Parents first let go of their own values and needs

"Spending" Parent Academy Shares:

Nonviolent Communication.

"Since I was a child, I have learned to express myself in seemingly objective language.

Once you meet someone you don't like or don't understand, you think about what's wrong with others?

If the teacher assigns homework that I don't want to do, then he's 'going too far'.

If someone drives in front of me, he's an 'asshole'.

Similarly, if I don't meet my expectations, I feel that something is wrong with me.

I am preoccupied with analyzing and determining the nature of my mistakes, while ignoring the needs of myself and others.

Therefore, if the girlfriend wants to be more considerate, then she is 'too clingy'. But if I want to be more considerate, she's 'as cold as a piece of wood.'"

If a colleague is more concerned with details, he is 'obsessive-compulsive'. Conversely, if I care more about the details, he is 'careless'.

I believe that comments such as these implicitly imply our values and needs.

Unfortunately, making claims in such a way is likely to attract hostility and make it more difficult for our wishes to be satisfied.

Even when they accept criticism and make concessions, they are usually not willing.

If they pander to us out of fear or guilt, sooner or later, we will find that the other person is no longer so friendly.

Of course, they also paid the price. Succumbing to external or internal pressures is likely to make them resentful and disgusted with themselves. ”

I think most of us always live a rough life, treating emotions or feelings as pretense, weakness, and waste of time. Subconsciously unaccustomed and afraid to face it.

I think of my daughter when she was a child, she was wronged, and she wanted to cry but did not dare to cry, because her parents were watching from the sidelines, "If you continue to cry, you will incur new punishment." ”

Even adults, how many people will stop, slow down, and quietly ask themselves, "What is my current mood?" Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I angry? Am I angry? Why? What currently triggers what feelings trigger unpleasant memories of childhood and therefore double your pain? ”

We are better at avoiding, avoiding, shifting our attention by being doubly busy, or drinking, playing cards, etc., consciously or unconsciously cutting off emotional connections, numbing ourselves, and protecting ourselves from emotional aggression and harm.

We demand this of ourselves, and we demand the same from our children.

When the child tells us that the study pressure is high, the relationship with the classmates is not good, and the teacher criticizes, so the ideological burden is heavy, the mental pressure is high, and therefore can not concentrate on listening to the lecture. Parents are often very irritable and helpless at the first time, and will simply and rudely ask their children not to think so much, concentrate on studying first, and enter the university, and then they can leave this environment that makes them stressful.

Yes, it feels good to do a good job. The child can't stand a day, how can he survive those long years? To solve things, we must first solve emotional problems and ideological problems.

"Even when they accept criticism and make concessions, they are usually not willing.

If they pander to us out of fear or guilt, sooner or later, we will find that the other person is no longer so friendly.

Of course, they also paid the price. Succumbing to external or internal pressures is likely to make them resentful and disgusted with themselves. This passage vividly describes the relationship between most of our parents and children.

In the past, when my daughter played games, she couldn't get to the dinner table on time when she ate, because she had to respect her teammates and finish the current game.

At that time, I was very incomprehensible, very angry, chattering, nagging, blaming.

Later, out of altruism, my daughter used both soft and hard to do a good job in parent-child relations, forcing me to learn to play games and learn to team up with her. I finally learned it and enjoyed it.

The daughter told the counselor that when her mother focused on playing games, it was the most relaxed and happy time for her, because her mother was relaxed and happy, she would not pay attention to her, would not accuse her, would not control her, and would humbly and gently ask her for advice. Because of this, there is a lot of laughter and laughter in the family. Of course, being late for dinner is also allowed. Because the mother herself will often nervously shout: "Don't bother the old woman, the old woman is in danger of life." I'm a warrior, not your mom! ”

The daughter also expressed her concern several times, what if the mother is tired of playing games? Instead? The daughter's strong psychological need is to keep herself safe, not to be nagged and preachy, not to be transmitted stress and anxiety, not to be controlled and persecuted.

So, after too many failures, my requirements for myself are "smile, shut up, let go, live well, and love my children unconditionally."

I have begun to learn to be aware, to let go of judgment, to let go of my own values and needs. Because the times are moving forward rapidly, I really don't have the confidence to use the life experience of the past few decades to guide my children's lives in the next few decades. I willingly choose humility and curiosity.

And learn to ask yourself, is this my own need, or is it the need of my children? Take responsibility for your own needs, not through your children.

Therefore, the rest of my life is dedicated to loving myself, living myself well, and illuminating my children. Believing that life is instinctively born to the sun, the beloved child has the courage to go forward, never wander, he only needs to listen to his own inner voice to choose, it must be the best path.