Author | Curator of the Life Q&A Museum
Edit | Creek clouds
Image source | Movie "Bouquet of Love"
- START -
The curator's good roommate Jill watched a movie the day before yesterday and came running to ask with tears in his eyes:
Will a 100% compatible lover also break up?
The curator was shocked: Jill, have you found the right job?
Under her strong amway, the curator went to see the work that is said to have won the box office of the Japanese live-action love movie in mainland China, "Bouquet of Love".
The story is very simple, telling the love story of the two people in four years, played by Sugata Shoko, the male protagonist Yama no Mai, and the heroine Yatsuya Juan, played by Jun Arimura.
There was no derailment, no tearing, only two hearts moving from close together to separated.
However, this uncomplicated work made the curator's eyes light up.
Because it is very vivid, meticulous and excellent, it answers 3 questions that today's anxious young people are particularly concerned about:
1) In the emotional world, what is the "soul mate" and "fit" that we crave?
2) Why do lovers with high fit break up?
3) In the face of a breakup, what is the most beautiful gesture?
Some spoilers are involved below, but friends, it's worth watching!
01.
Blossoms
The Love of Naxos
Yamain Mai and Yatsuya Juan met on a night when they missed the last train.
After three dinner appointments, they became lovers.
In fact, on the night of the first meeting, they had already fallen in love with each other at first sight.
In recent years, it has been a very popular saying: love at first sight, mostly at first sight.
After all, whether it is art or reality, in those love at first sight stories, at least one person is wearing a good skin bag.
It seems that the four words "love at first sight" are born for "high-quality human beings".
It also comes with labels of "unreliable", "impulsive", and "short".
However, the love at first sight between Shan Yin Mai and Yagu Juan not only did not quickly break down after the exchange, but it was like finding their own left and right hands, snuggling up with each other, falling in love with each other, and having a common topic that could not be discussed endlessly.
The secret lies in the "consistency" between them.
In the chat of their first acquaintance, they found that they liked the same author, knew the same director, read the same books, wore the same shoes, carried the same notebooks, and liked to bookmark movie ticket stubs; even when they finally confessed, they chose the same way.
It was like meeting another self in the world.
Don't underestimate these commonalities, to a certain extent, these consistencies are the "soul mate" and "fit" we crave emotionally.
The curator asked the little sisters around him and found that everyone's requirements for this part were far better than external conditions such as wealth.
So why are common topics and hobbies so important to people in love?
Opening the small book, the curator found that Maslow, the god of psychology, in his famous hierarchy of needs theory, put forward such a view: compared with feelings of self-realization and respect, security is a more basic need of people.
The consistency in interpersonal communication will not only bring a sense of identity to each other, but also send a signal of acceptance and appreciation to each other because of this recognition, so that each other can experience a strong sense of security and respect in the relationship, which naturally helps to deepen the feelings.
After all, there is nothing more precious when it comes to discussing pure emotions than "knowing."
02.
Bloom
Roses always have thorns
Shan Yin Mai and Yagu Juan are so sweet.
After a few months together, the like-minded people began to live together.
They have a similar aesthetic in watching movies and reading, going to the beach and visiting bakeries together.
More importantly, they not only share the blessings, but also the sufferings.
When Xiaojuan was repeatedly frustrated in her job search after graduation, Wheat rushed to the light rail station in house clothes, just to comfort her lover;
When wheat from the countryside was instilled by Xiaojuan's advertiser parents to successfully learn chicken soup, Xiaojuan also carefully cared for her boyfriend's self-esteem.
They treat each other with heart and heart.
And this is also the most puzzling part of Jill:
Similar and in love, why do even two people like this gradually drift apart?
The curator is also curious, so he pays extra attention when the story turns.
The change seems to have happened when Shan Yinmai gave up his dream of being an illustrator and started as a 996 worker.
In order to earn more money, Shan Yin Mai sacrificed his time.
He works at the company during the day and participates in various company activities at night.
In the face of Xiao Juan's suggestion that the two of them watch the performance together, Wheat, who was tired of life, refused again.
Xiaojuan believes that two people need a certain amount of "space for two", and Mai believes that at this stage, it is most important to work hard to integrate into society and make good money for two people.
It seems that both people are working hard to maintain the relationship, but the problem lies precisely here.
In the face of inevitable differences, they have simply avoided conflict and have not negotiated a common settlement mechanism.
When the two had friction over how to arrange the time, although they did not continue to argue and let the contradiction escalate, they did not discuss how to solve the current problem.
Wheat allowed himself to continue to work hard in the workplace, and there was no time to "dance" with Xiaojuan;
Xiaojuan allowed herself to immerse herself in the art world without trying to build a bridge between her hobby and her boyfriend's work.
When the trajectories of two people's lives no longer intersect, the fit becomes a romance on paper, rather than settling in the reality of life.
Looking at the two people who did not communicate clearly and made up for the maintenance of the common goal of the two people, when they felt sad about the gradual disappearance of their feelings in the middle of the night, even the curator couldn't help but scratch his heart——
Even before the breakup, Wheat said something like this to Xiao Juan:
"Aren't all married couples in this world like this?" Will slowly forget the feeling of being in love. Aren't there also people who continue to live like this after getting married? Even if the feelings change, unhappy things, just turn a blind eye and continue to live a life, there is such a person, it is impossible to always like it as before. If you want to pursue this kind of thing, you can't be happy. Will you keep arguing, isn't it also because of the feeling of being in love that you are making trouble? ”
It seems that Wheat is talking about "if you want to enter marriage, we can't measure the passion in love".
But in fact, the words "turn a blind eye" and "continue to live a life" reflect the key to the breakdown of the intimate relationship between the two.
It is also the fundamental reason why "it is difficult for a suitable couple to resist the consumption of reality"——
"Seeking common ground" is precious, but "reserving differences" is equally important.
03.
Die
Dare to be the person of the other person's past
From college students to social people, in 4 years, Shanyin Mai and Yagu Juan eventually drifted apart, and love went to the end of the play.
But I came to the place where the curator thought that the whole story was the most wonderful:
After attending a friend's wedding, the two come to the restaurant where they first met, reminisce about the past, and determine the final breakup;
They hugged each other in tears and officially brought the relationship to a close.
The wonderful thing is that no matter how many regrets there are, the breakup of the two is always full of respect and blessings.
After the breakup, because they did not find a suitable house for the time being, the two continued to live together for 3 months.
There was no quarrel, no entanglement, and they watched movies and read books together, as usual.
On the afternoon of the move, the sun was as bright as it had been when the room was first cleaned up.
The breakup of the two can be described as truly elegant and decent.
The topic of how to "break up decently" is enduring precisely because we have met too many people who have "turned against each other" after a breakup;
No matter how sweet and happy the past is, once they break up, love for each other becomes mutual exploitation, and even various acts of "tearing each other up" and denigrating.
Psychologist Kübler Rose, in his 1969 book On Death and Dying, proposed five independent stages of psychological changes in the face of death for terminally ill patients, also known as the "5 stages of grief", namely denial, anger, negotiation, despair, and acceptance.
These five stages are now also being applied to explain the psychological changes of individuals in the face of adversity.
For some people, breaking up is a traumatic act, whether the two still have the ability to continue to build an intimate relationship, once they break up, it seems that the "value of being loved" has been denied.
What followed was a great deal of unwillingness, negative energy, and mutual attack.
How to break up decently and get through the difficult times after the breakup is a big growth topic;
But the curator feels that the protagonist in this work has made a good example for all of us young people chasing love.
When emotions are withering away, the only thing we should do most is -
Respect the flowering period of love.
Respect each other's wishes.