Hello everyone, I'm Cuckoo Mama~
The neighbor's child was sent back to his grandparents' house just after he was weaned. My grandparents opened a small shop and ran a small shop with their babies.
Why don't parents take their children with them and send them back in such a hurry?
Because the child has an older brother on top of him, a year older than him. Although the words are unfavorable, it is the most noisy time. And this also has to be carried at all times, with two small dolls, the child's parents really can't eat, which is to send the small back, the big stay around.
To tell the truth, the age difference between the two children is so small, the most suffering is not the parents, but the children.
The neighbor's mom and dad come back once or twice a year, and the two children are just building a sense of security, no matter which one they throw down, it is painful.
But in order to make a living, mom and dad also have no way, so they have to give up one.
In fact, if the age gap between the neighbors' children is not so small, waiting for the big kindergarten, the small one can also stay with the parents to enjoy the care of the parents.
There are many mothers around me who ask me, between two children, how many years is the best interval?
The "age difference" of children will not only affect the parenting style of parents, but also affect the psychological state and character formation of children. Let's take a look at the secret of the "age difference" of children.
One: the psychological state of children in multi-fetal families
Psychologist Rudolf proposed that the child's observation ability is very strong, the ability to explain is very poor, which is particularly prominent in the order of children.
I am the oldest child in the family, and I have an older sister on top of me. I remember one time my sister and I took chalk to paint on the wall, and I drew a pine tree. Dad came over and praised, you painted really well.
When I heard this, I was overjoyed. When it was my sister's turn to paint, I covered the wall and said, this is my painting, you are not allowed to erase it. My sister is a little angry, you painted amazingly, painted like this, it is good for people to see.
At that time, we didn't understand, but now in retrospect, we understand that between me and my sister, there was a wonderful psychological state - competition.
The same painting, I received my father's attention and praise. Obviously, we both observed this difference and made the same explanation.
I explained this to mean that I won my sister, so Dad praised me. And my sister also explained that she was inferior to me, so she was left out in the cold. So, for the performance that I was not allowed to erase the painting, she verbally fought back — what is so great about your painting.
Although this is only a small thing, between brothers and sisters, in order to win the love and appreciation of their parents, there will indeed be such a mentality: dark comparison, secret competition.
Where there is competition, there must be a win or a loss. No matter how fair the parents are, the child will still misinterpret it, and the parent will favor it.
Two: What will the "less good" children do in the competition?
The book "Positive Discipline" points out that when siblings compete and one child is excellent in some aspect, the other child will make the following choices:
● Abandon this field and excel in other areas
If you have two children in the family, you will find that it is almost impossible for them to do as well in the same field.
For example, the eldest children are good at singing, which is unanimously recognized by everyone. The small one, even if he sings well, will not be his strong point, he is generally good at other areas besides singing, such as good writing, humor, excellent performance, and so on.
This is because two children will find that if they compete in the same field, there will inevitably be a losing side, and the parents will definitely divide the high and low. Instead of that, the other one who is slightly worse will seek something else and do his best, so that he can win.
● Become rebellious and win attention
If a child in the family is recognized as a "good child" in the eyes of everyone - good at learning, sensible, obedient, and excellent. The other child is likely to play the role of a "bad boy": naughty, troublesome, disobedient, rebellious, etc.
This is because rebellious children are discouraged. He felt that the other child was excellent in every way, and he could not compare with him in any way. Then, to get extra attention from parents, you have to be different from that "good child". So, he will show the complete opposite.
● Give up competition and be willing to be mediocre
In addition to becoming rebellious, there are also children who simply give up competition and are willing to become the "green leaves" that set off excellent children. He generally feels that he is very mediocre, does not like to perform, does not explore his own strengths, retreats when he encounters anything, and positions himself as "not excellent".
In fact, no matter which one the child chooses, it is their wrong interpretation of the status quo. They feel that only by competing and winning each other can they win the favor of their parents.
Three: The happiest age difference is this number
After understanding the competitive relationship between multiple children, we look back and see, what kind of "age difference" is the happiest, which can make children not drag when they are young, and do not compete for favors when they are older?
Obviously, two children like my neighbor's family, one year apart, will obviously make parents overwhelmed. The big one is the one who needs to be accompanied, when he plays around, and the small one is waiting to be fed, how to take care of it? Take care of this, and that child will inevitably be lost.
I saw some netizens say that his two children are 15 years apart, and the whole family is spoiled together. Although this is also very good, the big ones do not need to get the attention of their parents all the time, and even want to leave the family and run to their own lives. The younger ones can accept love from most of the family.
However, the age difference is too large, and you also need to consider your mother's body. Parenting at an advanced age is a risk for both mothers and children. Moreover, some children are older and do not want to have a younger brother and sister who is so much younger than themselves.
How big is the "age difference" between children?
The advice given in the book Positive Discipline is that you are 4 years old or older.
Because when two children are 4 years or older apart, there will be less sense of competition between them.
By the time the boss has been in a position for more than 4 years, he has formed many views on life, self-worth, and how to get a sense of belonging.
Moreover, a child over 4 years old, he has certain social needs, and the focus will gradually shift from family to friends and social. He no longer needs to be cared for by his parents like a small baby, but can get the corresponding recognition and sense of value from teachers, friends and other elders.
At this time, parents take two babies, neither drag each other down, and the two children will not "compete for favors" so intensely.
How many years apart are your children?
【Picture from the Internet, invasion and deletion】
About the author: Cuckoo mom, a good observation, thinking, method of the mother. Exchange parenting experience, share psychological knowledge, like to pay attention to it~