When the child's grandmother communicates with the child, the usual way, the tone is "command and urge", for example,
"Sheep and goats, hurry up and pack up the toys"
"Sheep and goats, hurry up and drink water"
"Sheep and sheep, hurry up and go to the bath"
As a result, the child often responds with rebellious answers of "do not go", "do not drink", "do not wash", and even "turn your ears on", taking her words as the wind in your ears.
Then, the grandmother had to start to command the child in a tougher tone, or keep nagging in the child's ear until the child moved.
In the end, it is often the case that both sides make themselves "exhale". In fact, this kind of communication is particularly tangled and exhausting, and often belongs to ineffective communication.
In such a situation, adults often stand on the "commanding heights" and unilaterally "handsome pot" to children, complaining about how children are not obedient here.
Many times, it is not that the child is disobedient, but that the parents do not communicate with him in an appropriate way, resulting in bad results.
Once upon a time, I always put myself in the position of a "supervisor" and a "commander", and liked to order and force children to do things, but the effect was not ideal. For example, I urge my children to draw and write every day, but after each "giving orders", Ai Yang either talks to me about conditions or rubs back and retorts, "Why do you have to force me every time?" ”
Between my children and me, every day in this cycle of ineffective communication, it is really tiring to see that the only remaining parent-child relationship will be consumed.
Use the goal stimulation method to motivate children to develop interests
Until one time, I really had no choice but to decide to communicate with the child in a different way, to have an "anti-guest-oriented" and let the child make his own decisions.
Here's a conversation I had with my 5-year-old daughter, Ai Yang:
Me: Ai Yang, don't you go and paint?
Ai Yang: Why are you forcing me?
Me: I'm not going to force you. I just remind you, didn't you say a few days ago that you were going to learn to draw later? Don't you want to continue to develop your hobbies? Will your future life be more colorful?
Ai Yang: I don't develop interest anymore.
Me: Okay, then. It's up to you. Then you may be as ordinary as your mother in the future, and you have no interest in specialties.
Ai Yang: (She glanced at me who was sitting at her desk with code words) Will you be like you in the future, sitting in the office every day to work?
Me: Yes. I felt that if I had a specialty, maybe my life would be more colorful. There are more possibilities in life. If you don't mind, you can also choose not to develop interests.
Ai Yang: Then I'll go and paint.
Look, thankfully, this time I chose to communicate with her patiently, and instead of pushing her hard, I used another method to remind her to remember the goals she had set, and then used the goals to guide her to take the initiative to do it.
As a result, she took the initiative to go, and the effect was even better.
We usually think that the child is small, many things do not understand, prefer to use short commands and reprimands, let the child obey immediately, just want to fight a quick decision. Who knows that this kind of "inert" thinking, the result is more likely to cause children to resist, so that both sides fall into a parent-child "tug-of-war", the faster you think, the faster you can't.
In fact, patiently stopping, putting the child on an equal footing, explaining the causes and consequences of things to the child well, or motivating her with goals, can stimulate the child's initiative, and the child has the initiative to have an internal drive.
And the internal drive is the basic condition for the child to insist on doing one thing. With the internal drive, children do not need to be reminded by adults, they will take the initiative to do certain things, which is really worrying.
Provide options for children to consciously follow the rules
Communication between adults, in order to achieve better results, we often on the basis of mutual respect for each other, the two sides have a business, let the other party choose how to do, rather than directly tell each other, what you should do.
In fact, the reason for communicating with children is the same. If we are accustomed to using the authority of the parent to direct and command the child, the child will also be very disgusted.
For the matter of "how to set rules for children to watch TV", the communication between me and my children has also gone through a long run-in.
At first, I agreed with my child that I could watch TV from Friday to Sunday for no more than 30 minutes at a time, and the child verbally agreed. But every time she saw 30 minutes, she didn't want to turn it off.
If we force it off, she will cry and make trouble, and let it be delayed every time, even if she is delayed after watching it and then let her turn it off, she is not happy. And monday to friday nights, I still wonder if I can watch TV from time to time. Each time, because of this, an event that was originally a happy thing turned into an event that destroyed the family atmosphere.
After many times, I decided to change the method, every time I turned off the TV on Friday night, if the child did not let it off, to delay, I would throw a question for her to choose, "Give you two choices, one is to watch for 10 minutes, Saturday and Sunday do not watch; second, immediately turn off in time, Saturday and Sunday can continue to watch; these two, you see which one you choose?" ”
When she hears the question, she will stop making a fuss and start to roll her eyes, giving her own choice. After she makes her choice, I'll say, "Okay, then you choose it yourself, don't regret it." ”
She usually chooses to turn it off right away and see it on Saturdays and Sundays because she's more cost-effective.
But if she chooses to watch it for an extra 10 minutes and not watch it on Saturdays and Sundays, I think it's fine, anyway, she chose it, and she can stop crying. This can also exercise her ability to make independent choices and delay satisfaction from an early age, which is really a double eagle.
So, you see, the same thing, in other words, has a very different effect. Parenting, sometimes really need to use a brain, with a scientific way, will bring unexpected results.
Step back at the right time and let the child become the subject of the consequences
For a long time, children ate, always slowly. And that's not all, she's still picky eaters, this doesn't eat that don't eat. During that time, her grandparents were nervous about her, always afraid that she would not have enough to eat, always like to feed her, let her eat more of this, eat more of that, the more so, she will not eat.
It is estimated that she thinks so" Anyway, I don't eat, some people are nervous about me, and some people are feeding, so why don't I slow down."
No matter how we reason with her, no matter how we nag her, she can't change.
Seeing that the child is thinner than other children of the same age, and the height is also middle and lower, I am really anxious, after all, I am a "short" myself, and I don't want my daughter to repeat the same mistakes.
In desperation, I had to try to change a way, I bought a 30-minute hourglass, and then bought a "four-quarter" dinner plate, every time I ate, help the children to put the meals in the divided plate, and then put the hourglass on the table, and then tell her: Eating can only take 30 minutes, that is, when the hourglass of the hourglass is finished, it will end the meal, even if it is not finished, it will be taken away.
Of course, the premise is that our parents also abide by such time regulations.
At first, my daughter didn't think so, but when she saw that the time was up, we would really take it away whether she had finished eating or not, and we wouldn't feed her again.
After she tried a few times, because she didn't eat enough, the rice bowl was taken away by us, it was useless to cry, and she didn't give her another meal or eat other snacks later, and she began to slowly change.
So, you see, throw the responsibility of the child back to him, let him bear the natural consequences himself, and he will slowly learn to be responsible for himself.
In fact, whether it is motivated by goals, or by providing choices, or by using the timing method, the core point is "anti-customer-oriented", allowing children to turn passive into active, and cleverly letting children become the main body that undertakes tasks or consequences.
In layman's terms, everything, the final logic of communicating with the child can become like this, "Then, child, you look at it yourself, you decide for yourself, just like that, retire for the mother and the father."
As a result, perhaps, you are not in a hurry for the child but instead of anxious. With this logic in mind, my conversations with my children in life are generally like this:
Me: Sheep and sheep, is it time to get up and go to school, immediately or five minutes later? Sheep, it's time to brush your teeth, go now or five minutes later? Sheep, it's time to go out, do you want to go immediately or in five minutes?
Ai Yang: I don't.
Me: Okay, then. Let's stop going to school and stay at home; well, let the aphids live in your tooth house, and you won't pour water for you when you beg me; well, let's not go out, just stay at home.
Ai Yang: Well, I'll go get ready right away.
Look, if you throw the responsibility back to your child and make her realize that she has to take responsibility for herself, then she will be more anxious than you.
In summary: It is really important to communicate with children, use more brains, use more skills, know how to quit at the right time, and let children "turn anti-customer-oriented" and "passive into active". The above method, after many times of practice, is very effective. Hopefully, this approach will inspire you as well.
For more exciting content, come and follow AiYang Parenting.