Does anyone remember the song "Always Go Home" 20 years ago?
There are two lyrics written like this: Mom prepared some nagging, and Dad laid out a good table. Two very life-like lyrics write the two things that the wanderer who is far away from home is most worried about: his mother's nagging and delicious hometown dishes.
Looking back at my youth, in the face of my mother's endless nagging, I probably just wanted to escape.
Do not raise children do not know the grace of parents, young you also became a mother, understand the mother's nagging good intentions, but also began to use the tone of the mother to educate your children, nagging has become the standard of generations of mothers.
Do moms have to nag?
Japanese education expert Yamazaki Fumiichi has proved with many years of educational practice that mothers are less nagging and children are better.
Born in 1926 and educated in London, Yamazaki's "Mom Psychology Lecture" helped tens of thousands of nagging, child-in-ss agnostic moms find solutions to problems.
Yamazaki Fangichi advocates the family concept of "less nagging, no accusation, more encouragement", in the book "No Hurry, No Yelling to Be a Mother", she uses the real case of participating in the "Mom Lecture" students to deeply analyze the real reasons why mothers love nagging and love to be irritable, and tell parents how to better change themselves, not nagging, not yelling, emotional peace and stability and grow up happily with their children.
01
Nagging is a paradoxical existence
The standard for mothers - nagging, is actually a contradictory existence. Its starting point is love, but it brings harm.
The starting point of nagging is love
It's cold, care about the child not wearing autumn pants, the day is hot, worried about the child is cold and sick, the weather is dry, worried that the child drinks too little water, it rains, worried about the child being rained, this is the nagging of concern.
Children do not pay attention in class, tell children again and again to listen carefully, children write crookedly, remind children to be horizontal and vertical, this is a reminder of nagging. Children fail exams, do not write homework well, and sternly say that they will achieve nothing if they do not study well, which is the nagging of hating iron and steel, warning.
It cannot be denied that the starting point of nagging is love, in order to make the child healthy, in order to make the child better, most mothers choose to use nagging to convey this love.
Nagging comes from the mother's mouth, and after the child's brain processes, it will become a signal they receive.
Spoiled nagging
Concerned nagging, listening to more ears long cocoons, autumn pants still do not like to wear. Remind the nagging, let the child form a dependence, what should I do, the mother will tell me.
The nagging of criticism, listening to more is tired of listening, you say yours, I play mine. The starting point of the mother's mouth is the nagging of love, what will become of the child?
Hurt the child's confidence mother nagging is worried that the child is not obedient, did not do according to the mother's words, nagging more will hurt the child's self-confidence. Because the mother's nagging is always reminding the child that you are not doing well here, and you are not doing well there.
The Italian educator Montessori once said that a child does not judge himself, he judges himself by the attitude of others toward him. Mom's day-to-day nagging can take a hit on the child's self-confidence, and Mom thinks I can't do it, so I can't.
It's time to write homework, it's time to take a shower and go to bed, it's time to go to school, and the nagging of the mother will make the child act like a marionette, follow the instructions of the mother, and lose the initiative to learn life. Losing initiative is easy for children to suffer from "hollow heart disease".
Professor Xu Kaiwen of Peking University pointed out in the lecture of "The Economics of Hollow Heart Disease and Anxiety in the Times" that many people in the current society have "hollow heart disease", seriously lack a sense of meaning and existence, and do not know why they are alive.
Professor Xu Kaiwen is the general supervisor of the Mental Health Education and Counseling Center of Peking University, and many college students tell him that they don't know why they want to study, they don't know why they want to live, their lives are living according to the logic of others, and people with extremes will even give up on themselves.
Imagine that no matter what you do, you must act according to the will of others, and how can you expect him to understand the meaning of living?
Excessive nagging can make children lose confidence, lose initiative, and find no meaning in life.
Many mothers are aware of this, but they just can't help but nag. Get angry when you nag, regret it when you get angry, and continue nagging after five minutes.
Why can't moms help but use nagging to express their concern? If nagging is a disease, the cause is in the mother herself.
02
The cause of the nagging was in the mother herself
In "Don't Be a Mother", Yamazaki Fumiichi pointed out that the mother chattered because of the gap between ideals and expectations, some from her own and some from her children.
The gap between ideals and expectations
Some mothers have wanted to be musicians and dancers, but in reality she is just a housewife. She projects the gap between her hopes and reality on the child, and she hopes that the child will not only continue her bloodline, but also continue her dreams.
A cowardly mother wants her child to become stronger, not as weak as herself and being bullied; a mother who has been ridiculed for not having any talent because of the incomplete five tones will want to make her child more versatile, and she has suffered and does not want her child to suffer for the second time.
Therefore, the gap between the mother's ideals and expectations will make the mother have high hopes for the child, and once the child cannot reach it, the disappointment and unwillingness in the mother's heart will be transformed into chattering.
Offspring Stockholm syndrome
Whether it's our moms or we become moms, another reason we like to nag is "offspring Stockholm syndrome."
"Offspring Stockholm syndrome" is proposed by british psychologist Oliver James, Oliver believes that the relationship between children and children is like hostages and kidnappers, in the Stockholm kidnapping case, hostage sympathy depends on identity kidnappers, in the parent-child relationship, children will have a stronger sense of identification with the parents' behavior.
One mom who once attended the "Moms' Talk" said she had made up her mind before she got married not to nag like her mom.
But after giving birth, she found that she and her mother had become exactly the same. Emotionally unstable mothers raise emotionally unstable children, and emotionally unstable children become mothers again.
The gap between ideals and reality is passed on from generation to generation, and nagging has become synonymous with mothers.
03
Make a slight change and become a "non-nagging" mom
Nagging is not a genetic disease and can be changed through acquired efforts. With a few changes, we can stop nagging.
Like and acknowledge your true self
In "Don't Be a Mother", Yamazaki Fangichi emphasizes that children should not become the "double" of their mothers. The deviation of the mother's ideal and reality, the mother's unfulfilled wishes, is not the responsibility that the child carries.
To quit nagging, mom first has to like and acknowledge her true self. Only if you are satisfied with your own life will you not attach expectations to your child.
How do you like and accept yourself? Everything has two sides, mothers should be good at finding their own advantages, face their own shortcomings, and do not do "disadvantage amplifiers".
Cowardice is a disadvantage, but gentleness is an advantage; strength is a disadvantage, and having an opinion is an advantage. No one is perfect, not comparing their own shortcomings with the advantages of others, accepting themselves, and making appropriate changes are the prerequisites for quitting nagging.
Replace nagging with "affirmation and approval."
Yamazaki believes that children are slowly getting stronger and that children need their mother's help. He will gain confidence from his mother's words and grow slowly, and the role of the mother is to give the child self-confidence.
Children who are often nagged that "you can't do it" will really not work.
Children who grow up with encouragement and approval will feel that they can really do it. As Montessori said, a child's recognition of himself comes from the attitude of the people around him, and the mother is the most important person around the child.
Imagine a scenario where a child comes home frustrated and holds a 50-point test paper in his hand, what would you do?
Seeing 50 points of anger, "Told you to be careful, to study well, you don't listen, this is good, fail the exam ..." Such nagging and accusations will make the child more depressed.
To put it another way, "You will have 50 points on this paper, and the questions you answer correctly are the most important knowledge points." Now let's do the wrong questions again, these questions will be done, and you can get 100 points on this paper."
You can accept yourself, and you can accept your children as well.
Encourage the child with the advantages, let the children stay motivated, and the disadvantages may also become advantages. Replacing endless nagging with affirmation and approval of children will greatly enhance children's self-confidence and increase children's enthusiasm for learning.
The affirmation and recognition of the mother will be exchanged for the child's affirmation and recognition of himself. Affirm their own value, take the initiative to think, solve problems, children can stay away from "hollow heart disease" and grow up healthily.
Be a counselor for your child
In the process of growing up, the mother should not be the controller, but should act as the child's counselor.
Talking to your child as a counselor is the only way to achieve true respect. Respect the child so that you will not use endless nagging to force the child to obey when the child and our opinions are inconsistent.
Respect for children is not a slogan, it can be put into action. Often in the toy store to hear parents bitterly persuade children, this toy we already have a similar at home, let's buy this, this cost-effective. What the child wants to buy, what he wants to wear and what he wants to play, we can let the child decide for himself, this is respect.
Children often say strange things. For example, if the child says that he will be a cleaner and a driver in the future, some parents will laugh at the child's dream, and you are too unsuccessful.
Respecting the child is not to laugh at the child no matter what he says, and to take every word of the child seriously.
What a counselor should do is to give advice to the child when he or she proposes his or her own ideas, and discuss practical solutions with the child.
Only when every idea put forward by the child is respected, he will continue to produce new ideas, innovation, and achievements.
Yamazaki said that when the child is still infant, the divine motherhood plays an active role in what can be called the "hand of God", but once the child slowly understands things and desires to be self-reliant, excessive motherhood may annoy the child.
Mothers should learn to give up motherhood and stop chattering, because children are independent personalities, and truly treat children as independent individuals, and children will truly grow.
Replace nagging with affirmation and approval, be a good counselor for your child, and once you start to change, your child will also get better.
Like + watch, may every mom stay away from nagging!