In the past two months, I have continued to chase Mango TV's "Goodbye Lover", watching their defense, control, vulnerability, aggression and self-attack in intimate relationships, and my heart is mixed, and each guest can find some part of the shadow inside.
I admire these three pairs of guests very much, admire their bravery and truth, and present their private inner world and emotional life so nakedly, which is a "intimate relationship education film" with profound significance.
What is intimacy? Huang Weiren said: Two people dance in a completely dark room where they can't see their fingers, but unfortunately this dance is the most challenging dance; Therefore, only when we turn on the lights and light up the lights in our subconscious can we see clearly the many influences brought by the original family unconsciously, see the dance steps of both sides, jump out of the dead knot, and see our life and marriage.
Many attacked and even casually insulted guests, who may never really understand themselves or value their vulnerability. Among them, the most powerful on the Internet is "Zhang Wanting", in the first few issues of the show, I also quickly identified with Song Ningfeng (Zhang Wanting's husband), for Zhang Wanting's aggressiveness I have a rejection and disgust, with my awareness of myself, because I am unwilling to accept my aggressive and aggressive side, I am more willing to recognize myself as a weak and forgiving "victim": if Zhang Wanting pushes me, I will also "be unable to express myself", "unable to establish myself", I will be PUA by her, because I am used to putting [self] Responsibilities and powers are handed over, and my feelings and needs need to be established and satisfied by others.
I think under traditional Chinese culture, we are all more likely to identify with Song Ningfeng, who is forgiving and fawning, on the one hand, we are more likely to identify with the "victim", but we cannot identify with the "attacker", identify with the "good guy" side, we are safer in our hearts, not the "bad guy" side; On the other hand, we tend to be swayed by the needs and evaluations of others in our relationships and unable to be ourselves.
I wanted to go beyond the personal attack and personal perspective of Zhang Wanting and offer some different perspectives.
01
"Grievances" and moral capital in family life
"Home" is heavy in Chinese's heart, and our lives, our human beings, our sorrows and joys, our self-esteem satisfaction and frustration all unfold in this small social unit, this passage comes from "Floating Life and Meaning". This book explores the struggle for power in family life. A person who pays a lot for the family is accumulating moral capital, and once he gets more moral capital, he will have more right to speak, and the relationship between people and people becomes a contest of moral capital and power. But the logic of family politics and public politics is different, starting and ending at intimacy.
But why has "family" become the same as external politics, people compete for "justice" and "justice" in family life, for "moral capital" and "right to speak", the assumption behind it is "I have paid a lot for you, for our relationship, for the family, you still don't come to recognize me, I am very aggrieved, I am very incompetent and failed; I feel that my dignity and existence value are suppressed, and it is too painful to face the "self" of incompetence and failure, so I want to attack you and make you more painful and failed, because it proves that you are incompetent, you are the party with the problem, then I am not incompetent, I can feel better.
Zhang Wanting and Song Ningfeng went on the show to get back a justice, "I need a third party to prove that I am right, to fight for more moral capital", which is the underlying logic common to traditional Chinese families. There is no doubt that it is the wrong decision to solve the problem of intimacy on TV shows, and they do not need to seek justice from the public, but a professional marriage counselor, and a third party to support and heal each other's pain.
Marriage is different from public political life, the purpose of intimacy is not to fight for right and wrong, but for intimacy, I strive to get closer to you, try to understand each other's differences, strive to grow myself, marriage is the process of everyone perfecting themselves.
02
Love ≠ grasp the ideal "parents" that were not obtained in childhood
"How to love" is like a heavy mountain, because we have never learned "how to love", nor have we had the ability to "get along with others", let alone "accept vulnerability and regulate emotions". Marriage is just the union of two "wounded inner children" and "unsatisfied inner children", grabbing "unconditional love and recognition" in the marriage relationship, longing for "ideal father/mother", longing for each other's support and warmth. When our needs are unmet, we project our partner as "controlling and hurting parents" to attack and confront.
We seek "attachment" in intimate relationships, as in the marriage vows that are uttered when we receive our marriage license: "Whether in good times or bad, rich or poor, healthy or sick, happy or sad, I will always love you, cherish you, be faithful to you forever and ever." ”
However, true intimacy truth is not.
Psychoanalytic predecessor Wu Heming once mentioned that the vow of marriage should be like this:
The priest said to the woman: Are you willing to marry him, go deep into the tiger's den, become a stand-in for his mother and his sister, and accept the anger he has accumulated for twenty-eight years? Are you willing to marry him, face his disillusionment with you, experience all kinds of losses in the depths of life with him, bear what he can't bear, love himself that he can't love?
The priest said to the man: Are you willing to marry her, turn your home into the main battlefield, become a stand-in for her father and her brother, and accept the illusions, jealousy and hatred she has accumulated for twenty-six years? Would you like to marry her so that you can still see the light behind her when she faces you in the darkest part? Don't be tempted by each other's demons, don't bow to despair?
03
Father: Now I announce that the double practice begins!
The ability to love = the ability to face vulnerability
So what do we "double repair"? Cultivate our ability to face vulnerability.
We usually operate in two behavior patterns: one is our adult mode, consciously and consciously interacting with the external environment, having an objective understanding of the external environment, and having the ability to express our feelings and meet our needs, because we have the basic certainty that we are safe and I have the ability to support ourselves; One is our child mode, where when we feel threatened and vulnerable, we go into automated fight-or-flight mode, as shown in the figure below.
The real challenge in intimacy comes from the fact that when we are triggered by the emotional button, we are able to calm our inner vulnerability and children, return to adult mode from automatic mode, and present our true selves with awareness, express our feelings, and meet our own needs.
When the other party enters an automated fragile trauma mode, attacking, fawning, avoiding or froze, at that moment, we can comfort ourselves and deeply solidify ourselves, that is, express ourselves truthfully, defend our boundaries, and respect each other's differences, that is, do not ask the other party to satisfy themselves, nor do we aggrieved ourselves to please each other.
May we all have the strength to face vulnerability.
Author: Aijin, this article is reproduced from the public number Parenting Self (ID: reframe_and_reflect), has been authorized.
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