Hello everyone, I'm Mommy.
A few days ago, actress Sun Li shared her parenting troubles.
The cause was that the son suddenly cried to her one day that he did not want to be a brother, and Sun Li realized the seriousness of the problem, so he deliberately found time to talk to him about it.
Only then did he know that except for his parents, everyone else felt that he should let his sister go, which made him feel very unfair.
In the face of his son's confession, Sun Li firmly told him:
I understand you very well, and you can tell me what grievances you have in the future;
Don't pay special attention to the evaluation of others, you have to believe in yourself and be yourself;
Adults are not necessarily right, and children can explain their own ideas.
With the understanding and recognition of the mother, the child's grievances are swept away, and even take the initiative to apologize for not controlling the emotions.
I have to say that Sun Li really has a set of parenting.
Treat the child as an independent individual, take the child's talk seriously, and understand and respect the child's feelings. More importantly, in daily life, the brother and sister are not allowed to feel unloved or eccentric.
I believe that families with two or multiple children have a deep understanding: many times, it is not an easy task to make both children satisfied.
In the past two days, I saw a mother's request for help on Zhihu, and the content was like this:
To summarize briefly:
1, this mother has two daughters, the eldest daughter lives in school, the younger daughter is at home. Usually, I have more contact with my younger daughter, and I am better than my younger daughter.
2, recently moved, need to allocate three bedrooms. The master bedroom is home to two spouses, but the other two bedrooms are not the same size. At this time, the mother took matters into her own hands and distributed the slightly larger room to the eldest daughter on the objective grounds of age distribution.
3, the younger daughter is very dissatisfied with this, several times accused the mother of eccentricity, ineffective.
4, the younger daughter took advantage of her sister's absence, destroyed her sister's room, smashed toys, smashed windows, cut clothes, tore books...
5, the mother thinks that she is never biased, does not understand why the younger daughter will do this, so she asks for help.
Careful analysis is not difficult to find that this mother has stepped on a lot of minefields in education, and I think it is still worth taking it out for a good discussion.
The minefield is eccentric and unaware
The authorities are confused, and the bystanders are clear.
In fact, after watching the whole process, I believe many people can see that the mother's first problem is: eccentricity and not self-awareness.
This is also a common problem for many parents.
Unbiased or fair in the eyes of adults is often fair in their own opinion. In the eyes of the child or in the eyes of outsiders, this is not the case.
This mom, all the time, has been saying how the little daughter is. It seems that the feelings of the eldest daughter have never been taken into account.
However, the eldest daughter is the victim, because of the parents' decision, and the sister's farce, her room, clothes, books are destroyed, and the mother is only concerned about why the younger daughter is so angry.
The little daughter thinks that good things should belong to me, which is a cognitive problem; as long as I make trouble, I can get what I want, and there is a problem with logic.
An outbreak of contradiction is behind countless emotional accumulations.
The younger daughter's cognitive bias does not form in a day or two. Between the lines, we can all feel that because the eldest daughter is not around every day, she has more love for the younger daughter, but she herself does not realize it.
A few days ago, a mother shared her "fair" love online: there were only seven shrimp in the refrigerator, five making noodles for her son, and two left to chop dumplings for her daughter.
She proudly says "my love is not big, but try to score evenly".
It is true, but whether it is really done or not, the child has the greatest say.
Studies have shown that 70% of parents will have a special preference for a child.
When unpopular children tell the truth and fight for their own interests, these parents will feel that their children are unreasonable, and it is difficult for children to get the fairness they want.
I know that in multi-child families, parents have limited energy and it is difficult to be absolutely fair.
But being aware of this and working hard to improve it is a good start.
Minefield two
Don't think of children as individuals
Many people think that the little daughter can't get a big room and destroy it, which is cruel and bad.
I don't think there's any need for such malice, after all, she's a spoiled child.
Although the method is extreme, for children whose "emotional brain" is not well developed, rationality is a scarce commodity.
She was crazy about destroying her sister's things, in fact she just wanted her mother to pay attention to herself.
Imagine a child who grew up pampered, and one day, his mother took it upon herself to give her sister a good room.
In the eyes of the child, the world that revolves around him collapses.
She tried to communicate with her mother, but without success, she could only destroy the room to express her dissatisfaction and tell her mother that "I am really angry".
Of course, I also hope that this mother can calm down and think about it, what is the root cause of this situation?
Didn't you give the big room to your little daughter? I don't think so.
One of the most important reasons is that she ignores the child's independent personality.
Under normal circumstances, when it comes to the distribution of benefits between children, it is necessary to consider the child's opinion first, and it is obvious that she has not done this.
Writer Zhou Guoping said: The most important principle of getting along with children is to respect children. Think of the child as a soul, an individual with his own independent personality.
This thing has now progressed to this point, and if I were this mom, I might have remedied it this way (if you have a better way to share it in the comments section):
1. Comfort the little daughter, listen carefully to the voice of the heart, and let the little daughter's emotions calm down.
2. The eldest daughter's personal belongings are destroyed, and it is necessary to conduct psychological counseling for the eldest daughter, and then carry out corresponding material compensation to minimize the loss of the eldest daughter.
3, come up with a new plan, strive to make the two rooms equally attractive to the child, let the child choose the room independently - although the size of the room and lighting are not easy to be changed, but can increase the added value of the room.
For example, decorate a small room more exquisitely, and let the child choose: Do you want a larger room or a more beautiful room?
Because each room has its own strengths and weaknesses, no matter which room the child chooses, this room has the advantage of making the child proud.
Or, let the child rotate into a larger room.
In short, as long as the feelings of the two children are taken into account, the matter is half resolved.
Many parents do not have the consciousness of treating their children as independent individuals, and they often say, "He is still young, what can he understand?" ”
The educator Kozak once said: "There are no children in the world, they are all people".
For a while, I accompanied my son to early education classes, and I would always pay attention to him, afraid of any trouble. But the more I stared at my son, the less attentive he became.
Later I hid aside, secretly paying attention.
I found that without me, he was more active and lively, and more confident in interacting with the teacher.
I began to reflect that in the past, in the process of getting along with my children, I often unconsciously privatized my children - the children's thoughts should obey me, and the children's behavior should meet my expectations...
After this incident, I understand that high-quality love must be conditional on respect. I want to give my child my love, not my decision-making, monitoring, conditioning.
Children have their own ideas and opinions, if parents can give corresponding respect, I believe that many parent-child problems will be solved.
Minefield three:
Educate your children in the way you think you are right
Whether the mother is biased and unaware, or does not treat the child as an independent individual, in the final analysis, she is educating the child in a way that she thinks is right.
I have such parents all around me.
Some time ago, one of my relative's children was suffering from major depression.
This child is very good, and the college entrance examination has been admitted to a top 985 college with a score of almost one hundred points above one line.
He felt that he was not doing scientific research, thinking of directly participating in the work after graduation, but he was threatened by his parents to break off the parent-child relationship and forced him to enter graduate school.
After two consecutive defeats, he shut himself in his home and closed his door, and I heard that he was now in a very stiff fight with his family.
In my impression, he has always been a very thoughtful person, and when he first talked about the work plan after graduation, he was also talkative and full of spirits.
I am not at all surprised by the situation now.
Growing up he lived under strict rules and was not allowed to be self-aware. His parents' mantra was always:
That's how we got here.
If you listen to me, will I still harm you?
You are still young, and when you grow up, you will understand: I am all for your own good
……
How does a parent's self-righteous love destroy a child? A netizen said:
When I was a child, I didn't want to attend the dinner party, and I was beaten up by my father and dragged away.
When I was in junior high school, I wanted to wear glasses after myopia, but my father resolutely refused, saying how can a child be short-sighted.
I got good grades in the top class, once I didn't get into the top ten, my parents scolded without asking the reason, and since then I have developed a psychology of boredom.
I wanted to buy a literary masterpiece recommended by the teacher to read, but my father felt that extracurricular books were useless for the exam and would not buy them for me.
Growing up, enduring his father's self-righteous education, he never felt the slightest love.
Growing up in such an educational environment, he developed a perverted and twisted psychology, and even cursed his father for dying alone.
A good child has become like this, which makes people sigh.
Self-righteous love can really ruin children.
Some readers left messages saying that she did not let children play this and touch that all day, and only let children read books at home, resulting in children now lacking social skills, and people are becoming more and more homely.
She said that the child lost a lot of the fun of childhood, and in the future, she should try to return the child's wonderful to her, after all, it is the child's own life.
She made me very touched, and as a parent, I can put down my authority and take the initiative to reflect, which is really rare.
The adult world is so busy that there is no time to listen to the children.
Therefore, it is not difficult to understand that many parents are good at formulating rules, goals, and life plans for their children from their own perspective.
"The way of education determines the love of parents, which may be a garden or a prison."
Rather than pouring more effort into our children, what is more valuable is whether we can get rid of the prejudices and self-righteousness brought about by parenthood and express love in a way that children can understand.
Proper love must contain the self-adjustment and change of parents.
Welcome to [Like] and [Watching] to share with more people - appropriately put aside prejudice, with love to nourish the future of children.