Accepting your child's feelings is really a very rare thing!
First, she stood behind her son with a ruler in her hand
There is a story that a parent in Taiwan is troubled because she feels that her child is not serious about writing homework.
She was in such a situation that whenever the child was doing her homework, the mother held a ruler by her child's side.
When you find that your child has a wrong question in his homework, he will hit his palm with a ruler, or somewhere else.
The mother felt that even with such a harsh educational method, the child's mistakes were still very many, and the relationship between mother and child became estranged and tense.
To solve this problem, she went to a community parent class.
The teacher in the class said, I can help you solve this problem, so the two of them went to the next classroom to be alone. The teacher gave her a manuscript and said, please copy this text.
As she sat and copied, the teacher stood behind her with a whip in her hand.
The teacher just did what the mother would do to her son every day, and stood behind her with a teaching whip full of oppression, letting her feel a feeling that the child would experience every day.
Only in this way can this mother think differently:
If I were him, how would I feel.
In that instant, she burst into tears and suddenly understood what kind of pressure and fear her young son suffered from herself every day.
She hugged the female teacher reproachfully, cried for a long time, and finally understood the child's feelings.
Second, empathize with the child and accept his feelings
"Empathy" is not an innate ability.
Most of us have more or less had experiences of being denied as part of our own upbringing.
In order for children to feel the negation from their parents as little as possible, we need to constantly learn and train our empathy ability, calmly accept the child's feelings, and help the child face his own feelings.
3. 4 Tips for Empathy
1. Listen with all your attention
When a child talks to us, if we are absent-minded, it will make him feel very discouraged and feel, hey, there is nothing to say to him.
The child is out of school and the father is watching TV.
Child: Today Kiki broke my mouth.
Father: Oh, and then what?
Child: I punched him hard in the face. Dad, are you listening to me?
Father: Listen, hear very clearly.
Kid: Forget it, I don't have as much importance as TV.
In the dialogue, the father's eyes did not leave the TELEVISION, and he did not look at his son for a second.
This can disappoint your child.
Or is it the same thing, another way it goes like this:
The child is out of school and a father is watching TV.
The father turned off the television, looked at his son with both eyes, and listened carefully to him.
Child: I punched him in the face, Kiki is so annoying!
Father: (Looking at the son, not speaking, engrossed in listening.) ）
Child: But it's all right, I'll play with him tomorrow.
Children are sensitive, whether we are attentive or not, he can feel it.
If we listen carefully to our child, he can better express his feelings. When it is expressed, his negative energy is released. Even if we don't speak, it's a good kind of empathy for the child.
2. Instead of asking questions or suggestions to your child, respond to their feelings with "oh," "um," and "so on."
After school.
Child: Yang Yang stole my watercolor pen.
Mom: Really? Didn't you really lose it yourself?
Child: It was still on my desk before class.
Mom: It must be confiscated after you use it.
Child: (speechless)...
Mom: How many times have I told you that when you run out, you should put it back in place immediately!
Child: I won't tell you! (Turn around and run)
Mom: This kid, it's so rude!
Faced with the pressure of parents, children are likely to panic. If parents insist on asking questions and making suggestions, they will interrupt their children's thinking. Your child's energy shifts from recalling the process of losing things to coping with your emotions. That way things don't work out.
The child talks to the mother, and the mother looks into the child's eyes.
Mom: Oh?
Mom: Hmm.
Child: If I lose the color pen, I can't draw a scalper.
Mom: Oh.
Child: In the future, I should clean up the color pen in time.
Mom: That's it. (Hugging the child as an affirmation of this solution)
Looking at the child, it is important to make him feel that he is cared for, we do not interrupt the child's train of thought, he can sort out his feelings, but also find effective ways to solve the problem.
3. Say how they feel
Child: The tumbler I made with my own hands shattered.
Father: Don't be sad.
Child: (Start crying quietly)
Father: Don't cry, isn't it just a little handiwork?
Child: (Crying louder and louder)
Father: It's all right, I'll buy you another one, better than you can do it yourself!
Kid: (lying on the ground crying) I just want the tumbler I made!
Father: You have no rules, unreasonable trouble!
The most important thing in the child's heart, the more we deny, the more sad he is.
This is because parents do not accept the inner feeling that "the child loves this item".
The same thing, we put it another way is like this:
Father: Oh, that must have been an accident.
Child: I was going to give it to the teacher.
Father: You're really happy with this tumbler you did.
Child: I've named it all.
Father: You're all going to be friends with tumblers.
Child: It was also colored.
Father: It really took you a lot of thought.
Child: It's okay, next time I'll make a better one.
Our concern is that if we say how bad the child feels, the child will be even more upset. But in fact, on the contrary, the child will feel comforted to hear you say what he thinks. Because you understand him.
4. Fulfill their wishes in a fantasy way
Child: I want a new telescope.
Father: Isn't your one new?
Child: No, I don't like it!
Father: This has only been bought for half a month, and you are too fond of the new and tired of the old!
Child: Bad is bad, I just want a new one!
Father: If you don't buy it, you don't buy it!
Child: (Start crying)
The child will take the parent's explanation as a ruthless rejection of him. The more we explain, the less reluctant he is to listen.
Father: I wish you had a new one in your hand now.
Kid: I want a 10x, that multiplier at home is too low.
Father: You love astronomy, and I wish I could buy you a 100-fold telescope.
Kid: Well, 200 times!
Father: 500 times!
Kids: 1000 times, hahaha! Still don't use it, the one at home is very good.
When we understand how a child feels about wanting the same thing, and understands his desire, he will feel accepted and comforted.
It is really a rare thing for parents to understand and accept their children's feelings!