Via: "One Day"
Author | Faith Hill
Translate | Cotton Bear
Review | Cool brain
Read aloud | Hoon
Artwork | Jenny
Edit | YJ
Rekindled love has some special power – even if it doesn't last forever. Perhaps this is because in the search for lost love, you also find a lost part of yourself. I believe that a second relationship is a powerful act of resurrection: by restoring your ex—a part of your past—to your present life, you redeem your loss.
There are many regrets in life that cannot be repaired. You can't go back in time to revise for a failed exam, or take another job offer that you've turned down, or tell someone before they die that you really care about them.
Via: "One Day"
But if you start to believe — and you're certainly not the first person to think this way — breaking up is a mistake. Maybe some memories have begun to creep into you: the laughter of your ex, their weird mannerisms, all the ways you think they support you. Maybe they are regretting it too. Perhaps, in this case, you will have a second chance.
For researchers who study intimacy, "cyclical" relationships — those that involve one or more cycles of "breakup and recovery" — can be troubling. These cycles were associated with poorer relationship quality and more symptoms of depression and anxiety. The more times a relationship is ended and restarted, the less likely it is for the couple to be happy. But not every reunited couple will be stuck on a merry-go-round. In fact, it's not uncommon to get back together with an ex: A 2013 study found that more than one-third of cohabiting couples and one-fifth of married couples had previously broken up.
Of course, some partners are better apart. Still, I'm curious about couples who have gotten back together and been together for many years. They didn't succeed at first, and then they succeeded. Did something change in between?
I've talked to several people who happily get back together with their ex. When their relationship ends, they mostly assume that the end is permanent. But time passed; Their lives have changed, and so have they themselves. When they returned to each other, they came back with a firm heart. They solve problems; They try to run in; They improve their relationships. They told me that their broken mirror reunion taught them a lot about how to make relationships last. A strong marriage requires a wonderful combination of chemistry, timing, and hard work – and that's important not just for couples who have reunited, but for all of us.
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For many people, reuniting with a past partner is a very attractive idea. In a 2021 Match survey of 5,000 single Americans, nearly a third of participants said they would get back together with their ex if they could. If that seems high, think about it: falling in love changes us physically, even permanently. After a breakup, the functional structure of the brain does not always return to its previous state.
Anthropologist Helen Fisher told me that the changes are adaptive: finding a partner — which is "the greatest reward of life" — can motivate us to have sex, thus passing on our genes. Not only do we have the potential to win this award, but "we're going to try to keep it." Fisher points to several common stages that people go through after being dumped: first shock, then protest. People will try to change each other, or make each other jealous – they try to win each other's hearts back. Fisher told me that even if you're the one who abandoned him, "the brain doesn't forget love." ”
With love firmly imprinted in their memories, it's easy for an ex to imagine what it would be like if something different had happened in the past. This is called counterfactual thinking, and it goes hand in hand with regret and regret. Daniel Pinker, author of The Power of Regret, believes that regretting a lost or broken relationship is one of the most common experiences. Often, we have no way of knowing if the beautiful scenario you imagine is just hypothetical. But Pinker told me that getting back together with an ex is a "rare opportunity to go against reality." Broken and reunited partners can test whether their regrets are just speculation or if they mean something that needs to be saved.
After years of counterfactual dreams, the broken mirror can feel detached. Take Laura Osborne and Mark Jevons, who started dating when she was 14 and he was 15; In his words, they "had a lot of fun", grew up together on the south coast of England, swam in the sea and were together almost every day. But their relationship ended when Jevons left England at the age of 19 to join the RAF. Eventually, they both had children with someone else, but they never forgot each other. Then, when they spent a night together in 2017, the previous 19 years seemed to be gone. "We still fit perfectly," Osborne told me in an email. "I don't want to go home." Now they are engaged and live in England. The reconciliation of others I spoke to was more gradual, but no less compelling: They kept in touch, or reconnected, slowly realizing that they didn't — and maybe never will — feel the same way about others.
Via: "One Day"
This kind of heat seems to be common in second relationships. From 1993 to 1996, Nancy Kalish, a psychologist at California State University, Sacramento, surveyed 1,001 participants who reunited with their "lost lover" at least 5 years after the breakup and found that 71 percent said it was the most exciting romance they had ever experienced. She noted that this passion seems to lead to above-average sex. Her sexual satisfaction scale ranged from 1 to 5, but many respondents wrote numbers higher than 5 or added notes in the margins. "This is the best sex !!!!!!!!!!! ever" One respondent said; "Oh my God!!" Another netizen wrote.
Obviously, rekindled love has some special power – even if it doesn't last forever. Perhaps this is because in the search for lost love, you also find a lost part of yourself. I believe that a second relationship is a powerful act of resurrection: by restoring your ex—a part of your past—to your present life, you redeem your loss. You also rewrote a story. You may feel that, no matter how irrational, your life is not just aimless, full of wasted years and unnecessary painful twists and turns; Rather, it is an arc that always leads to the path of this person.
But all the things that make a broken love enticing and uncanny can also make it dangerous. Those who want to get back together with their ex may remember only the pleasures of past romances, but not the pain; They may just crave familiarity. Of course, they didn't really travel back in time on a time machine; Now the situation is different, and they are not the same self they used to be. You can understand why researchers are worried about these couples.
But Kale Monk, a professor of cyclical relationships at the University of Missouri, told me that while he usually associates the breakup-compound cycle with toxic dynamics, his research shows that it actually encourages some partners to recommit to each other. So why do some people try to rekindle the spark, while others fail?
According to the "relational-turbulence theory," life transitions or interruptions can challenge partners, forcing them to reevaluate their daily lives and even their future. But turbulent times can also bring opportunities. Denise Solomon is a communications scientist who helped develop this theory. She told me that breaking up allows couples to reset and adjust their relationship. In fact, according to Genné Daly, a professor of communication at the University of Texas at Austin, those who use breakups to change relationships have the most positive outcomes of all couples.
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To really start over, couples need to figure out what went wrong, or they risk falling back into the old pattern. Most people I spoke to told me that their breakup was the result of a lack of communication — what they were going through, what they wanted out of life or out of the relationship — and that they didn't make these things clear to each other in the previous relationship. For example, Kevin Carney and Denise Carney married at 23 and 24, respectively, and soon had children; Being parents too early, they did not discuss their needs, so they divorced when the children were young.
Some of the others I spoke to felt that they were not as engaged as their partners and therefore felt increasingly angry and unfair; Several people told me they had been dealing with some of the trauma of their early years and carrying that baggage into their relationships. However, after getting back together, they both worked hard to avoid breaking up again. Teresa Cunningham is now remarried to her husband, Bruce, and lives in St. George, Utah. It was a revelation for both of them, she told me: "Stop worrying about your partner and complaining that they're not perfect." OMG, look at yourself. ”
Bruce and Theresa are actually together for the third time. They met through a friend in 1973 when he was a student at Brigham Young University, and she had just graduated; They remember that night, they stood together on the balcony, joking that they would be married in a week. The following year, they did get married, but about 15 years later, they divorced. A year later, they married again, but the marriage did not last long; Their good times were so good, but somehow they couldn't stop seeing each other as competitors.
In 2009, Bruce's father passed away. When Theresa came to the funeral, she was treated like family; She sat next to him and his mother. In 2014, she began joining them on their weekly Sunday dinner, eating, chatting and playing Scrabble. In the end, they could no longer deny it: they still loved each other. But they know how ridiculous it seems. Soon after, when they got married for the third time, they were ecstatic but afraid of failing again.
After about a year of happy life, their old problems began to surface. They try to make things clear, but it's not easy. Then one day, they tried a way to change everything. The following week, they decided, let's see each other as perfect. It's just a casual exercise, but it changes their mindset; They begin to assume each other's innocence and avoid what Bruce calls an "escalation of misunderstanding." When they both think the other person is right, they must be honest about their mistakes. This is useful.
Once Bruce and Theresa realized they could learn to resolve disputes, they started the race: they began to learn compassionate communication, attend workshops, and read expert advice. Now, they share positive affirmations every day, for example, they decide to do "realize they have happy love" – each person lists three things they are grateful for and that are to be interconnected. These practices may sound cheesy, but listening to Bruce and Theresa describe them together, excitedly communicating with each other, I began to suspect that the specific methods were not the point, what was important was that they had a common plan – to keep their relationship – and that they were together. "I didn't think we were on the same team before," Teresa told me. "I think he wants this, I want this... Now I think we want the same thing. For another person, it's really a good life. ”
Bruce and Theresa are convinced that their entire chaotic journey — more than 20 years apart and growing up on their own for almost the same amount of time — has taken them where they need to go. Solomon said the certainty of a couple's relationship is crucial to getting through their turbulent relationship. You might think that reunited couples increase uncertainty in relationships; They know that their relationship could break down. But many of the people I spoke to explored other options when they were apart and were more confident in their relationship. "The grass is not greener; Just different shades of brown," Dennis Carney learned.
These couples do have problems, but separating is an even worse thing for them. Faced with a clear choice to move on, they chose each other again – even knowing that it wasn't always easy. This means that they now feel that their relationship is particularly precious. They know they're lucky to have another chance.
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I think there are two theories about romance that are popular in American culture. One view is that there needs a "spark" between partners, that is, some kind of collision between their personalities. Another view is that if the timing is right, you can be happy with a lot of different people. But the reunited partner knows that love is a complex mixture of charm and effort, chance and strategy.
People I talk to have a magnetic attraction to their partners that is enough to pull them back to each other, sometimes across decades of time and continents. Several people say their relationship is destined — even those who advocate for improving it. "We're like rubber bands," told me Denise Carney, who is now married again with Kevin and lives in Philipsburg, New Jersey. "We can only be so far apart and then we will bump back together." Research does show that chemistry, complex physical and emotional attraction are important. Fisher believes that if someone fits your "love map," which is what you consciously and unconsciously look for in your partner, then you are likely to continue, no matter what bumps in the road.
But no matter how unique the connection to each other, timing can be an obstacle. I've heard of relationships threatened because one partner is struggling to find a job, or struggling with mental health, or moving. Partners at different stages of life need to be prepared to take on different levels of commitment. In fact, we are not completely out of touch with our environment. They shape us.
However, if the timing may not be right now, it may be right again in the future. The Carneys have both grown up, matured, and learned to support each other through parenthood. Others are spurred by breakups to go to psychotherapy, get a new degree or job, and deliver on their promises. Bruce Cunningham is studying to become a marriage and family therapist so he can help couples like him and Theresa who have struggled. As circumstances change, so do people, and so do their relationships. Even couples who have never broken up can change with circumstances. "It's amazing how many people say, we were great at the beginning. Then, in the middle of our middle age where we had children, we couldn't stand each other," Fisher said. "And now, we're madly in love again."
One day, you may meet your ex and discover that they are somehow different. Maybe they look more patient and mature. Maybe they're listening to you and aren't as distracted as they used to be. Maybe they've realized that they really want children, or they've stopped drinking heavily, or they've said they're sorry, very sorry, because of how immature they were at the time. Maybe they will forgive you for your mistake. Maybe you realize that you have changed.
Perhaps a broken mirror relationship is actually a time machine – but the secret is not to tune the scale to the past, but to the future. Rediscovering old feelings can be wonderful. Even more surprising is entering a new world to discover that both your partner and yourself have changed, and knowing that you don't want to go through time travel with other people until you lose each other.
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1.Monk, J. K., Ogolsky, B. G., & Maniotes, C. (2022). On–Off Relationship Instability and Distress Over Time in Same- and Different-Sex Relationships. Family Relations, 71( 2), 630– 643. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12614
2.Love-related changes in the brain: a resting-state functional magnetic resonance imaging study. Front. Hum. Neurosci., 13 February 2015. Sec. Brain Health and Clinical Neuroscience. Volume 9 - 2015 | https://doi.org/10.3389/fnhum.2015.00071
3.René M. Dailey, Andrea A. McCracken, Borae Jin, Kelly R. Rossetto & Erik W. Green (2013) Negotiating Breakups and Renewals: Types of On-again/Off-again Dating Relationships, Western Journal of Communication, 77:4, 382-410, DOI: 10.1080/10570314.2013.775325