Often see such a small video: children sit on the dining chair to prepare to open the meal, parents first come to a "kill the chicken and scare the monkey" performance, take a plush toy pretend to feed it to eat, the toy does not eat on the toy a punch and kick, the child on the dining chair looks stunned.
Seeing the tragic experience of the plush toy, it was his turn to obediently cooperate and eat a big meal.
Small videos with funny music are really relaxing and pleasant, and if they are purely funny, they are also a good pastime. But the child sitting on the dining chair is real, and the panic in his eyes is also real.
In daily life, this kind of "intimidating parenting" is very common. If you don't sleep, the big bad wolf will take you away, the police will take you away, the doctor will give you an injection if you don't eat well, and similar intimidation often fills the ears of children.
My 18-year-old niece did not dare to turn off the lights and go to sleep until now, because when she was a child, her grandmother frightened her, and when it was dark, she would not sleep, and the devil would take her away.
Afraid of seeing the devil in the dark, she grew up with the lights on to sleep, the house is bright, the devil does not dare to come.
Science is advancing, and "intimidating parenting" is also advancing with the times.
Young mothers have evolved from "don't sleep big bad wolf catches you" to "disobedient mothers are not happy", from the intimidation of demons and ghosts to emotional intimidation. But no matter how it changes, the nature of intimidation has not changed.
Why do mothers from the previous generation to the present like "intimidating parenting" so much?
01
"Intimidating parenting" is a powerful medicine
Most importantly, "intimidating parenting" works quickly. Whether it is a big bad wolf or "the mother is not happy", it is to make the child afraid, and it can play a role in making the child obediently listen
The purpose of the words. As the saying goes, if you know your son, if you know your mother, what your child is afraid of, your mother is clear, and "intimidating parenting" is easy to use and uncomfortable.
There is another reason for the long-term success of "intimidating parenting", that is, it is convenient. Don't have to learn any communication skills, don't need to understand the causes and consequences, directly use the things that children are most afraid of, save time and effort, why not enjoy it?
Strong drugs often have large side effects, and the side effects of "intimidating parenting" are also very large.
Just like my niece, who is 1 meter 7 tall and over 18 years old, because of the intimidation of her grandmother when she was a child, she is now afraid to turn off the lights and sleep. Many children who are "scared" have problems of one kind or another.
02
"Intimidating parenting" has big side effects
Children who are "scared" are prone to insecurity
We all know that there are internal and external causes to the motivation of human behavior. Intimidation, on the other hand, is definitely a negative external cause.
If you want to give people food, school, homework, and play the piano because they are afraid of demons and ghosts, afraid of losing their mother's love, then there is no enjoyment and fun to speak of.
Having been living in trembling, where does the sense of security come from?
Children who are "scared" are vague in their view of right and wrong
"Intimidation" has no causal relationship with facts. The devil won't come without sleeping, and the mother will love you without writing homework, but the child will believe that they take what the mother says as a "holy will."
The child believes that the mother does not love him if he does not write homework, and he will come to arrest him if he does not obey the police, which will confuse the child's view of right and wrong.
Once a child was lost, and when he met the police, he cried. The policeman's uncle identified himself, saying that he was a good man and a policeman, and the child cried even harder.
Fortunately, the child's parents found that the child had lost the police, which led to the family reunion. The police uncle is also crying and laughing, obviously the people's police, but like the big bad wolf, it is used to scare children.
There are even more terrible consequences for scaring children. Homework was not written, the exam was not done well, it was a small wave in life, but it became a hurdle in the child's heart.
Because what children have always been indoctrinated is that if they don't do well in the test, they will lose their mother's love. The mother's words of peace of mind have become a heavy burden for the child.
In medicine, many powerful drugs with fast effects and large side effects have gradually been replaced by new drugs with mild efficacy and small side effects, and "intimidating parenting" should also be completely replaced.
The way of not "intimidating" can still make children cooperate with parents.
03
Stay away from intimidation to teach good children
At the end of the day, intimidation is a violent form of communication, a deeper form of cold violence that hurts a child.
In the process of communicating with children, it is necessary to use "non-violent" communication methods, even if there is conflict, children can experience the power of love.
Nonviolent communication: the main theme of harmonious parent-child relationship
Nonviolent communication, also known as the "language of love," was proposed by Dr. Marshall Luxemburg. Nonviolent communication has helped countless people around the world to achieve love, harmony and happiness, and it is naturally very suitable for communicating with children.
There are 4 elements to the nonviolent communication style: observation, feeling, need, request.
Observation is to look at what happens calmly and objectively, without mixing personal emotions and comments.
Feelings are the accurate identification and expression of the body's sensory and emotional states, pure feelings, no accusations, no criticism. Worry, fear, fear, anxiety, joy, excitement, are real feelings.
Need is to find out whether the deep needs of the heart have been met, and the types of needs are: trust, security, understanding, acceptance, and so on.
Request, after sorting out the facts, feelings and needs, make a specific, unambiguous request.
The four elements of nonviolent communication remind us to make clear and specific requests based on facts and real feelings and needs.
For example, a child keeps watching TV and not sleeping. The usual term for "intimidating parenting" is, "If you don't sleep, you won't grow up, and if you watch TV, you'll be blind." ”
Let the child watch TV, but also in fear, can not really enjoy the fun.
In a "nonviolent communication" approach, you could say something like, "You've been watching for 40 minutes straight, far more than the 20 minutes we agreed upon, and Mom is worried (feeling) that you're going to bed too late to get up tomorrow." Let your mom believe you, you have to talk (needed), watch it for 2 minutes and turn off the TV to sleep (request). ”
The way of non-violent communication, clearly telling the child the cause and effect, as well as the specific course of action, because what is said is an objective fact, and it is difficult for the child to have a reason to deny it.
Clearly tell your child what is right and what is wrong
Children who are "frightened" will have a vague view of right and wrong. His criterion for judging whether something should be done is not the right or wrong of the thing itself, but how to do it will not be punished. This punishment is still the punishment given by the parents.
A 22-year-old man in Shangrao, Jiangxi Province, used a key to cut a new BMW, his intention was to force his father to buy the car.
Perhaps he often used coercion to achieve his ends, but this time he did not get his wish, his father did not come to buy a car, and he was locked up in a detention center.
A 22-year-old man, who made such a childish move, probably grew up and no one told him that it was illegal to destroy other people's property.
The child pushed down other people's blocks in the playground, and his mother told him, "If you push other people's blocks again, the uncle of the playground will not let you play."
The mother told the child that the child did not want to correct his own mistakes, but the next time I pushed someone else's building blocks, I would hide from the uncle and not let him find me.
This logic is itself wrong. Children can't tear down other people's blocks, not because the playground uncle won't let you play, but because doing so is inherently wrong.
As parents, we should clearly tell our children what is right and what is wrong, and we cannot use intimidation as a reason.
The "killing the chicken and the monkey" style of coaxing children to eat and scaring children by being arrested without sleeping is a funny existence in the eyes of adults, but a terrible nightmare for children.
We don't want our children to grow up in trembling, we prefer to see their innocent smiles.
Stay away from "intimidating parenting" and tell your children that uncle police is the umbrella to keep us safe, and doctors and nurses are good friends who help us get rid of diseases.
There are some things in this world that can't be done because they break the law and touch the moral bottom line. If you do these bad things, the demons and ghosts will not take you, but they will be punished by the law, morally condemned, and what cannot be escaped is the torture of their own conscience.
Like + watch, may our children be happy and happy!