To teach you how to "talk well" in marriage, it is enough to learn these 4 points

I have observed a phenomenon: when accusing a partner, most people can judge each other 360° without dead ends, gushing endlessly, and enjoying it; But when it comes to expressing what I am and what I think, it becomes difficult, and it becomes difficult to express my meaning.

What prevents us from speaking well in marriage?

01

Learn about 6 reasons that hinder communication,

Make yourself more expressive

The first reason is that the brain is not clear.

If the logic is not clear, there will be no clue about what is said, and the east sentence is one sentence after another, and the cut is constantly sorted out and messed up. Before he could figure it out, he threw a mess to the other party, and the other party would most likely not understand. At this time, the party who speaks may feel that "people who understand me do not need to explain, and people who do not understand me do not have to explain", and then decide that "he does not understand me", but forget to think about whether he did not express it clearly in the first place.

The second reason is that you are afraid that your words are unimportant, worthless, and that your partner is not interested.

In order to make the other person feel that your words are important, focus on "how should I speak", be careful, and it is not easy to express yourself.

The third reason is that they dare not expose their true selves.

Imagine visiting a record store with your partner one day, and you accidentally see a record of your favorite singer on the shelf, and before you can share your excitement, the other person speaks: "People who like to listen to his songs are so unmusically literate." ”

At this time, your desire for expression may disappear in an instant, and you will begin to mumble in your heart: "If I express my love for this singer, will he also think that I have no musical literacy?" "You are afraid that your true self will not be accepted by your other half, and you are afraid that your true thoughts will be judged by him. This kind of thinking will inevitably prevent you from expressing it unreservedly to him.

The fourth reason is a lack of trust and fear of relying on the other party.

If you feel that your partner is willing to accept whatever you say, then all the vulnerability and sadness will want to talk to him first. But if you don't believe that the other person can accept you unconditionally, you don't dare to rely too much on him.

I have a friend who, when sad, would rather tell his girlfriend than confide half a point to his partner; They also rarely talk to their partner when they need help. Later, I learned that she didn't really need her partner to share, but she was afraid that she had this need.

Like many people who claim to be independent, she actually wants to rely on her partner in her heart. However, whenever he was not around, she would subconsciously feel a serious sense of abandonment. Whenever the needs she tells are not met by the other person, she feels that the love is about to disappear. Over time, she developed a psychological defense mechanism, using "less self-expression and more independence" to defend against anxiety caused by too much dependence on the other party.

The fifth reason is intimate shame.

When you open yourself up to someone and say your truest and most secret thoughts, it makes your relationship closer. But if you're not familiar with this feeling, the intimacy is unbearable, and there is a sense of intimate shame. And the reason why we dare to express ourselves when we are angry, because talking angrily does not make you feel numb compared to telling calmly.

The sixth reason is the reluctance to lower your posture.

Many people with a low sense of value value especially value their self-esteem and like to use words such as should and must, so as to show that they are unquestionable. And once you put your posture on an equal footing with your partner, it will inspire a feeling of inferiority. In this gesture, how can you express your true thoughts, and how can the other party feel the real you?

02

Master the 4 levels of interpersonal communication,

Make the other person understand you better

Understand the reasons that hinder communication, and the corresponding solution will come out: figure out what you want to express; Remove the label and focus on the expression itself rather than anything else; Be brave to reveal your true self and fully trust your partner; remove intimate shame; Lower your posture.

Of course, to do this, it is not something that can be learned by reading an article, but requires systematic study and a lifetime of practice. I focus on sharing practical presentation skills.

There are 4 levels of interpersonal communication:

The first level is the expression of facts.

Tomorrow is a rainy day, I had a big meal last night, who who is on the hot search again, which old classmate has already married and had a baby... Sharing celebrity gossip, parents are short, these are all expressions of facts. The advantage of expressing facts is that it is safe, error-free, and protects the boundaries of both parties from being crossed; The downside is that just talking about facts doesn't increase mutual understanding and intimacy.

The second level is to express one's own opinions, opinions.

"He really has no conscience for doing such a thing." "I think your clothes look good." "You can think so, that couldn't be better." "I think I'm a little too much..." Expressing your opinion is the beginning of revealing yourself, and the other person will get to know you better.

The third level is to express expectations.

If you have any expectations for your partner, express it truthfully to the other person. "I hope you can find time to watch a movie with me tonight." "I want you to visit me as soon as you come back from a business trip." Consistently expressing your expectations and overcoming the shame of expressing them is the best way to take responsibility for your own needs.

The fourth level is the emotion of expressing vulnerability.

Being blamed by leaders, frustrated at work, not understood by parents... There are many moments in life that can trigger negative emotions in us. Whenever there are moments like this, instead of expressing your anger to your partner, it is better to talk about your vulnerability: I am sad, I am wronged, I feel very anxious, I am really worried... Expressing vulnerability is the quickest way to bring you closer and let them know about you.

Imagine a scenario where you work late into the night and come home hungry. Unexpectedly, the partner is nestled on the sofa, there is no food in the room, only the sound of the TV, which makes you very angry. Next, how would you express it?

A: "I leave work so late, why don't you cook!" I've never seen someone so lazy as you! ”

B: "I'm a little sad to see that you're not cooking."

Which emotion do you think the other person is better able to accept from you?

Of course, the above expressions are based on skill, and the most important thing is to be attentive when expressing. Otherwise, even if you express your vulnerability, it will sound like a full routine to the other party.

Source: Journal of Marriage and Family