Two-way parenting transforms the old fear-based parenting approach into a new approach to family relationships that promotes unconditional love, positive self-worth, smooth communication, healthy self-esteem, empathy, responsibility, and cooperation. By achieving the inner and outer transformations below, each of us can create and enjoy a new love-based family life.
1. From external drive to inner drive
Many people judge their own value based on the opinions of others, a phenomenon that is very common, and we call it "external drive". When others appreciate us, we feel valued; when others don't appreciate us, we consider ourselves worthless. Only when self-worth is rooted in the heart can we have the confidence to take action and the courage to take responsibility, which is "intrinsically driven".
In the early stages of life, the only people who can make children discover themselves are their parents. If parents have a disapproving and critical attitude toward their children when they are young, the child will have an opinion: "I am a bad boy and I do not deserve to be loved." "And when parents have a more positive attitude towards their children, children are more likely to think that they are important, valuable, and excellent, which will cultivate the child's internal driving force."
Authoritarian parenting relies on punishment to push the child outwardly motivated. Children learn to decide how they think and act by observing the external environment. There are two types of punishment: psychological punishment and physical punishment. Psychological punishment uses verbal or nonverbal threats to frighten the child and impair the child's self-perception; physical punishment associates the child with wrong behavior and pain by slapping, spanking, pulling the hair, or making the child feel physical pain. Fear is a natural consequence of punishment.
As a means of control, punishment is very effective. When children are afraid, parents have unquestionable authority over them. How does fear affect children? Children will be nervous, anxious, and mentally unbalanced because of fear. There is no doubt that children in fear cannot perform well. It is for this reason that punishment can prevent children from growing into thoughtful, loving, and confident people.
Punishment can also lead to rebellion, rebellion, lying, and resentful obedience. It works well in the short term when controlling children, especially when the punisher is present. But once the punisher leaves, the child's urge to continue the wrong behavior will be difficult to contain. By this time, wrong behavior has risen to become a declaration of autonomy in children. Parenting methods must be changed to help children build an intrinsic drive so that this problem can be effectively avoided.
Dr Thomas Gordon said in his book The Handbook of Parental Effectiveness Training: "There is a little-known psychological common sense that is also a paradox: when you give up your power to control the younger generation, you will gain more influence on them!" And vice versa: as you try to control others more, your influence on them will diminish. ”
Today, the biggest challenge for parents is how to transform the original fear-based parenting method into a new parenting method, and how to help their children become responsible people by building their children's self-discipline. Self-discipline means doing something out of judgment of the correctness of the thing itself, not out of fear of punishment.
2. Avoid extreme thinking
In the eyes of those who hold "black and white" extreme thinking, there are only "you or me", "this or that", "right or wrong", "true or false", "they or us", this "white hat and black hat" way of thinking allows people to distinguish who is a hero and who is a villain through the color of the hat. This way of thinking assumes that one side is all right and the other is all wrong, and you always know which side you should be on. Everything seems so simple and clear, and life is simply cut.
The "black-and-white" extreme thinking does not leave room for "gray areas." Younger children usually hold this idea because they have not yet developed the ability to think abstractly and cannot delve deeper into the nuances of things. This model is true for all Disney cartoons, as are war, cowboy, and Indian-themed films (which are usually all about war). Star Wars is a classic "black and white" movie. It's easy for viewers to grit their teeth at the bad guys and cheer for the good guys. When we see only the winners and the losers in our eyes, it is indeed a pleasant thing to see the winners. Young children must first go through this stage of right and wrong before they can understand nuances. However, when children have the ability to think abstractly, they should be made aware of the limitations of simplifying the world.
3. Blame others for the problem
Children naturally blame others or others for their actions. 6-year-old Rita complained innocently to her mother: "Brian pushed me away." "But the reality was that she was bullying Brian all morning. Billy was slapping the ball in the living room and accidentally broke the lamp. Dad asked Billy, "Did you break the lamp?" Billy replied, "It's not me, it's the ball." ”
In these examples, the child really doesn't know who or what is responsible for what happened. Through the explanation and guidance of their parents, they can understand that it is their actions that cause the final result. In this case, if the parents use blame, humiliation, or other forms of punishment, the child is likely to continue to be confused about how they are having problems.
If children are always blaming others for their problems, they are most likely developing a pattern of not taking responsibility for their actions. At first it may be out of fear of punishment that they are reluctant to admit their mistakes, and if they are not discovered on the spot, even if they are causing trouble themselves, they will think it is best to pretend not to know.
4. Victim syndrome
Unfortunately, these children grow up to be good at shirking responsibility, and some are even so severe that they become a personality disorder. They can easily fall into "victim syndrome," which includes three roles: victim, persecutor, and rescuer.
Victim syndrome is a pathology in which people always complain that others abuse themselves or are unfair to themselves, but in reality the cause of the problem is themselves. There is not a real victim here. When a person is a real victim, the way they deal with the problem is completely different from that of someone with the condition. A real victim will take responsibility for telling the truth and actively seeking the right way to solve the problem, and they will never want the victim's feelings to be in control of themselves.
In victim syndrome, "victims" are a group of people who make a misjudgment but are unwilling to take responsibility for their actions. The "victim" will look for a "rescuer" who is willing to help him. But when the latter finds out that the "victim" is a completely irresponsible person, it gets angry. When they feel they are being used, they refuse to continue to help. The "victims" do not admit that they have done anything wrong, nor do they make any effort to solve the problem, and they will think that the "rescuers" who complain about their irresponsibility are the "persecutors". Most "victims" feel that there are many "persecutors" who are bullying them and trying to get rid of them. In this way, the "victim" continues to behave irresponsibly, and eventually develops such a habit of behavior.
The "victim" will then look for a new "rescuer" who will believe the "victim's" story and offer help. This strange circle is just like this.
I am a creator of happy pregnancy, quality parenting, family education instructor, loving and thoughtful parenting and education master. Welcome to follow, like and comment, more parenting knowledge and education issues can communicate with me, make parenting easier, make education more effective!