This spring orchid grass, the next spring to spit out the fang
Sorrow is humane, and a thank you is forever gone
During the Qingming Dynasty, I miss my deceased relatives even more
Once, they selflessly gave us warmth
It also allows us to be fearless and dependent
Where there is a home, there is a place for people to return
With family, we have the happiness of loving and being loved
But the other sad reality is
The vast majority of us experience the death of a loved one
Between 50 and 55 million people die worldwide each year
Whenever there is a person who dies
There could be 5 people who lost loved ones
Every official
Probably all have experienced "bereavement"
The departure of an elder, partner or child
It will bring great blows and pain
How to face loss and grief?
How to comfort and support
A friend or colleague who has experienced "bereavement"?
The following two are from
The First Affiliated Hospital of Zhejiang University School of Medicine
The Story of the Mental Health Department
Share tips for everyone and soothe your wounds
After the relatives left, they could not walk out of sorrow
In February last year, the daughter of Ning Ning (pseudonym), a native of Hangzhou who was in the sixth grade of elementary school, suddenly jumped off a building in the afternoon.
Listening to the noisy clamor downstairs, looking at the empty bedroom and the open windows, she never believed it was true.
Yeah, how is that possible? What a cheerful and smiling child, obviously said that after writing homework, go shopping and watch movies together, even movie tickets have been booked, how can you jump off the building?! She never believed it, until she stumbled downstairs with her husband, saw her daughter who had fallen to the ground and was dying, sent to the hospital for rescue, rescue was ineffective, death notice, cremation, burial... These plots are constantly flashing back in the mind, but some plots are like amnesia, and I can't recall them or remember them clearly.
It wasn't until she saw the portrait hanging on the wall that the matter of her daughter's departure became real and clear, and the last fluke she had seized on was completely denied.
More than half a year has passed, in the psychological counseling clinic of Hu Jianbo, deputy director of the Mental Health Department of the First Hospital of Zhejiang University, Ning Ning, who was treated for the first time and could not come out, still could not let go:
She said, "How can this be? How is that possible? Obviously said to watch the movie together, this is too outrageous! ”
She said: "I just criticized her twice, let her finish her homework first and then play, she can't stand it?" ”
She said, "They all blame me, if I don't force her to do her homework, it will be fine!" If only I hadn't locked the bedroom door and left her alone! ”
She also said, "I killed her!" But I gave birth to her at that time, and it hurt for a day and a night, how could she bear to leave me like this? Why should I have children? ”
Last year, 47-year-old Sister Zhou (pseudonym) lost her father who loved her the most, "In our family, my father is the pillar of the family, my brother is not married, my mother is old, my daughter is studying for college to find a job, how can I support this family?" After her father left, Sister Zhou, who had always been shrewd and capable, really faced death. From time to time, she felt tight and angry, worried that she was suddenly "gone" like her father, and hung up her expert number in the hospital 47 times in less than a year, very anxious about her health.
In the psychological counseling clinic of the Mental Health Department of the First Hospital of Zhejiang University, hundreds of unfortunate patients like Ning Ning and Zhou Jie who have lost their loved ones and cannot accept the reality are received every year, and half a year or even a year has passed, they have not been able to get out of the pain of bereavement, how to help them "digest" the pain of the death of their relatives?
After the loss of a loved one, there are four stages of grief
Ning Ning was brought to psychological counseling by her husband, and the father who lost his daughter told Hu Jianbo that he had a hard time slowly emerging from the quagmire of losing his daughter, and when he had a fairly good day, he thought that he was about to see the light of day again, but his wife was often still struggling on the verge of suffocation. Sadness, sadness... The black hole of negative emotions once again devoured him, leaving him helpless, resentful and extremely sorry.
"In your world, there is a mother, a brother, a husband and a daughter, but you are missing!" Can't help but worry about whether you will get sick, in fact, because you have lost your father's love, you can't get out of grief. When the intelligent Sister Zhou heard Hu Jianbo say these words, she burst into tears.
"Grief can make our emotions capricious and unpredictable. Under the impact of the death of a loved one, the common state in the mind of the bereaved is that all kinds of contradictory thoughts rush around, and you must allow them to express, do not evaluate and judge. Hu Jianbo said that when the relatives leave, the inner emotions of the bereaved are like a roller coaster, constantly fluctuating and fluctuating, and usually the emotions will go through four stages:
01
Impact phase (numbness phase)
Usually occurs within hours and days of losing a loved one, it is manifested as the whole person "staying", not believing that things are true, guarding the deceased's belongings, feeling that the deceased is not gone, and even hallucinations and delusional symptoms.
02
Self-blame period
At the end of the huge shock, they fall into extreme longing for the deceased, often accompanied by complex emotions and emotions such as regret, guilt, self-blame, regret, etc., they will choose to find reasons and problems from themselves, and experience "if... Just fine" torture.
The daughter is gone, Ning Ning has been rummaging through the daughter's diary, the page of network browsing, weChat chat history, want to find out the clues of the reason for the daughter's life, she will wonder if it is bullying on campus or the pressure of learning, if she is more careful, timely enlightenment of the daughter will be fine?
The daughter was supposed to go to the movies with her, and if she wasn't so strict and required her to complete her homework, wouldn't the daughter have been lucky enough to stay alive? She always felt that there was a certain point in time, and if she said something different and did something different, it would fundamentally reverse the outcome.
03
Period of depression
Accepting the fact that relatives are gone, falling into loneliness, being lost and confused, sometimes causes sad reactions in the body and mind, such as chest tightness and shortness of breath, insomnia and anxiety, depression, irritability, tea and dinner, sleeplessness, and sometimes it may be very angry. When her daughter is gone, Ning Ning believes that her life has no meaning from now on, not only is she self-pitying and increasingly depressed, but she also does not want to see people, and often indulges in beautiful memories of the past.
04
convalescence
According to experts, in the face of the death of a loved one, everyone needs to go through a process of grief, that is, a period of grief. Some people may be able to come out of the pain of the death of a loved one within 3 to 6 months, and some people may not be able to really come out after a year. Under normal circumstances, if you are deeply depressed for more than 6 months, it is difficult to get out on your own, you can turn to professional psychological counseling and do professional healing, because psychological counseling is the most efficient and rapid way for people to face and deal with loss and grief, and get out of grief and powerlessness.
Get out of the haze, experts suggest
After seven or eight psychological consultations, Sister Zhou found a way to live a good life and relax herself - handed over the company to her husband and brother, signed up for a yoga class, and no longer worried about her daughter's employment and marriage, etc. She chose to completely relax herself and slowly walk out of grief.
After more than a dozen times of psychological treatment, Ning Ning's condition improved significantly. Ning Ning followed the advice of the psychological counselor, not only often wrote to her departed daughter who had nowhere to say her thoughts, but also recalled her daughter's dream of becoming a cartoonist in the chat with the counselor, and used practical actions to complete her daughter's unfinished dream - without any painting foundation, she signed up for a comic study class, picked up a paintbrush, and mourned by creating cute cartoon cartoons, and she also sponsored a child in the western region who loved to draw and strive to get out of the haze of the past.
Hu Jianbo introduced that in the traditional Funeral Rites of China, there will be the custom of "doing seven", and the Chinese people from "the first seven" to "seven seven" through a series of ritualistic processes such as vigil, worship, and flower offering, to dissolve their own pain and find an outlet for sad emotions. Qingming Festival, we sweep the grave to mourn the dead, mourning can help us understand the thickness of life, know that our life is not only happy and happy, there are many places worth thinking about, there are many things worth facing and experiencing, but also further realize the limitation of life, when strolling the road of life, not only accept pain, regain inner hope, but also stimulate the power of upward goodness.
How can you comfort and support a colleague or friend who is experiencing "bereavement" around you? You can choose to do this:
(1) Do not hesitate to contact as soon as possible. If the distance is not a problem, it should be present, and if there is nothing wrong, the bereaved person can be visited immediately. Bereaveds are in strong need of comfort, but the closest family members may be overwhelmed by their own grief, as long as they are genuinely caring and willing to help others, they are present as much as possible. But respect their will and rhythm and help as much as you can.
(2) Quiet companionship is worth a thousand words. "Mourning and changing" "will pass" This kind of comfort is pale and weak, just listen to the TA quietly, maybe the other party will just talk about some irrelevant things, such as what the parents are short and eat, in any case, you don't have to deliberately divert the topic, don't interrupt him, follow the meaning of the TA, nod Hmmm, occasionally repeat the other party's words, meet the right time, encourage the other party to say their feelings. Talk about legacy, help, solutions, things too early. They are still in a period of numbness, unable to accept death, and discussing follow-up options is forcing them to face the death of their loved ones.
(3) Do some auxiliary comforting movements. For example, when he cries, he pats his back or arm, his voice is hoarse and he hands over a cup of warm boiled water, his eyes are swollen and he is handed a hot towel, etc., if their sadness makes you feel tearful, do not suppress yourself, you can cry with them.
(iv) Don't make polite remarks to them. Because that will make the mourning people feel that they are not understood, but they feel even more lonely.
Please don't say: time will heal everything; look at the opening point, people can't be resurrected from the dead; God will never let us bear it; mourning, everything will be fine; if there is anything I can help, please say wait.
You can say it in other words: you must feel very sad and feel that you can't get out; the person you love has been liberated, but I know that you are in great pain; you are so sad that you are going to die, please cry as much as you want, it doesn't matter; I am so worried about you, I really dare not imagine how you feel now; can I do anything for you, please tell me.
Carl Menninger once said that the main purpose of our lives is to resolve the misfortunes of the world. If he is willing to speak, you listen, and if he asks you to accompany him, you go. If he doesn't want to open his mouth, or doesn't have much will to ask you to come to the door, then don't force others to be difficult. If you have other arrangements, don't feel guilty about it, and be honest about your abilities, such as "I'll come at two o'clock in the afternoon" "I'll be busy XX first, call you at eight o'clock in the evening, let's nag.".
In particular, it is important to have sensitive empathy and not to laugh out loud and show off how good and fulfilling your loved ones are at this time, which may be the intimate relationship that he has just lost.
How to get out of the haze of bereavement through self-regulation? Expert advice:
Allow yourself to feel the emotions of pain. You don't have to suppress your emotions, you don't have to deliberately pretend to be strong, allow yourself to be sad and painful, don't forcibly restrain pain, and dare to express and release the feelings squeezed inside.
Accepting the death of a loved one is a real thing. It will take time and patience, but it is also the most important step to realize that everything that is happening is real. Find the positive meaning of life from the pain of bereavement and achieve psychological sublimation.
Actively seek social support. Bravely face the fact that relatives are gone, avoid closing yourself, and actively seek and link other love and warmth, such as finding friends to talk to, seeking company from others, traveling, and letting yourself rest for a while.
Another way of "offering sacrifice" promotes emotional healing. By writing letters to TA in another world, talking to the grave, or carefully caring for the favorite pets and plants of relatives, completing their unfinished careers and ideals, etc., they not only open their own new lives, but also find a way to keep in touch with the deceased.
In addition, self-help emotion regulation techniques are used. Experts also recommend that people use "safe" technology, "body scanning" technology and other self-relaxation training, "butterfly shooting" technology to enhance their sense of security and confidence. (Click on the brown dash font to enter the learning of self-psychological debugging)
Department of Mental Health, First Hospital of Zhejiang University
Hu Jianbo
Professional position:
Deputy chief technician of the Department of Mental Health of the First Hospital of Zhejiang University, and head of the sub-specialty of psychological assessment and treatment
Deputy Director of the Teaching Department of the First College of Zhejiang University
Registered psychotherapist of the Ministry of Health, national second-level psychological counselor
Expertise:
Interpersonal psychotherapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy for emotional problems such as anxiety, depression, and insomnia; maladaptive behavioral interventions such as anorexia, self-injury/suicide, parent-child relationship and marital relationship counseling, etc.
Expert outpatient table of the First Hospital of Zhejiang University
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