The most headache with a child is nothing more than that when the child has emotions, "coaxing, yelling, and cold treatment" is actually not appropriate.
So what to do?
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I'll give you five steps, give you some examples, and go into more detail, so this issue is a bit long.
Step 1: Guide the child's "rational brain"
First of all, let's talk about what is a "rational brain"?
There is a well-known children's behavior experiment "Marshmallow Experiment" abroad, which allows a group of 4-6-year-old children to be alone in a small room and give children a problem:
There are two snacks and a bell in the room, and if you can hold out for 15 minutes without snacking, you can get two snacks.
If you can't help it, just ring the bell and you'll get a snack right away.
The end result found that many children have insufficient self-control and can't hold on to a snack for a while, and only a very few children can use various methods to resist temptation.
Experiments have shown that in the end, these children with strong self-control have better life performance, they are more popular when they grow up, they score better on the college entrance examination, and they are better at dealing with stress.
And self-control is controlled by the "rational brain", which shows how important the child's "rational brain" training is.
The child's emotions will not come up at once.
When you come up with your own emotions and start to blame the child or deal with it coldly, you will ignore the child's feelings, and the child will escalate emotionally and make a big fuss.
Therefore, you must first affirm the child's feelings and needs.
You could say something like this:
"You love this toy and want to take it home right away, don't you?"
"Shall I take a look at it?"
"What's the difference between this car and the car at home?"
"Oh, do you like that its doors can be opened?"
Such a question and answer will not only make the child feel that you care about him, but also guide the child's thinking and mobilize his "rational brain", the most important thing is:
The rational brain is responsible for controlling emotions.
The rational brain is activated, then the child will not make a big fuss, so the point is that parents must first learn to control their temper, and then learn the guiding words, in order to do this.
The second step is to be gentle and firm in adhering to the boundaries.
If you think you can't buy it, then don't buy it.
It is important that you firmly believe in this idea in your heart, otherwise the child will also feel your wavering.
Before rejecting him, you can ask him, do you remember what we said before we came? Today we have no plans to buy toys. Our plan is... Tell your child about the initial plan to go out.
The third step is empathy.
Generally after completing the previous steps, is it not easy to cry? Not absolutely, because according to previous marshmallow experiments, most children have extremely poor self-control, so as parents, we should be aware of this so that we are not too harsh on children.
Only by recognizing this can we achieve empathy.
You could say something like this:
I know you're sad and wish you could buy this toy home, or you definitely want our house to be full of cars.
There's a communication technique here called True Hope, which is an empathetic way of expressing this understanding of the child's desire. At this time, as long as the child does not cry, the child can listen to it.
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After you say these words, the child may still say, then you can buy it for me.
You still need to stick to your principles and tell him you can't.
The fourth step is to seek alternatives.
The use of alternatives can immediately calm the child's emotions.
We can't blindly not allow the child to do anything, but give the child the next choice to make to release emotions.
Like the example in the previous section, when we don't buy toys in the mall, we can tell our children that we can play with you here for a while.
Or take out a pen and paper and say to the child, well, I'll write it down. You love this little car, that's your wish list. When it comes to your birthday, will I send it to you?
Fifth, listen to the cries.
Some parents may feel that they have done enough, but why do children still cry?
That's because children need to use crying to express their emotions, what should parents do at this time?
The best way for parents is to find a place that does not disturb others, accompany the child, and hold the child, so that the child can feel that you understand him and respect him.
However, many parents are rarely able to do this, some parents at this time are instilling big truths in their children, and some parents are accusing and even scolding from the side, which will only make the children cry louder and louder.
Because the child is still young, they can not control their emotions well, but they need to release these emotions, the most direct expression is to cry, parents do not have to do anything at this time, as long as they listen to the side, so that the child can feel that you are empathizing with them.
If the child has been crying and can't stop, it may be because they have other emotional pressures and have not been discharged, so they use one thing, such as not buying toys, to mess with us, in fact, this is also very good, which can help the child to relieve the emotional pressure.
We can pay more attention to the needs of the child, and try to divert the child's attention when they are crying, so that the child's mood can calm down.
There may be many parents who find it troublesome, but what children need is more patience and love from parents.
At last
If you feel exhausted, don't be busy with your children, love yourself first, in order to have the strength to love your children.
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