# 01
Do I want to enroll my child in an after-school tutoring class?
Children make mistakes, how to educate more appropriately?
Should an unreasonable request be met?
......
Since having a baby at home, parents have begun to "tangle", not only tangled in their children's learning, but also entangled in their children's lives:
Just like Lin Miaomiao went to college in the TV series "Young Pi", the mother played by Yan Ni was worried and entangled. Every day, I keep the phone in despair, on the one hand, I hope that my child is independent, and on the other hand, I hope that my child is not so sensible.
Stills from "Young Pi"
This may be the common annoyance of parents:
I hope that the child will study seriously, but I am afraid that the study is too tired and hurt the body; I hope that the child can go out to increase his knowledge, but he is afraid that the child will be bullied outside.
But whenever it comes to children, parents seem to be in contradictions and entanglements.
Why are parents so entangled?
# 02
Chinese culture pays attention to "moderation", and the key to many things lies in mastering the "degree". But this "degree" cannot be seen and touched, and there is no way to measure it.
The same is true for educating children, there is no clear provision, in order to find a balance, grasp the "degree", you can only constantly weigh the pros and cons, hesitate and tangle.
In recent years, I have seen too many parents because their children are anxious about "not being able to eat and sleep at night", to say what are the reasons, first of all, parents are too anxious.
In the case of reading, chicken parents are eager for their children to get results, always with utilitarian purposes to ask their children to read, and only read useful books.
After such screening, the child's vision is framed by "useful books", and there is a lot less space to explore the experience, in fact, reading is reading, you can read a variety of books, rather than judging by effect.
Secondly, in this information age, there are too many successful templates for educating children, and parents are easily immersed in "there will be better choices", feeling that "I can give my children better", "I did this wrong in the past", and repeatedly entangled in self-blame and unwilling emotions.
The most direct consequence of this "looking ahead" mentality is to make us picky:
The child is too obedient, thinks that he has no opinion, the child resists, and thinks that the child is too unruly;
The child is lively and active, worried that the child is ADHD, if the child is quiet and introverted, and worried that the child is autistic;
If the child hits someone, he thinks the child is very domineering, but if he is beaten, he is too cowardly;
The first place said that he was too competitive, did not care about the ranking said that he did not seek progress;
Make friends for fear of learning badly, no friends afraid of loneliness;
Helping others is afraid of loss, and not helping others says that he is selfish;
For parents, if they don't do it, they will regret it; if they do it, they will still regret it, because they feel that the effect is not good enough.
This overly entangled mentality, in the final analysis, is that parents do not fully accept their children, so they always want to do everything they can do the best.
We've been comparing children to other children or to the virtual good kids in our minds, not the kids themselves.
Few parents will say flatly, "I don't ask for my child, he can do anything".
And even if the child is married, the parents will still look at the child with a "better" idea.
# 03
To get along better with their children, parents need to be constantly vigilant about their "picky" mentality.
How do you adjust this state? What should I do?
1. Break the illusion
Some parents brush up on vibrato and online news, and always fall into the idea of "if you don't do it, it will be better", which is actually not conducive to education.
Because no matter how useful the method is, put on your child, it may not be applicable, which is the so-called "different from person to person, the right medicine".
Please abandon the idea of "the child is very good, but I did not teach well" and "the child was so smart when he was a child, and when he is older, he will definitely go to Tsinghua Peking University" and other ideas, to truly look at the advantages and disadvantages of the child.
2. Review the original intention
Instead of struggling, go back to the original starting point: What do you want your child to get out of education? What kind of person do you want him to be?
Some education experts said that parents should build a foundation with their children, help them find what they like, support them to pour out their enthusiasm and burn their lives, which is good education, and such education can almost only rely on the family to provide.
If we go in the direction we are entangled, we may raise a child who is only committed to doing things according to other people's ideas.
3. Genuine acceptance
If parents can accept their children, they may have a lot less trouble. When you start to ask for something, love gradually begins to become impure.
Some parents may wonder, "I obviously accept him and love him, so I hope he has a good life." ”
Parents who study at Xingzhi know that we say that love has no purpose, that is, even if he is not good enough and imperfect, he is still willing to protect him with his heart.
Parents should deliberately practice this ability, when you no longer ask for anything, but as far as possible to support the child to feel a different life, from his point of view to understand things, this is what we call "heartfelt acceptance".
4. Try to look forward
In the process of education, not all problems have time to choose and compare, there are always times to make decisions, long-term and uncertain entanglements, resulting in worse results.
Because the child's life cannot be repeated, and time will not go backwards, the more entangled we are, the more we fall into a state of anxiety and pain.
There is no such thing as "if I were educated this way, there would be better results," but rather "I started doing this to support my child and trust him to make better choices for himself."
In the present and in the future, try to be better.
Therefore, please, who are still repeatedly entangled and critical at this moment, temporarily let go of your uneasiness.
Let's stop and wait for the kid who is trying to grow up