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The greatest despair in life is that the first suffering in life comes from relatives.
Relatives should be the people in the world who are closest to us and understand each other the most, but in real life, many relatives can't even speak well with each other, and it is common to turn against each other. Why is the "phenomenon of severance" getting worse and worse? Is there growing indifference between relatives?
They have no sense of intimacy and belonging to their original family, and some are just endless grudges. It boils down to the mistake of thinking selfishness for love.
In the movie "囧Mom", Xu Yiwan is already a middle-aged man in his forties and fifties, and his mother still has to chase and take care of him, stuffing braised meat into his mouth one by one, participating in every detail of his life, and ignoring whether Xu Yiwan is really willing.
Worried about her son's marital problems, flattering her daughter-in-law, giving birth to her, she desperately does everything she thinks is good for her son.
Many traditionalists may think that she only does this because she loves her children too much, but is this really the case?
Suppose Xu's mother has a very loving and busy job, has to socialize with various scenes every day, and is so busy that she doesn't even have time to watch TV, will she still do this to her son? Not really.
In fact, any unwanted love becomes a burden on the giver, only to satisfy the giver's self, and no one benefits from it except the giver himself.
Mistake selfishness for love
This is the current situation of most of the parents in China, in the process of giving, they feel that they are loving others, and they are very great.
But often the more parents give, the greater the gap between parents and children. Because when parents give extra money to their children, accompanied by deep control and dissatisfaction, they will take it for granted that I have already given so much, and all your actions should meet my requirements.
But the child is not a machine, he has self-awareness, on the one hand, the love given by his parents may not be needed, on the other hand, he also wants to have absolute control over his right to life, rather than being manipulated under the orders of others.
Psychologist Rudolf. Rudolph Drax writes in Children: Challenges: "In a society where everyone is equal, we cannot control and command others. ”
No one wants to be a marionette, and the reason why relatives turn against each other is often that we all self-righteously regard our commands and control over each other as love.
In fact, real love does not make people feel depressed, and those who love under the banner of "for your own good" are essentially command and control, so they will make you uncomfortable.
Any relationship needs to maintain a proper distance, even if it is a blood relative, we need to respect the boundaries of each other's lives.
Whether you are an elder or a junior, if you really love your loved ones, please try to communicate with them and understand who they really are and what they really need.
Lack of a sense of boundaries
Long Yingtai said in "Dear Andrei": "Love is not equal to liking, and love is not equal to knowing." Love, in fact, is a lot of excuses for not liking, not knowing, and not communicating. ”
Love is not the gold medal of wanton indulgence between relatives, between relatives, in the final analysis, it is still the relationship between people and people, only by abiding by the necessary rules, can the water flow for a long time.
Relatives must be clear about which things are their own affairs and make their own decisions; which things are other people's affairs, keep their own boundaries, do not interfere; draw clear standards, let the sense of boundaries be clear, and feelings will produce a positive flow.
Respect, trust, and freedom are the only ways to make love breathe, perpetuate, and grow.
No one's life is supposed to be at the mercy of anyone, and everyone has the right to reject others. Only when we feel respected and seen from our hearts from our loved ones will we really have a sense of intimacy and dependence on each other, otherwise life can only be a long disease.
Contemporary social anxiety is the standard for most people, and parents can easily transfer their anxiety to their children and manipulate their children's lives.
Whether or not children benefit from it, they will have a deep hatred for their parents in their hearts, and this hatred stems from the fact that they feel that the subject of life has been deeply violated, and has nothing to do with objective results.
This is also the reason why the phenomenon of "severing" among contemporary young people is so common.
I read a small poem on the Internet:
I love you
If you insist on going down a path that I once fell to the head and bled,
I'm not going to stop you,
Instead, get you an umbrella, clean clothes, rain boots,
Tell you to go,
Come back home with food.
Deeply believed, the love between relatives is not what I want to give you, I expect you to become, but in your existence, we see each other's existence, so it is beautiful.
There is a bridge section in the TV series "Little Shed" that I still remember vividly, Nanli went to the pantry to pour tea, and a colleague was chatting, she said: "My father said to the child, I gave birth to you because my father thought the world was beautiful, so he also wanted to take you to see." ”
Yes, parents bringing their children into this world is not to aspire to anything from their children, and this kind of parent-child love that extends under the respect of freedom can be called true love.
- The End -
Author | Tommy
The First Psychological Writing Group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
参考资料：Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of personality and social psychology, 115(2), 192-205