The recent hot Winter Olympics are very inspiring, but many old mothers around me began to sigh: maybe the chicken baby is really useless.
You see Gu Ailing, Su Yiming, Chen Wei... The growth path of these "other people's children" is to rely on genes and really like the sports they are engaged in; Gu Ailing's mother is a "rabbit mother", and she will support what her daughter likes; Chen Wei's mother reminds her son that "figure skating is not all you have"... None of these children's grades were forced out by their parents.
On the contrary, in my life, I have seen many counterexamples of "chicken babies", almost all of which end with the child's physical and mental health being damaged or the parent-child relationship broken. Recently, I read a mother's "Chicken Baby Confessions" and was even more deeply touched.
This is a South Korean mother named Lee Liu-nam, who has honors such as "first-class teacher" and "legendary principal", wrote the "Mother's Repentance Letter", the content of which can be summarized in one sentence, that is:
In the eyes of outsiders, the mother of an excellent educator taught her two children the story of suspension from school and even to the brink of suicide.
Of course, if the story only ends here, it is not called "repentance". After the child was suspended from school, the mother finally began to reflect on her own educational methods, she came into contact with the concept of "emotional coaching parents", struggled to learn to get along with the child in a different way, and finally improved the parent-child relationship, and the two children also found the direction of life.
"Mother's Confession" is her confession and summary after the whole family got out of the quagmire. She hopes to "repent" to her children with her true voice, and also warns parents around the world: Never be like me.
The evaluation of this book on Douban is only 6.7 points, but my own feelings after reading the whole book are: three stars in writing and six stars in story.
After all, this mother is not a professional writer, the writing is average, but her story is valuable in the truth and rarity, in the Internet is not "chicken blood" or "chicken soup" article flood at the moment, is a "pit avoidance treasure book" worth reading for all parents.
In today's article, I will tell you the story of this "six stars".
*For ease of reading, this article is narrated in the first person
#01
Read to the third year of high school,
The wonderful son and daughter suddenly stopped going to school
My name is Li Liunan, and I used to be a teacher and mother who was envied by everyone.
I am a first-level teacher, the first place in various teaching competitions, as long as I teach the class, the child's grades will definitely improve by leaps and bounds, if there are 3 people in other classes who win the award, 10 people in my class will win the award... The local parents did everything they could to get their children under me.
I am particularly proud that the sons and daughters of the family are also very good. The son was easily ranked in the top three of the famous schools and was elected as the student president; the daughter also entered the well-known girls' school in Gangnam District (Gangnam District is a highland of high-quality educational resources in South Korea, which can be understood as South Korea's "Haidian District").
I even published an educational book, 55 Strategies for Success in School Life for Kids, which was so popular that it was listed as a must-read for parents.
The year the book was published, I was punched in the face.
At that time, my son was already in the second semester of his junior year of high school, and he had a few months to go to the college entrance examination. But one day after work, my son suddenly told me: I really can't go to school, I have to take a break.
At first glance, I thought that my son was really incomprehensible, so I scolded him with my husband and told him not to think blindly and obediently go to school. However, the son is very insistent, since his parents do not give him a suspension from school, he will be late, leave early, not go to cram school, quarrel at home every day, and swear at every turn... Finally, on August 31, the voluntary suspension book was stamped.
The child who left school on the last day of his junior year of high school is the only one in the world who is my son!
△ Stills from the TV series "Castle in the Sky"
Seeing my brother take a leave of absence, my daughter, who was in her second year of high school and had always been very obedient, did the same, telling me: "Excellent brothers are no longer going to school, and I will also take a leave of absence if I am not so good." "Although I kept scolding her and trying to stop her, she kept missing class like her brother and finally achieved her goal.
After leaving school, the two children locked in their respective rooms, eating and sleeping every day, playing games and watching TV movies, like people who are addicted to the Internet and games, gradually becoming wasted.
The son not only did not go out, but even the room did not let the sun shine in, the daughter gained 10 kilograms in a month, and the symptoms of depression and social phobia of the two people became more and more serious.
To make matters worse, my husband's career suddenly collapsed overnight, and the debt collection company came to the doorstep.
During that time, it is no exaggeration to say that my whole being collapsed, praying every day that God would allow himself to die in his sleep. On the way, I passed out three times and was taken to the emergency room, hit people with my car in an unconscious state, hit by a car, and was admitted to the hospital several times for surgery... However, in the face of such a mother, the children are still unmoved, and it can be said that they are cold-blooded and ruthless.
In the end, the two children were suspended from school for a full year and a half.
△ Stills from the TV series "Home on the Ramp"
#02
"No parent who can beat their child"
When I first heard the phrase "no parent who has not won over their children", I thought confidently: If parents can't win their children, then who can't win? Disobedient children are thrown out!
But during the time when my child was out of school, I deeply felt that there was really no parent in the world who had won a child.
At the beginning, I still had illusions and refused to give up, as long as I saw my child, I would force me to ask: "When will I go to the academic ability appraisal?" When do I want to go to college? Why are you still playing? It's good to take an online class! ”......
But once when I persuaded my son to go back to school, because he was angry, he picked up a broom and beat him twice, but his son, who had grown to one meter and eight meters, actually grabbed my hand, forced me into the corner, and said sharply: "Why did you hit me?" Why are you asking me that? If you want to go to college, you can take the exam yourself! ”
I was really scared by my son, should he not use violence against the mother who gave birth to him and raised him? I had to flee in a hurry.
The delicate and sensitive daughter of her personality made me feel frightened from the other direction. One day when I came home from work, I heard a terrible sound like the roar of an animal in my daughter's room, and when I stepped on a stool and looked out the window on the door, my daughter smashed everything in the room, her hair was cut clean, her hands were full of blood, and she was crying.
If this continues, should the daughter commit suicide? A chill rose in my back.
If the child dies, what is the point of my life? That night, my daughter was crying in her room, and I was crying in my own room, thinking: When did I start and what did I do wrong?
#03
"What did I do wrong?"
It was a long time before I figured out why my two children were out of school.
That is: two children studying well in school, never out of their own will, but out of my request.
There is a "limit" to learning that is forced by others. With the development of society, the duration of time is getting shorter and shorter. If it is a child now, I will be forced to break out in the 5th and 6th grades of elementary school, and because I am too "terrible", my son and daughter have been holding out until the third year of high school.
How can children take the initiative to learn? Two important conditions are self-confidence and purpose.
If the child feels that he can do one thing well, then he is naturally willing to do it. If the child thinks that getting good grades is the goal he wants to achieve, he will take the initiative to do it without being driven by parents and teachers.
But how do I do it?
I am a teacher who has never praised a student in 28 years of teaching, and a mother who has never praised a child. I've been suppressing their self-confidence and using criticism and belittling to communicate with my children.
My son is gifted and literate at the age of 3, and although I am happy, I take it for granted. But my daughter couldn't recognize a few words when she was 7 years old, so I was furious and once let my 1st grade daughter practice writing until late at night.
But after spending so much time, the first dictation exam daughter only scored 60 points, saw the test paper, I refused to sign, and scolded her "such a result do you dare to go home?" Can the meal still be eaten? ”
The second time my daughter came back with 80 points, although I was happy, I was still not satisfied, so I teased her: "This exam is simpler, right?" ”
When my daughter finally scored 100 points, excitedly waving her exam papers home, eager to get my praise, I cruelly said to my daughter: "You all get 100 points in your class, right?" How many 100 points are there? ”
Oh my God, now that I think about it, why would I say such a thing to my daughter? Did he say this so that she would later take a break from school to become a waster, or even prepare to commit suicide?
I've also been suppressing my child's spontaneous goals. When my son was in middle school, I found that he applied for the street dance club as a club activity, but in my mind, the children who would go to street dance were all children with poor grades, so despite my son's opposition, I ran directly to his school and told the class teacher that he had a car accident when he was a child, and his feet were not good, so he changed it to a reading club.
When the two children were preparing for the exam, I also sent them to the "boarding school" in that remote area, getting up at 5 o'clock in the morning and studying until 12 o'clock in the evening. Although the children obediently went, after returning from boarding school, as long as the word "send" from boarding school appeared on the TV, the children would be transferred.
In order to promote my children's English learning, although I could not afford to pay the tuition fees for going to the United States, I sent my children to a very remote and difficult place in the Philippines to supplement their English. Two months later the children came back, just like before, never to go to Southeast Asia again...
And so on, and that's how I was, gradually ruining the confidence of both children and turning them into people without any goals.
In fact, the students I have taught are the same.
Although parents have sent their children to my hands, when they are promoted to the new grade, their grades will plummet. At first, I thought I was teaching well and other teachers were teaching too poorly, but it was also because I was using teacher-led methods to force children to learn.
Children who are forced by others to study, even if they break through the difficult hell of the college entrance examination and enter the university, will also take a break and retake the exam.
Seriously, students who leave school are still courageous, and many students are afraid of their parents or do not know what they are going to do, or they habitually go to school, so they either can't finish their work, or they feel that they are not the way they want to go after employment, and they live on their feet, or simply "lie flat".
△ Stills from the movie "Over Spring"
#04
I want to be a "coaching parent"
Faced with the emergency that my child might commit suicide, I finally began to seek change.
It was at this time that I was exposed to "emotional coaching."
The first to study emotional coaching was Dr. Heim Ginort, an Israeli-born student of child psychology at Columbia University, who has written books such as "How Parents Talk to Their Children" and "How Teachers Talk to Students."
He found that correcting children's behavior (such as getting them to go to school spontaneously) is difficult, but as long as they can accept the child's emotions (such as allowing them to feel disgusted with school or learning), their behavior can be effectively corrected.
Therefore, good parents and teachers should not ask their children to do this and that, but should be like coaches, accompanying their children and guiding them to make the right decisions.
Dr. John Goldman, who later systematized "emotional coaching", is also an expert in husband-wife relationship and parent-child relationship, and he divides parents into four types according to the method of handling children's emotions: neglect type, repression type, laissez-faire type and emotional coach type. Among them, the one that can make children feel happiest is the emotional coach type.
Neglectful parents think that their children's emotions are not important, if their children have negative emotions, they will feel awkward and want to quickly divert their children's attention;
Repressive parents think that their children's negative emotions are wrong, and if the child is in a bad mood, they criticize the child for having a poor personality or being fragile;
Laissez-faire parents will accept all of their children's emotions and behaviors, both good and bad, even if the child wants to hit someone because of anger, they will tolerate it;
Emotional coaching parents will accept all of their child's emotions, but at the same time set boundaries for behavior, they believe that emotions are not good or bad, but will help children find solutions.
For example, if your child takes home a 60-point roll and asks you to sign it, what will you do?
Neglective parents will say "next time the test is better", sign the name and pass; the repressive parents will be angry: the test is so bad or do you want to go home? Laissez-faire parents will say "it doesn't matter if you don't take the test, you'll be in good health";
But emotional coaching parents, will first without emotion, ask the child how the test 60 points feel, no matter how the child answers, to give supportive feedback, allow the child to have such emotions, and then step by step guide the child, let him set his own next time to work hard goals and effective methods.
Parents: "What do you think of getting this score?" ”
Child: "Ah, so sad, I could have written two more questions, but I changed it again, I really regret it!" ”
Parents: "As it is, I have encountered such a thing, and I really regret it at that time!" (Empathize with the child, give supportive feedback) So, if you take the test again, how many points do you think will be more satisfied? (Guide your child to set goals)"
Child: "80 points!" ”
Parents: "Why do you want to get 80 points?" What happens when I get it? (Whether or not your child is satisfied with the goal you propose, you must accept it, and at the same time help extend the meaning of 80 points, so that the child can fully think about why this goal is important)"
Child: "With 80 points, I will be more confident and not afraid of exams." ”
Parents: "My son/daughter thinks really long, it's really good." (Continue to give supportive feedback, and if time and conditions permit, the more questions you ask that extend your meaning, the better.) So, in order to get such an important 80 points, what would be better? ”......
While it may be helpful to know that such a way of conversation can be helpful, parents will undoubtedly feel numb when they first speak in this way. In this regard, Dr. Goldman said to practice "a small number of times", just like brushing your teeth after eating every day, and slowly develop a habit.
What I want to do is to press down the instinct of "repressive parents" in my heart and talk to my two children in the way of an emotional coach.
It's not an easy task, and it takes a long time, just look at the conversation between me and my daughter below.
However, I am determined that the wrong things that have been done to my children for a long time in the past must be made up for with the same amount of time.
△ Stills from the movie "The Taste of Rice Blossoms"
#05
"As long as the child is alive!"
One day, I said to my daughter, "Do you have anything you want to do?" If you don't study, as long as you want to do it, your mother can help. ”
"Can it really be said? If you're not satisfied, you won't scold me, right? After repeatedly confirming it several times, my daughter finally said with confidence: "I want to learn pastry baking!" ”
Hearing my daughter's answer, my first reaction was: "What is the future of making pastries?" Do you know how hard it is to work? How much does it cost? Will it be 3 minutes of heat? But thinking that he was going to respond to the child in the way of an emotional coach, he suppressed his anger and gave supportive feedback:
"Oh, what you want to do is bake pastries." Then he asked, "Can Mom help?" ”
"Just let your mother help pay for it."
My daughter found a baking classroom, paid a large tuition fee, stood for 8 hours a day to practice kneading dough and making bread, and came home sweaty, and her legs were swollen like pillars. I thought she would feel too hard and give up, but I didn't expect that because it was her own choice, she never gave up.
Not long after, the daughter passed the pastry baking technician exam with great enthusiasm and obtained two certificates. That day, she waved her certificate and said, "Mom, I did what I wanted to do for the first time, and then I can do everything else." After that, she seemed to gain self-confidence, and soon passed the high school strength appraisal exam and entered a famous university in baking.
I was relieved that my daughter was not happy with her job as a baker. Unexpectedly, two months later, she suddenly said to me: "Mom, I thought about it, and I think that pastry baking should be regarded as an interest, not a major." I don't want to go to school anymore. ”
When I heard this, I was so angry that I couldn't speak. "What? Tuition fees have also been spent, time has been spent, what do you mean by this now? ”...... But I certainly didn't say that. I suppressed my anger and admonished myself in a steady voice: "It is good for people to live, and it is good for people to live." ”
So, the daughter was idle at home again. However, this time is different from the past, she no longer plays games, and the time she goes out has become more. Until one day, my daughter told me that she wanted to go to the United States.
The moment I heard this sentence, I almost blurted out: "Your father almost went to the street after failing to do business, do you dare to think about going to the United States?" Or see the reality and stay in Korea to study! ”
But what I do in reality is to keep telling myself I'm a coach and then give supportive feedback:
"Wow! Do you want to go to the United States? What do you want to do when you come to the United States? America is a great place, and I want to go too. ”
"I want to go to the United States to study psychology."
Hearing this, I was like a sullen stick again. Everyone says that if you want to quickly drag down the family, you should read politics, if you want to slowly drag down, you should read psychology, what kind of job can psychology find? How is it possible to go to the United States to study psychology with such poor English? ...... Despite this thought, I give my child supportive feedback:
"You miss psychology!" Psychology is hot now, and you can definitely read it very well. What do you want to do after reading psychology? ”
Daughter answered:
"Mom, do you know why I miss psychology?" Although I had the courage to leave school and leave school, my classmates who did not have the courage had to take antidepressants and receive psychotherapy while attending classes. In my school, one or two classmates commit suicide every year, and the youth suicide rate in this land is the highest among OECD countries. Mom, do you know why children die? When I wanted to commit suicide before, it was to take revenge and make my parents sad, but when I really wanted to commit suicide, I thought of too many reasons to live so that I didn't die. And those children who choose to commit suicide will do that because they can't find a reason to live. ...... For the sake of children who spend their teenage years in pain like me, I want to help them. ”
Listening to my daughter's words, I was really full of guilt and extremely heartbroken.
So I apologized to her: "Daughter, I'm sorry, please forgive me for depriving you of a happy childhood and adolescence." ”
"Although it is a little late, fortunately, my mother has figured it out, there are countless parents and teachers in this world who have not yet understood, please give them lessons and tell them!" 」 Daughter said.
Later, I would write "Mother's Repentance", also because of my daughter. As long as time permits, I will continue to travel the country and the world to change parents and teachers like me.
#06
"I finally became a successful person"
At the moment, neither of my children has achieved anything.
It is easy for a daughter who has poor English to enter an American university to study psychology. I experienced countless tears and struggles on the way, and I also pressed down the anger in my heart countless times and responded to her in the way of an emotional coach.
Finally, she graduated from a fairly good psychology university in the United States with an all-A grade a year early, and now works in a youth education institution while preparing for graduate school.
My son later entered college, but after experiencing twists and turns such as enlistment in the army and being warned and punished at the university, he completed his university studies at the age when everyone else had already graduated with a master's degree, and now he has been admitted to a graduate school in philosophy at a university.
He said he wanted to be a writer of fiction and write the stories of his past. Maybe I want to relieve the painful treatment I suffered from my parents when I was a child!
Although the two children are not in the prestigious school that everyone envies, I am already extremely grateful, because their previous days of playing games to kill time and their weakness have long disappeared, and now their sons and daughters have goals, self-confidence, and work hard every day towards where they want to go. I'm sure they'll achieve something in time, but what if they don't? I will also accept.
△ When my daughter returned to China for vacation, the wall was plastered with "dream list", the first item was "all A graduation"
My family has also finally repaired the parent-child relationship. Recently, my son and daughter and I could talk for three hours in one breath, and on Mother's Day, I also received a message full of love from the children.
Once, on my birthday, I went to dinner with my son, and the restaurant manager, who knew us very well, asked his son, "Is your mother really okay?" The son replied, "Yes, she is the person I respect in the world." ”
The Wall Street Journal once did a questionnaire survey of 1,654 people, and one of the questions was "What do you think is successful?" "It turned out that in addition to making a lot of money and making a career, the one with the highest number of votes was to become a respected parent for your children.
Now I have long since shed the aura of "first-class teacher" and "perfect mother", my husband's career has failed, and my family is still in debt. But I felt that I was a more successful person than ever.