How exactly is the flattering personality formed? Why is my child a little bully at home, very intimidated outside, always to cater to the needs of others, do not know how to think for themselves. Many parents have such questions.
I know a friend whose child is typical and always seeks the approval of others. As soon as others didn't approve of him, he was overwhelmed and wondered if he had done something wrong. Sometimes he is very good at praising people, and he gets recognition by praising people, and sometimes he doesn't want to talk, he doesn't express objections, and he doesn't try to worry about others having an opinion of him. At home, they would rob their siblings of their things, but they would instigate them outside. His behavioral stability and emotional stability are poor. Why are the characteristics of pleasing personality like this?
The reason is because his mother wins him all the time, and if the mother wins the child, the child will feel like a loser and feel humiliated. For example, my mother often said: "Eat and eat, eat what to eat, eat you will be the best." The limbs are developed and the mind is simple, and learning is not necessarily so active. "In the end, the child obediently went to write homework, but there was emotion in his heart, the mother only won the child and did not win the child, the child only wanted to maintain his inner dignity, and defensively coped with the mother."
The expression of winning the child is: "You finished a chicken leg in three minutes, this speed can be, you have done such a difficult thing, how many minutes do you think it takes to pack up the bag and desktop, and prepare for homework?" The child said it was no problem for two minutes, and then happily went to write his homework.
To give another example of a mother winning a child, you should have listened to me go out in rain boots, look at it, I said that you will definitely get your shoes wet today, never say no, the child said: "Mom, I know." "On the surface, things seem to be over, but the child may have very strong emotional feelings in his heart, and he will be confused. Obviously, it didn't rain when I went out in the morning, how it suddenly rained, and this day my limbs were wet, and I felt really uncomfortable. Heck, listen to mom. My judgment was wrong and my feelings didn't matter.
Over time, children will begin to ignore their own feelings and thoughts, self-denial, self-doubt, and then begin to tend to recognize authority. If one day they can get the approval of authorities, such as parents and teachers, children will feel that they are valuable and slowly begin to become flattering.
In this example, the guide child's saying is: "The feet are wet, feel uncomfortable, come and change your shoes quickly." Are you comfortable changing your shoes now? You must not have thought that the weather was raining well. Think about what you can do next time you encounter such an emergency? Don't get your shoes wet. "The child will feel that he is understood and accepted, and there will be no negative voices in his head. As a result, the child will begin to devote all his thoughts to solving problems. I would like to ask my mother to show me the weather forecast. Or maybe the water shoes are too heavy, I don't want to bring them, I want to put two plastic bags in the bag for later. I'm not afraid of when it rains. "Wow, my son is awesome, I can think of this method, with your method, my mother no longer has to worry about sudden rain." 」 The child has a great sense of accomplishment, and the mother wins the child's heart.
That's the first way I'm going to share today to stay away from flattering personality and always be a parent who wins over your child, not a parent who wins your child. Because the way the child is won through denial and blow, the child will obey and do it, but they will feel that they are a loser, and they will feel that they are incompetent. Then seek self-worth by currying favor, guiding the child will let the child be respected and learn from the good experience of the parents. He is a win-win, the child's self-esteem level will be high, and the identification with self-worth will be based on self-evaluation, not on the evaluation of others.
Second, don't forget to encourage your child at any time, and encourage your child to make good use of the sensory channels that your child likes to do. If you have a flattering personality as an adult, can you think of yourself as an auditory type? Prefer to hear words of encouragement? Then always write down words of encouragement and read them to yourself. If it's a child, just tell it to the child. If it is kinetic, give yourself a hug, give your child a hug. Sometimes physical contact is quite encouraging for a person.
Third, don't forget to give your child the right to choose. When a child has the right to choose, it means that he can say no to some unwanted things that he does not like, he will know how to refuse and learn to let go, so that he will be farther and farther away from flattery.