01
The problems you see in your child are projections of your own problems
For a family, you are the root of the tree and the child is the flower.
If there is a problem with the flower, it is most likely that the root of the tree also has a problem. Parents often "see" the child's problem, in fact, his own problem in the child's "blossom".
The child is your projection screen, and when you see a problem in the child, it is the external projection of your own problem.
Essentially, there are no problematic children, only problematic parents.
Parent means "mind" and child represents "heart". When the existence of life seems to be in trouble, it is the "mind" that is wrong.
Without your perspective, judgment, and opinion, will there be a problem child in your eyes? If you have a problem child in your eyes, whose problem is it? Who made a problematic child?
It's you, you create some problem concept, and then you project on the child. It is you who are blinded and see a flawless piece of jade as an ugly stone.
If you think you have a problem child, you must turn around and look for the root cause of the problem in yourself. Just like you see some flaws on the screen, first see if there's a problem with the projector's lens.
02
The more fears you have, the more you demand of your children
If you are a fearful parent, you will have a problem child. The greater your fear, the more problems you see as a child.
Fear leads to control. The more frightened you are, the more inclined you are to grasp something in order to make yourself feel secure.
The master is the mind, and children are usually free hearts, they flow like water and are difficult to control. This makes you want to grasp, the more you want to control, the more you want to control, the more you can't grasp, the more you can't control, the more you can't control.
The more fear you have, the more you ask for your child, and the more problems you see as a child. A child is a problematic child, is that really the case? Is it true that without your fears, without your repression or judgment, he was a difficult child to educate? Ask yourself.
When you are a completely fearless parent, your child can grow naturally, and people expect their children to grow up with enough wisdom and ability.
How can a child grow up to show "maximum" wisdom and ability? That is to let him grow up according to nature.
If a child grows up as he is, his wisdom and ability will be maximized when he grows up. But if that's not the case, but you are particularly conscious to cultivate or train him, and when he becomes an adult, maybe his ability in some aspects is good, but his wisdom will be insufficient.
How can a child grow naturally? When you become a completely fearless parent.
It is not easy to put a pony to grow freely on the vast grassland. What a fearless heart the owner of the pony needs! He would worry about the ponies encountering such dangers on the road, of one kind or another of problems. He would worry, so let the pony go, how it would be in the future, how it would grow, and so on.
How dare you give up on your child? You don't have that much courage. In the free form of a child, we can see how big a parent's fearless heart really is. Not a man as bold as God, his children cannot enjoy the pure boundless sky and earth.
Do you know what is best for his life path?
In front of the child, we all seem to be Gods.
In front of a young child, we always play God unconsciously: we know what is best for him, we know what path is best for him...
From a long-term perspective throughout their lives, do you really know what's best for your child?
Using your "know" to control your child to walk your way, to impose what you think is good or right on your child, is simply a form of hostage-grabbing. You are holding his life and freedom hostage, you are holding his heart hostage.
In that ignorance, in the name of love or kindness to him, how many stupid things have you done to your child, do you know?
When a person is in ignorance, you treat yourself how you treat others. You punish your child the way you punish yourself, you rebuke him the way you blame yourself.
When you were a parent with many problems, how could you raise a child who was different from you? The more you manage, the more he becomes you. The more you manage, the more he becomes the part you don't want him to be—the more you become the image of yourself that you hate in your heart.
Only the less you care about him, the less he will be less and less like you, and he will develop more and more new parts of your life that are not there.
What kind of path do you determine is the best path your child should take in life? Do you really know what he really needs? Are you God? If you really are God, do it like God and let your "child" grow up on its own.
Look, the beings under that day—tigers, lions, ants, bees—which one is not growing on their own, God does not control their path of life.
4
Knowledge education and wisdom education
People tend to think of knowledge as wisdom, which is an illusion.
Under the influence of this illusion, people expect more knowledge of their own, and they desperately put knowledge into their minds, which also leads to their educational model.
After the "hope" of parents in themselves expires, they put the "hope" they once had for themselves on their children.
They want their child to be a wise man, how do they do it? Put more knowledge in his head.
If a child can recognize two thousand words at the age of four and recite the Three Character Sutra and the Thousand Character Text, we think he is very clever. And what's the use of that? You're just storing more data on a computer's hard drive.
Wisdom is a state of emptiness, not a state of fullness.
Too much knowledge can only make a mind cunning, and cunning is not wisdom. Computers can dispatch tens of millions of knowledge information at any time, but computers are not a wise human brain.
For man, wisdom does not depend on what is in him, but on emptiness within him.
The more empty parts he has, the more space and ability he has to use his knowledge, just as the more blanks in a computer's hard disk and memory, the faster it will run.
Educate your child, give him what he has, keep his emptiness even more, and don't fill him too full. If you fill his mind too full and too solid, like a bottle that is stuffed too tightly and too solidly, the emptiness in it becomes a dead emptiness, and the wisdom of such a child cannot be exerted.
Therefore, to educate a child, pay attention to the emptiness within him. Knowledge education is an education of existence, and wisdom education is an education of emptiness.
Remember to leave more emptiness for your child than to have – please value wisdom education over knowledge education!
5
Demanding, expecting, and being responsible is not love
We measure whether we love or love a person to a person, and often look at whether we have demands, expectations, or responsibilities toward him, or how deep that is.
The more we demand from a person, the higher we expect, the more we control— the more responsible we are, the more we love that person; conversely, we don't love him, or we don't love him deeply. Is this true? This is a mistake.
Demands, expectations, or so-called responsibilities are merely substitutes for fear. They are another incarnation of fear, another name. Demanding, expecting and being responsible means love, are you sure that's true?
In our education, because we have our own fears, the result is that "demanding," "expecting," or "being responsible" becomes our bond with another individual. When we demand, expect, or take responsibility for Him, it can make us feel deeper and more connected to the other person, making us feel safe ourselves.
Education is to make up for a sense of security, and the more a person emphasizes education, the greater the insecurity behind it. Education seems to be a kind of control, which is based on illusions of the future and fear.
Education is the face of fear, the more one fears, the more one needs it, and the more one fears, the more one seems to need to be educated and educated.
Enlightened people do not have the concept of education because they do not need education. Lao Tzu never advocated education because he was at the source of the Tao.
What all things need is not the education given by others, but self-learning and self-education.
In essence, in the creation of human wisdom, only this part is truly meaningful and effective. Is asking, expecting, and being responsible love? Strictly speaking, that's not love, it's total fear.
What should we do with education? Minimize its significance. No one needs education, they need to educate themselves.
06
Don't take your child as a "hostage"
Because parents are afraid, in the treatment of their children's education, they unconsciously and inevitably regard their children as "hostages" of their sense of self-security.
You have to be good and good, otherwise I'm not safe; you have to be capable, otherwise how can I be at ease? Lo and behold, parents are turning their children into threats to their inner safety.
When a child is a "hostage" in a family, guess what, can the child receive a truly benign education? The child becomes a wave on the inner river of fear of the whole society or the family, and he certainly cannot obtain what is really needed in life.
When you are afraid, he can feel the fear, even if he is small; when you relax or be confident, he can feel it. The child is a sensitive receiver who is reflecting your voice and information.
A good parent should put the focus of education from educating children to educating themselves. For enlightened parents, educating their children is just an excuse, and self-education is the truth. When you educate yourself well, the child is just a reflection of the good you, he will naturally become better.
In your children's education, have you ever taken your children as your "hostages"? Check yourself out. Examining your inner fears is the beginning of your real desire to educate good children.
Education is, in a sense, a healing of the fear and foolishness of the human heart, to understand education on a deeper level.
07
What is true love?
We often say that a mother's love for her child is complete, 100 percent, really? When a person still has fear in his heart, his love for another person cannot be 100% 100%.
What is true love? It's not that you can give him your life, or that you can satisfy or give anything he wants. True love has nothing to do with it.
True love is a kind of inaction.
It has no demands, it has no shadow of fear in it, it does not hide any attempt to control. It gives the energy of nature like the sun gives light and heat to all things. You don't expect him, you don't ask him to be different from who he is, you don't try to reform or correct him.
True love is completely unconditional.
You love him no matter what, you love him no matter what, and your love has nothing to do with him. This is true love. This love is like God's attitude toward all things, giving to you but not demanding or expecting from you, and He does nothing for you.
If this criterion is called the criterion of true love, then check whether your love for your child is true love. You expect him to learn well, you expect him to be a good child, but do you know how much pressure your expectations have secretly brought him? The more you expect him to be good, the more you develop your own pressure.
Is this good for children's growth? We have no expectations of our little child, how he we all love him; we do our best but do not ask him. This is the love of truly enlightened parents.
An education that does not have expectations for children is no worse than an education that has more so-called good expectations for children. Think about it, do you think so? When it comes to treating children, rethink your love, is that real love?
08
Is there a paternity relationship?
In contemporary early childhood education, we put a lot of emphasis on parent-child relationship, but is there a so-called parent-child relationship?
In fact, in the whole existence of life, there is no relationship between you and others. The essence of all relationships is a projection of your relationship with yourself. Your relationship with your thoughts is the matrix of your relationship with the whole world. All your external relationships are projections of that relationship.
Therefore, strictly speaking, just as there is no other interpersonal relationship, there is no paternity; for for a specific you, there is no external child, only an inner child.
Your attitude toward your inner child is your relationship with your outer child.
If your relationship with your child is messy, how to deal with your relationship with him? Deal with your relationship with your inner child – your relationship with your beliefs. Do you understand the main point? The relationship problems between parents and children that arise in the family are the outward projections of each person's problems with himself.
If you have a relationship disorder with your child, to solve it, go deep inside you and discover your relationship with your thoughts. Understanding your thoughts will mediate your relationship with them. Notice this, this is the fundamental point of solving relationships.
09
To solve your child's problem, solve your problem first
In education, to solve the problems of children, first solve your problems. This is to solve the problem at the root. Without a problematic parent, there is not a problematic child.
A child is only a flower on the tree of the family and society, which blossoms the advantages of the family or society, and at the same time it opens up the hidden problems of the whole family or society. If there is something wrong with a long flower, we usually have to go deep into the roots to heal it, not just stay in the flower itself.
In the same way, if a child has a problem, where can we go to help him? Clearly, family and society are the root causes.
The original universe was problematic, it was a problem-free universe. If you find a problem in the universe, the problem must be "mental" – and it can only be your own mind.
If you don't project problems to the universe, how can the universe give rise to its own problems? If you are in a world of problems, then look inward and explore your mind. The problem must have been there, it was the projector that was wrong.
The mind is a projector, and if you see a problem on the picture of life, then take a look at your projector.
If you find a problem with your child's education, solve it in the same way: look at your own projector first, and then check someone else's projector. This is the effective way to solve the problem.
10
Educating children is introspection
When we dig deeper into life's problems, we will find that when you are fine, the problems of the whole world are over. If I still find that the world is problematic, it must be that I still have a problem.
When I cannot accept the world one hundred percent, it means that my mind has not yet achieved its own perfection. Seeing the world as perfect is only a result of witnessing one's own inner perfection.
If I have anxiety, worry, or demand in the issue of children, it must mean that I still have fear, narrow opinion, self-righteousness, and ignorance in my heart.
When I'm not resting on awareness, I have a lot of problems. When I have a lot of problems, I must be rolling over my thoughts. For one reason or another, as long as I am still in pain, anxiety, or worry, I must not see through the illusion of life, I do not see the truth of existence.
Education is a kind of self-awakening, a kind of human self-awakening, a kind of self-awakening of yours. On the way to the fulfillment of one's own life, the child and his education are a bridge. Stepping on this bridge, you are back on your own.
The child is your projection, and education is your means of projection. In achieving the perfection of the child, you will complete yourself.
In the same way, in the process of consummating yourself, your children will be perfected. The outer world is the result of the inner world, which gives the outer world its beautiful energy.
By having a child and educating him, work on yourself to achieve the consummation of the whole existence.
Education is a way to wake up, to persuade your child outwardly, to persuade yourself inward.
[Article source: Tencent Culture, copyright belongs to the original author and original source.] 】