I can't accept myself and I break down and cry.

"Dog Thirteen" stills

However, please don't worry, I can still live happily on sunny days. It's just unforgivable. I couldn't forgive Aggie, and it seems that I never forgave myself.

In many incidents of school bullying, more attention has been paid to the physical violence, but few people have paid attention to this implicit, spiritual isolation. This isolation is mainly manifested in gossip and group isolation, and eventually, a long silence can create a trauma that will last a lifetime.

If I go back to the beginning, I really hope that the homeroom teacher can stop saying to me, "Reflect on yourself." ”

If I hadn't been so vigilant in questioning myself inwardly from the beginning, if my ego had been firm enough to think firmly that even if I had a strange personality, I had never really hurt others evilly and therefore did not deserve to be treated so alone—perhaps I would not have denied myself in this way, disintegrated myself, and reconstructed myself.

Maybe I'll really grow freer, right? Perhaps I would have had the opportunity to have a purer and more natural heart.

The pictures in the article are partly from Visual China and partly from the Internet

Edit | Wu Qing

New Media Editor | Jiang Jiang

Typesetting | Eight pounds

Keep an eye on the South Wind Window to see more highlights