In the book "The Courage to Be Hated", it is written: "All man's troubles come from human relations!" ”
Deeply. Isn't it the most comfortable state when one is at home alone?
In contrast, all human happiness also comes from relationships!
Marxist philosophy tells us that the essence of man is the sum of social relations in perceptual practice.
We have achieved ourselves in a relationship.
After the age of thirty, I realized: I want to be happy, and in relationships, I must try to get rid of this word.
The word is "I."
01 All the activities of people are inseparable from the existence of "I"
Let's do a thought experiment, in fact, we can add all the sentences to the word "I". For example, "a stone on the ground" is actually "I saw a stone on the ground." Or "I thought of a stone on the ground." ”
What is the reason for this?
One is that we must rely on our senses to accept sensual things, and to put it bluntly, we see with our own eyes, we hear with our own ears, we smell with our noses, we taste them with our tongues, we feel them with our own skin. Yes, we cannot leave our sense organs to gain an understanding of the world.
Second, when we think rationally, we must also have a thinking subject. The modern philosopher Descartes had a famous proposition called "I think, therefore I am."
What does that mean?
Descartes began with a general suspicion that nothing in the world was real.
Is the world we feel real? Not necessarily, right? With the same temperature of water, we will feel warm when we put our cold hands in it, and we will feel cold when we put warm hands in it. Feelings are subjective and unstable. If a blind person touches an elephant and does not see the whole, which of us is not "blind"?
Is the knowledge in that book credible? The ancients have long said, "It is better to believe in books than to have no books." Does even "God" have to be true? Descartes said, not necessarily, what if there was a cunning elf hiding in our heads to deceive us that we had "God."
Thinking about it, Descartes realized, eh, what am I doing? I was doubting the veracity of other things. So, when I suspect something else, am I doubting the action itself?
This cannot be doubted! Doubt is a kind of thinking, so he said," "I think, therefore I am", that is, thinking is not the thinking of others, it is my thinking, and thinking itself connotates the existence of "me"!
Therefore, all our activities are actually emitted by the "me" as the subject.
So, someone said, isn't that? Why?
02 Because, many times, we just spontaneously engage in "I" activities without being conscious
In other words, I obviously start from myself, but I haven't realized this yet, and I still feel that others should be like myself!
Eh, have you ever met such a person who claims to be "I am straight-talking, don't put your heart on it!" ”
One of my great uncles is, what to think of and say. Once, one of his guests lamented, "This man, it has been repeated day after day, just like a clock repeating itself in a circle." ”
The uncle immediately said, "Yes! When you die all of a sudden, it's like this 'shit' and it stops. Accompanied by his hearty laughter, "Hahaha...".
Another time, a grandmother in her seventies came home from work and happened to meet her uncle. The uncle said, "What are you doing?" ”
The grandmother said, "While your health is fine, go to work!" ”
The uncle immediately said: "Yes, it is a day to be able to do it, and it can't be done for too long!" Coupled with the heartless laughter of the great uncle, "Hahaha...".
These things sounded funny, but the people who heard these words at that time were afraid that they would also "snort" in their hearts.
We often say that some people speak straight and can't speak, for what reason?
It is only by relying on the feelings of "I" to express the emotions of "me", and not to feel others, but he himself does not realize this, and often feels that "I am just joking, I am obviously very happy, why are you angry?" ”
It's not blunt, it's selfish.
As director Dzongsar Rinpoche said: "Most of the time, the so-called straight-talking heart is just unwilling to think about the other person's feelings. ”
Moreover, this spontaneous, worse manifestation is to regard the world as absolute truth as it is.
There is a story in "Zhuangzi" called "Seven Tricks Open and Chaos Dies." ”
It is said that there is a god in the center of the world, the Emperor of the Center, called Chaos, and like this name, Chaos has no clear distinction, no sensory organs. And the two gods of the north and the south, called "Qi" and "Ku", often meet in the center, see chaos has no seven tricks, feel very pitiful, and help him chisel it, and as a result, just chiseled, chaos died.
Does such a thing only happen in Zhuangzi?
No, it's all around.
My classmate Xiao Zi has always wanted to study literature, but when he was divided into subjects in high school, his mother said, "Choose theory, science can choose more majors when the time comes!" As a result, although he had taken a liberal arts class, he was found by his mother and forcibly changed to science.
Finally, after surviving the college entrance examination, Xiao Zi only wanted to study Chinese language and literature. But I can imagine that Xiao Zi's mother secretly wrote down his login password and changed his profession to finance!
When Xiao Zi received the admission notice, he suddenly fainted, "I really hate my mother" In the end, Xiao Zi studied for interprofessional studies and finally learned the literature major he dreamed of. And their mother-child relationship? Long estranged.
In fact, the world that each of us sees is limited by our own positions, our own experiences, and our own visions, and those who have seven tricks cannot imagine what a chaotic life is like, and think that the happiness I think is imposed on others.
However, we are not aware of our limitations, and we think that the world we see is absolutely real. Then, to define the happiness of others in this way, how can this form a good relationship?
03 From spontaneous to conscious, from "I" to "we"
We all know to think in empathy, but in reality, empathy is not so easy. Even if we try very hard to imagine that we are on the side of others, it is difficult to have the same experience and perspective as others.
So what to do?
Quite simply, it is enough to realize that my activity is only "my" activity, that is, a kind of self-awareness.
Then you will understand that others are also a "me" and everyone is a "me". You can talk about your feelings, but you can't hurt others, and you can't impose your feelings on others, and you are always willing to respect the emotional changes of others.
You can be honest about what you say, but don't force others to agree with you. To put it bluntly, do not seek empathy, but seek mutual harmony. In this way, "I" becomes "we."
Interpersonal relationships will naturally go smoothly, and happiness will naturally come.