Author | Tianya
In an intimate relationship, I wonder if you've had a similar experience:
If you are with someone you don't love much, you will have a "sense of control" -
Your life will not revolve around the other person all the time, your emotions will not be controlled by the other person, and even if you are not in touch for a long time, you will not feel overly lost or sad.
And if, with a person you love very much, you will have a "sense of humility" -
A casual eye movement from the other party may cause you to have strong emotional fluctuations, and once the other person leaves you, you will feel as if you have lost the whole world.
These two very different feelings of love have been experienced by my friend Yuanyuan.
And through her experience, I can't help but think:
Why does love humble people?
What do we love?
1
A woman who loves more and more humbly
Yuanyuan is a girl with good conditions in all aspects, good looks and excellent grades.
During college, under the fierce pursuit of the class president, Yuanyuan fell in love.
The other party has excellent learning and strong comprehensive ability, which is the key training object of the school.
In the eyes of everyone, the two are very well matched, even Yuanyuan herself thinks so.
But there was only one thing: she didn't love him.
When she doesn't meet, she hardly thinks of him and doesn't take the initiative to contact him;
And when dating, she also seems to be routine, there will be no surprises or expectations.
The two dated in this way for more than three years, until Mr. A's intrusion broke this calm.
Mr. A is Yuanyuan's boss during her senior internship and is seven years older than Yuanyuan.
This person is not highly educated, looks ordinary, and looks average.
At first, Yuanyuan felt that he was unworthy of the position and looked down on him a little.
It wasn't until two things happened later that she gradually changed her opinion of him.
Once was Yuanyuan's stomachache during her menstrual period, lying on her desk, and the whole person was listless.
At that time, her boss bought a brown sugar ginger water for her, and granted her three days off to let her go home and rest.
In this regard, Yuanyuan was very moved.
Another time was when Yuanyuan went out with her boss to socialize, and was constantly persuaded by customers to drink, and she was in a dilemma.
At that time, the boss decisively blocked the front, drank all the wine for her, and reminded the customer not to embarrass Yuanyuan.
For this, Yuanyuan is full of gratitude.
Later, over time, she gradually developed love for Mr. A.
Enjoy getting along with Mr. A, always want to connect with each other, and never separate.
So, Yuanyuan broke up with the college class president and came together with Mr. A.
Even for Mr. A, she gave up a high-paying position in a large factory and stayed in an internship company.
It was at this time that her whole person began to become humble and sensitive.
constantly aggrieved himself to accommodate Mr. A, worried that if he did not do well, he would be disliked;
Even in order to accompany each other, he did not hesitate to give up his daily social interaction and alienated his good girlfriends for many years.
Usually, Mr. A goes out to socialize and does not reply to the message in time, she will be sincerely afraid and worried that the other party will have an affair.
Constantly calling Mr. A's phone, either claiming that he is seriously ill or threatening to break up and force the other party to go home.
In such a tight relationship, she was miserable, and so was Mr. A.
Through Yuanyuan's situation, I saw the common shadow of many people in intimate relationships:
The deeper you love, the easier it is to become humble, and thus gradually lose yourself and become more painful.
2
Why does love humble people?
Why is that?
In response to this question, in "Intimate Relationships", author Christopher · Meng, combining decades of personal experience and research into intimate relationships, gives the answer.
He said
The real motivation behind a person's initiation and maintenance of an intimate relationship is need.
And what really creates the pain of intimacy is also the need to sleep for many years inside.
That is, the common human need to "love and be loved".
As children, we need to accompany, care, understand, support, accept, praise, hug...
This set of needs is usually met by our caregivers (parents).
And once it is not satisfied, we will use all kinds of means: crying, complaining, coquetry, tantrums...
But if they are still not met, we will temporarily keep these needs in our hearts and accumulate them over time.
Until one day, we meet a person who just fills the lack in our hearts, and we fall in love with him or her.
It's like Yuanyuan.
She has been smart since she was a child, excellent in learning, and has no shortage of teacher praise and classmate recognition.
Therefore, she was not attracted to the same excellent college class president, because what the class president has, she also has.
So what is really missing from her?
It is the love of the father.
When she was very young, her parents divorced.
She lives with her mother and doesn't see her father several times a year. Other children were bullied at school, and their fathers were behind them, and she could only hide in the corner alone and cry.
Over the years, the reason why she has worked hard to get good grades is to prove her worth and gain her father's sight.
But unfortunately, no matter how good she was, Dad was always very distant from her.
And the appearance of Mr. A just fills this part of the gap.
He used a glass of brown sugar ginger water to soothe Yuanyuan's menstrual pain, and used an "escort" to protect Yuanyuan's panic on the wine table.
He satisfies Yuanyuan's inner need to be loved, protected and valued by her father.
Because of this, Yuanyuan fell in love with him.
But at the same time,
The lack of fatherly love in her heart, the unmet demands of her childhood, and the resulting loss and hesitation are also awakened.
In order to maintain this hard-won satisfaction, she constantly places herself in a low position in the relationship, constantly accommodating and compromising.
A sense of humility arises.
Unfortunately, she doesn't know how to love her partner as equals.
Holding on to the need and refusing to let go, and not knowing how to love, she pushed the relationship between the two to the abyss of pain.
3
What do we love?
And that's where the question comes.
Since love can humble people and bring pain to the two, why should we love?
The answer is simple:
For self-improvement, for the integrity of life.
Japanese writer Haruki Murakami said: "Born with cripples. ”
This also means that we need to connect with others in intimate relationships to fill in our own shortcomings.
In the beginning, we enter the relationship with cripples, driven by scarcity, attracted to each other's complementarity.
But gradually, we will find that if we stay in deprivation for a long time, it will be difficult for the relationship to last healthily and durably.
Either the two will be painfully separated or will develop pathological attachment patterns.
Why?
Because in intimate relationships -
The true meaning of a partner's existence is not to satisfy our lacks and deprivations endlessly;
It's about helping us understand our unmet needs and see where we need to grow.
At this point, we, as adults, can do something for our own needs:
Satisfy your own desires, take care of yourself, take responsibility for your own needs, and comfort your inner insecurity.
When we bring power back to ourselves, we become more complete as a result.
When we enter into relationships with our whole selves,
No matter how our partner responds to us, whether or not we meet our needs is no longer such a fatal matter.
Because we have enough strength to go hand in hand with him or her as equals.
There is, of course, another possibility.
In the humble and painful process of refining love, the two eventually parted ways due to irreconcilable contradictions.
But that's okay.
Through an incomplete relationship, we can still get some signals that will prompt us to think:
Where is my deprivation?
How can I get along better with myself?
Then with such a self-aware, powerful, and solitary self, enter a new love journey again.
At that time, we can still sincerely say thank you to our predecessor.
Thank you for giving me company and making my life more complete;
Whether you are in sync in the future or not, I will continue to enjoy the journey of growth...
You know, the ultimate direction of intimacy -
It's never about compensating each other, it's about self-growth.
As Pike said in The Road Less Traveled:
"Love is a willingness to promote the mental maturity of oneself and one's partner, and to constantly expand one's own boundaries and achieve self-improvement."
So, feel free to love boldly, it's not a bad thing!
Tianya, majoring in psychology at South China Normal University, is a third-level psychological counselor of Guangzhou Heart Association.
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