01
One day in December last year, I went to meet a client, talked about cooperation, and I planned to go home for dinner.
First, when the company first opened a few years ago, my husband Zhou Ming and I often went out to talk about business and cope with various meals, and it was really enough to see the food outside. Second, the meals made by my nanny Aunt Chen are very much in line with my appetite, and I really like it.
I didn't call before I went back.
When I got home, it was almost 11 o'clock.
There was no one in the living room, and sure enough, Aunt Chen and my mother-in-law were basking in the sun in the backyard and chatting.
Aunt Chen enviously said to my mother-in-law: "Old sister, you don't know how many people envy you." The son and daughter-in-law have the ability, live in the villa, do not have to worry about housework, and eat and drink more comfortable every day.
I thought that my mother-in-law would happily agree, but unexpectedly, she sighed deeply and said: Old sister, I would rather be like you, do something every day, and it will be okay to be busy. Every day like this, I feel like I'm in jail, I don't feel comfortable anywhere.
Aunt Chen smiled and said: Your laborious life, now it is time to enjoy, just enjoy it. Sons and daughters-in-law are filial and filial, how good. Why do you still feel like you're in jail?
The mother-in-law did not answer, looked up at the sky, full of sorrow.
I'm not happy either.
Since entering the autumn, my mother-in-law has been arguing with me and Zhou Ming to go back to her hometown, she herself has to be sick every two months from spring to autumn, how can we rest assured that she will go back to her hometown by herself?
Unexpectedly, we kindly left our mother-in-law to live here and let her learn to enjoy life, but she felt like she was in prison.
However, instead of going over to break up with my mother-in-law, I went upstairs to put my things away and changed into house clothes. Otherwise, I'm angry, and I won't be able to get into a fight with her.
02
However, I still can't help but be angry in my heart.
My relationship with my mother-in-law has always been good. My husband Zhou Ming and I decided to buy a house in the second year of work, and my in-laws gave us all their savings of 80,000 yuan, which reduced a lot of burdens for us. For this, the sister-in-law also said that they were eccentric and gave me and Zhou Ming everything that was good.
In the second year of moving into the new house, Zhou Ming and I planned to start our own business. It was a very difficult year, and I often ran the business with a big belly. My mother-in-law put down everything in the house early and came to take care of me.
Seeing that it was inconvenient for me to stand up on my stomach, she also took the initiative to wash my feet, even if I refused, she insisted. It can be said that she really regards me as a daughter, and I am naturally grateful to her.
After the birth of her daughter, my mother-in-law has been helping to bring her to the age of 3 at my house. When my daughter went to kindergarten, we took the time to pick her up and drop her off before she returned to her hometown.
It can be said that those 3 years were also the busiest 3 years for me and Zhou Ming. Thanks to the powerful rear of the mother-in-law, we have hot rice and hot dishes whenever we come back, and our daughter is also very good with her. It can be said that we don't have to worry about anything at home, and the mother-in-law is properly taken care of.
At that time, the company just had a look, our conditions were not good, the family did not ask for a nanny or anything, really all rely on the mother-in-law. I am very grateful.
Therefore, just after the End of last year, after my father-in-law died unexpectedly, Zhou Ming discussed with me that he wanted to take his mother-in-law to live with us, and I agreed without hesitation.
In the past, my mother-in-law was really good to us and paid too much for us. And when my father-in-law was just developing in our career, The blessings were not enjoyed well, and the people were gone, which was also the regret of Zhou Ming and me.
In order to avoid the desire to raise children and not to wait, we resolutely brought our mother-in-law to the provincial city.
In fact, my mother-in-law did not want to come with us, she said, she is very good at home. However, Zhou Ming personally went out to help her hand over the previous field to his three uncles, and also dealt with the chickens and ducks that her mother-in-law had been worried about, and finally her mother-in-law followed us.
03
At this time, we are no longer what we used to be. We moved into the big villa, Me and Zhou Ming had a car, and my daughter had a special tutor teacher to help her with her homework. We hired a babysitter and the garden at the back of the villa was regularly tended by gardeners.
What we want is to let our mother-in-law join us and enjoy life well. She has been suffering all her life, and now that Zhou Ming and her sister-in-law are married, she should also enjoy it.
For our approach, the sister-in-law who married Tianjin is also very supportive. She said that her mother-in-law was really not used to life in Tianjin, otherwise she would let her mother-in-law go to her house. We are in the provincial capital, fortunately still in a province, for the mother-in-law, it is also good.
However, I found that after my mother-in-law came this time, she was not as happy as we expected.
The nanny did everything in the house, she just sat there in a daze, let her watch TV, and she was always distracted. Every day is unhappy, and there is no longer the style of the past.
I think back then, my mother-in-law helped us take care of our children, buy vegetables and cook, everything in the family was made by her, how energetic she was at that time, and now she is like a flower that has lost its moisture, slowly withering.
Zhou Ming was also very depressed, we all thought that after the death of the father-in-law, the mother-in-law was still immersed in grief, and everything would be fine. To this end, I also specially gave my sister-in-law a special time, so that she had nothing to call her mother-in-law and make her happy.
Unexpectedly, the mother-in-law is still the same. Not only that, but her health was getting worse and worse.
I thought of a lot of ways to let her go out and dance square dance, and the neighborhood next to her was very popular and lively at night, and I took her twice, but it was obvious that she lacked interest.
Once, the mother-in-law went outside and took a turn and brought back some cardboard boxes and plastic bottles thrown by others. Just then, on her way back carrying these, she was seen by Me and Zhou Ming.
Zhou Ming stopped the car and said, Mom, what are you?
The mother-in-law quickly threw away the waste in her hand, and explained with some confusion: I was just idle and uncomfortable.
Zhou Ming came down and took her hand and said: Mom, we didn't tell you, now that our conditions are better, it is different from before, and you don't need to be so bitter. These wastes are not worth a few dollars, so why bother?
The mother-in-law stopped talking, as if a child had made a mistake.
04
That night, Zhou Ming discussed with me that we would give our mother-in-law 4,000 pocket money every month, so that she would feel more secure. Otherwise, with her nature, she wouldn't have told us if she had no money.
I'd like to say, or give 5,000. Anyway, if she can't spend it, she can still keep it. With our current conditions, there is no shortage of this money.
We thought that in this way, the mother-in-law could feel more secure and happy. However, I found that we were still wrong.
The mother-in-law is still unhappy, she has been sick for three days, and we don't know what the reason is. Supposedly, her life is now many times better than before she didn't know. What's more, she has been coming to my house for more than half a year, and she really lives a life that many rural old ladies envy.
Unexpectedly, she actually felt that she was in prison. No wonder that after entering the autumn, my mother-in-law quarreled with us every day and wanted to go back to her hometown.
Every time she said this, Zhou Ming said three words " disagree" . Of course, Zhou Ming will also find a lot of excuses for his disagreement.
First, the medical conditions in the countryside are poor, and the mother-in-law's body, in case she is sick, there is no one around, which is inconvenient.
Second, the conditions in the countryside are naturally not as good as in the city, where the mother-in-law does not have to cook, and the clothes do not have to be washed, how comfortable.
However, comfort is from the perspective of us and others, not necessarily the mother-in-law'.
Although I felt uncomfortable in my heart, I didn't tell Zhou Ming these things, lest he explode. I wonder if there is any other solution.
On the other hand, what the mother-in-law said to the nanny was not her true words?
We're just thinking about it from our point of view, but from her point of view it's a different story.
After changing clothes, I calmed down. It's just a moment and a half, and I don't know what to do.
05
Until The New Year's Day family gathering. I went back to the neighboring city, where my mother and second aunt and brother-in-law lived.
The cousin of the second aunt's family has also developed very well in recent years, the business is still doing well, the family also lived in a large villa, invited a nanny, for which she also specially took the second aunt in her hometown to live together.
In this regard, my mother and brother-in-law are very supportive, and they feel that their brothers and sisters can finally get together in a city.
During this time, I occasionally contacted my cousin, and I also heard her complain about her second aunt, saying that she would not enjoy life, and bought her very expensive clothes, she did not wear them, or wore old clothes from before. There was a nanny at home, and she rushed to do all the nanny's work, which made people very embarrassed.
I laughed and said, isn't this just like my mother-in-law?
However, this time, I listened to the chat between my second aunt and my mother, and I had a different understanding.
The second aunt said that after the uncle's death, the daughter and son-in-law had good conditions and took her to live together, and the son-in-law did not have to say anything to her, taking care of her like a mother. But they did, on the contrary, made her feel stressed and felt like a waste.
The second aunt meant that my mother persuaded my cousin to let her go back to her rural hometown. Even if she didn't farm, she would raise some chickens, ducks and geese, and chat with her old neighbors. Instead of being trapped in a luxurious house all day, rarely seeing people around, she was not happy, and people were about to get stuffy.
My mom thought about it and said she would talk to her cousin and she could understand her second aunt.
The next day my cousin came to pick up my second aunt, and my mother took the opportunity to chat with her, just as I was there.
My mother said to my cousin that the older people are, the more they are afraid of being considered old by others, and the more they want to have some value. We children are very filial, want them to live better, the heart is good, but it is not necessarily suitable for them, old men and women.
My mom also gave the example of her and my dad, who when we first retired, the two of us were uncomfortable anywhere, especially when my dad was completely sick and sick twice.
Later, two people opened a small clinic, every day to show people the disease, to pass the time, both people feel that they have value, the soul also has a support, and it is not this pain there itch.
After listening to it, the cousin said that she understood, and after the New Year, she would let the second aunt go back. She and her husband would go back first and repair the house in their hometown, so that the second aunt would live and they would be at ease.
I said, I understand, I know what to do with my mother-in-law.
For my mother-in-law's situation, I did not complain to my mother less before, and my mother smiled and said: You understand.
06
After I got home, I said to Zhou Ming, I have something to say to him, Zhou Ming also smiled and said to me, he also had something to say to me.
Finally, I said it first.
I said that since my mother-in-law was not happy at my house, we might as well let her go back to her hometown. After that, we went back twice a month to see her, she likes to plant the land, like to raise chickens, have a sustenance. We do this only to satisfy our filial piety and make others look like we are filial and not really good for our mother-in-law.
True filial piety is to let the mother-in-law live according to her own wishes, how to be happy, let her live.
It's that we need to get in trouble and go back to see her often. In this way, we can also take our daughter back to experience rural life, how rare, as a tourist.
As for the mother-in-law's house, it was just built a few years ago, that is, the yard still needs to be repaired. We don't trust her words, we can also install a monitor.
These are all things that I am afraid that my husband will not agree to and think about in advance.
Unexpectedly, when I finished, my husband laughed happily.
He said that while I was not here for two days, the nanny was also on vacation, and the mother-in-law did her own housework and cooked, and she was full of energy. The waist is no longer sore, the legs are no longer painful, and the whole person's spirit is up.
Finding these, the husband took the initiative to chat with his mother-in-law. The mother-in-law said that she still wanted to go back and live her own life, so that she would be more comfortable. It was nice to stay in our house, and she didn't worry about anything, but she was full of things and panicked.
After saying that, my husband also opened the book and showed it to me, saying that he saw it two days ago, and let me also look at it.
I opened the book and went straight to my husband's folding page, only to see that it said:
In 1976, the famous psychologist Professor Ellen Lange and her students conducted an experiment. They selected a group of elderly people in nursing homes with an age span of 65 to 90 years old. Of these, 47 elderly people, who were told they had autonomy over their lives. Another 44 elderly people in the control group were told that others would create a comfortable environment for them and help them in all aspects.
The experiment lasted for 3 weeks, and it was found that the elderly in the experimental group were happier and more energetic when they made self-reports. According to the evaluation results of nurses who were unaware of the experiment, 93% of the elderly in the experimental group had improved their physical condition, and only 21% of the elderly in the control group had the same condition.
In addition, the two groups of elderly people also showed significant differences in their interactions with others. The elderly in the experimental group had increased contact with others and were able to talk to various types of staff for a long time, while the control group changed very little.
After 18 months, Professor Lange went to visit the elderly. She was shocked to find that 30 percent of the elderly in the control group died, compared with only 15 percent in the experimental group.
Based on the study and some of their earlier findings, Professor Langer pointed out that for a person who is forced to lose his sense of self-decision-making and control, if we can give him a strong sense of self-responsibility and improve his sense of control over life, then his quality of life will improve and his attitude towards life will become more positive.
07
After reading it, I was silent for a while and said to Zhou Ming, it is not too late, let's send my mother back to my hometown as soon as possible. She is here with us, although she does not lack anything, and she does not have to worry about it, but she has no sense of control, and her heart is not happy, no wonder she is often sick.
The next day, Zhou Ming told his mother-in-law that he would send her back to her hometown. The mother-in-law was happy like a child, and the smile on her face was like a blooming rose, very bright.
In those two days, Zhou Ming and I accompanied our mother-in-law back to our hometown. Just arrived at the mouth of the village, saw the familiar scenery, the mother-in-law had to get off the car and walk back by herself, seeing her brisk steps, the whole person was full of vitality. I understand we did the right thing.
We helped our mother-in-law install the air conditioner, threw away the bad refrigerator and the old battered TV in the house, and replaced it all with new ones. Because we don't want our mother-in-law to reduce her quality of life.
Familiar uncles and aunts around, when they saw their mother-in-law come back to see her, they chatted not to mention how happy they were, and the mother-in-law's voice was much louder.
After settling in my mother-in-law, on the way home, Zhou Ming and I were also in a good mood. Through this incident, we also better understand what is the best "filial piety", which is worth the trip.
In the past, we imprisoned our mother-in-law under the guise of filial piety, but now we let her be free and let her control her life, so that she is truly free and happy.
Of course, 5,000 yuan of living expenses per month, we still give to the mother-in-law on time. After all, getting old and having a little money is also a sense of security that we can give to our mother-in-law.
Soon it was almost May Day, my mother-in-law called us all day and asked us when we would go back, and said that she had newly raised chickens and ducks at home, and there were too many vegetables in the vegetable garden to eat, so let us go back and take them all.
It's almost time, and in two days we'll be home! Looking forward to it!
At the same time, I also made a decision, wait for a few years, Zhou Ming and I retired, and also went back to the self-sufficient pastoral life of my mother-in-law!