Wen | Mi Xiaomu
When the mother for more than 10 years, it seems that I have not thought about why I have children?
Why have children? In the book "Raising Your Inner Child" that I recently read, several of the statements mentioned include most people's answers:
For the integrity of life
For the sake of the inner sense of order
Passed on from generation to generation
Regardless of the reason for having a child, one of the questions that needs to be considered before having a child is: Is it important to have a child, or is it important to have a child? The "Human World" TV series that has been chasing for the past two days has answered this question very well.
Zhou Rong gave birth to a daughter for her love and career, but left her daughter to her brother for more than 10 years. When my daughter was older, I found that my daughter was not close to me, and I was uncomfortable.
Is it important to have children? Or is it important to raise children? Zheng Juan in "The World of Man" replied bluntly: Of course, raising is important.
Raising children is a technical job, and the parent-child relationship between parents and children, just like bank accounts, usually does not accumulate, the account will be empty. How do I save money into my parent-child emotional account on a regular basis? Some of the content shared in "Raising Your Inner Child" is worth learning from parents.
"Raising Your Inner Child" is a psychological book by counselor Cong Feicong, sharing a person's relationship with himself. The heart of a strong person is inseparable from five feelings. Which five feelings? Sense of security, freedom, value, meaning, intimacy. In the process of parenting, these five senses can be divided into two levels. The foundation of survival, the inner spiritual pillar.
Rationally construct the cornerstone of your child's survival
In He Fan's "Variable 4", it is mentioned that considering raising children with endgame thinking will take into account that children need to have 6 major abilities when they grow up. One of these abilities is the ability to feed oneself. The mother in "Mom Let Me Sell Eggplant" is determined to let her child learn to support herself because she wants to leave her child. This is an external ability, in addition to the external, there is also the inner ability, "Raise Your Inner Child" is about learning to be a parent, teaching children the ability to nourish their own hearts.
In "Raising Your Inner Child", Cong Feicong analyzed children of different ages, and the focus of building an emotional foundation was different. Specifically, children from zero to one and a half years old are an important time to build a sense of inner security. Starting at the age of one and a half years old, it is a critical period for children to form a sense of freedom. Three to six years old is the key period for the formation of children's sense of value.
A sense of security, freedom, and value are the cornerstones of a child's survival.
Cong Feicong shared some of the reasons for the lack in "Raising Your Inner Child". There are some commonalities in the factors that cause a child to be insecure, free, and low value. Looking at these commonalities, compared with our own parenting styles, can play a wake-up call. To sum up, there are three points that are worth learning from us as parents.
1. Violence is obsolete
The factor of violent parenting will cause children's sense of security and freedom to be lacking. And violent parenting will be passed on from generation to generation. In "Raising Your Inner Child", you can see the inner monologues of many interviewees, and the pain caused by violent parenting takes many years to release, and some people are trapped in the dilemma of "violence" all their lives.
My boss mentioned that she was once in the dance class and had seen a classmate with black green on his legs, which was shocking. At that time, we also discussed what to do when a child is subjected to parental violence. In the end of the discussion, it seems to be a state of insoluble solution, unless the parents themselves have some awareness.
Violence cannot solve the child's "problem", and every punch extended by adults consumes the deposit of the parent-child emotional account.
2. Learn to speak
Recently, I saw a very interesting book title, "After Becoming a Mother, Learn to Speak Again", this book has not yet been read, but the title of the book speaks my heart. More and more, I feel that talking to my children is a skill that parents need to learn.
From the words, the tone, to the expression, and the speech, you need to learn it again. If you have a parent's induction certificate, learning to talk to your child well is also a course to be set.
In "Raise Your Inner Child", Cong Fei shares the reasons for the lack of children's sense of security, freedom, and value, all of which are caused by the way parents express. For example, as soon as a child does something wrong, adults will accuse and complain, and in the process of constantly accusing and complaining, not only will the cornerstone of the child's sense of security, freedom and value be broken, but also the child will develop a way of thinking and expressing accusations and complaints. A person who will only blame and complain when things happen, will encounter more difficulties in his growth process.
In addition to accusations and complaints, there is also the "one-way output" education of parents. What is "one-way output"? Simply put, parents are only responsible for opening their mouths to speak, not for listening to what their children say. Communication is two-way, and the "one-way output" method cannot be called "communication". The communication method of "one-way output" is that parents take the initiative to close the channel of parent-child communication. The "one-way output" here includes parents' love to tell all kinds of seemingly logical and self-consistent truths, the fear consciousness transmitted by parents, and the negative evaluation of others behind their backs.
Some parents are difficult to boast about their children, how to praise their children, but they can learn from Gu Ailing's grandmother. Gu Ailing's piano was only three levels, and her grandmother felt that Gu Ailing played as well as ten levels. Running second, Grandma can shout first. Gu Ailing's grandmother's unconditional praise for her made Gu Ailing deeply impressed. Praise children, there are doorways.
Speaking is an art, and learning to talk to children is an important way to help children build a sense of security, freedom, and value.
3. Raising a baby is not excessive
Everything that goes too far has side effects, and the same is true for raising babies. Parents' excessive attention to their children and imposing their own expectations on their children will make children unbearable and weaken their sense of value. Excessive neglect is not conducive to the establishment of a child's sense of security.
In the process of raising children, helping children to establish a sense of security, freedom and value, the formation of a good sense of intimacy in parent-child relationships, will be a natural thing. And these four are a spiritual force in the child's heart. This force will lead them to grow up in the process of growing up.
Ability to find a sense of meaning in life
When children are young, help them establish a good sense of security, freedom, and value in order to give them the courage and confidence to break through the world. According to Cong Feicong's words in "Raising Your Inner Child", there is a "sense of meaning" in the heart.
The sense of meaning refers to a person's ability to live in the present moment and enjoy the life of the moment. At the level of sense of meaning, there are two things that can give us as parents:
1. Learn to enjoy life and exert the power of words and deeds
2. Do not deprive children of their love of life
"If your parents know how to enjoy life, they will take you to experience the beauty of this world." I believe this sentence of Cong Fei Cong. This is a kind of power of "teaching by example", and if you want your child to learn to enjoy life, start with yourself. At the same time, it does not deprive children of their love for life, and experience life with children and experience the power of growth.
It's easy to have children, it's not easy to raise children. How do you make your child grow into an adult? This is a big topic, it seems that there are many aspects to consider, and fundamentally, it is to let the child have a strong heart. How does a strong heart come about? In the daily life of parents and children, a little injection.
I am Ya Koki, a sincere reader sharer.