If only I were a boy

I often wonder if my life would be a little better than it is now if I were a boy.

If I were a boy, I would at least be more confident than I am now, more materially rich than I am now, and I would receive a lot of love from my family.

Because if I were a boy, Grandma would certainly not allow her other children to sneer at me, to hit me, to insult me, or even insult me.

If I were a boy, even if my parents were not financially able to reach the marriageable age, grandma would gather all my family members to crowdfund my car and house to marry my daughter-in-law.

If I were a boy, Grandma wouldn't give all her love to my sister.

...

Too bad I wasn't.

For as long as I can remember, my grandmother's obsession with wanting a grandchild made me feel scared.

When I was a child, there were two rooms in a large courtyard, one room where my grandparents lived with my sister and my unmarried aunt, and one room where my family of 3 lived.

Every night after dinner I wanted to stay in my grandmother's room, to play with my aunt and sister. My aunt had a book on public dream interpretation this week, and there were also some divination contents in the book.

At that time, my aunt was like us who believe in constellations now, and loved to use coins to divinate careers and love. Grandma would occasionally go to join in the fun when she was busy.

Her divination was the same every time: "When will I have grandchildren?"

One of the times I was particularly impressed was when my aunt told my grandmother, "You are looking across the river," and grandma returned: "You tell me something clear!" ”

"It's that you can only see that others have grandchildren, but you don't have them yourself!" Aunt said.

Grandma was disappointed and told her aunt, "You should look less at these messy things in the future."

Grandma firmly believed that she would have a grandchild, because at that time, the third uncle had not yet married and had children, which was Grandma's last hope.

But what is not in fate is nothing. More than 20 years have passed, and the third uncle is still single, childless and childless.

When I grew up, I once lived with my grandmother, and when she couldn't sleep, she told me a story, saying, "After your mother gave birth to you, she was pregnant again, but at that time, family planning was strict, and your parents were afraid of losing their jobs." I secretly looked for someone to calculate, if the child was born, it would be a boy! You should have let your mother give birth to the child in the first place, and if you lose your job, you will lose your job, and then you will be laid off and go out to mix, and now you are all prosperous. If I don't have a secret birth, I can raise it when I carry it back to my hometown."

With the lights turned off, I couldn't see Grandma's expression, but I could feel her disappointment and regret in her words.

That night I lost sleep, and kept thinking, "I have a lot of surplus, the person who should be beaten up is me, I should not come into this world, I should give the place of life to the brother I have never met."

But is Grandma really patriarchal to the point of not liking girls?

No, she gave my sister lots and lots of love. The sister was the daughter of her eldest son, and she heard from her mother and aunt that her sister was held in her grandmother's arms until she was 5 years old.

I could only console myself that my sister was born to the "eldest son" and made my grandmother become a grandmother for the first time, so she loved my sister very much. The sister is the "princess" born of the "eldest son", and she deserves it.

Why, my grandmother's obsession with wanting a grandchild once made me suspect that my family had a throne to be inherited.

I wasn't that lucky, I was a little unlucky egg.

My sister was 5 years older than me, and before I was born, she was the only girl in our alley. There are 7 families living in an alley, except for our family, Grandma's peers have hugged their grandchildren, and Grandma is also very anxious. At that time, grandma should not be willing to go out to socialize, after all, others have her not, she should be lost.

Just when our family was in urgent need of a grandson to change my grandmother's hutong status, my mother became pregnant. I don't know which godmother used her B-like eyes to look at my mother's belly, and told my grandmother very sure that my mother's fetus was a boy, and she would have a grandchild. The news was then quickly spread by the mysterious group at the mouth of the hutong, and my grandmother straightened her waist in the alley before I even landed!

The good times are not long, and I am always going to come when I should come. I came in the spring of 1992 when the flowers were in full bloom. Before coming, I was too fat in my mother's stomach, and there were some bumps in the road, smooth delivery, too big head, and was stuck for a while. So when I actually came into this world, I didn't open my eyes at the first time, and the first kiss was taken away on that day, unconsciously.

My appearance shattered the expectations of my grandmother and the mysterious organization of Hutongkou, and I appeared in my grandmother's world with disappointment and loss, so she did not love me, and I did not blame her.

Tell me about something that I remember a lot since I was a child.

When my sister was a child, she always liked the bottom of the leftover bowl, and my grandmother liked her, so even if the leftover bowl bottom grandma would not let her back "hoe the day when noon, sweat drops under the soil, who knows the plate of Chinese food, the grains are hard" Every time I eat with my sister, I will eat all her leftovers, hoping to "compete for favors". Most of the replies were: This kid can really eat!

There was a time when my grandfather wanted to engage in animal husbandry, and he got his grandparents to a suburb in the town to raise sheep, pigs, and ducks, and I was in kindergarten, because I could cry too much in kindergarten, and I cried my throat! It became the 21st century Anling Rong. The teacher advised him to return home and further study.

Mom and Dad have jobs, and they can only ask their grandparents to see me. She did see me for a while, but she was sent to pick me up during the day and at night, and couldn't stay overnight. But my sister could live there, as long as she wanted. This is the same as the grandson's fate.

I was there for a while and my grandmother didn't want to take care of me anymore, saying that I had relapsed her back pain. (The above content is probably after I went to school, my mother was wronged by my grandmother and I complained, at that time I also advised her to suffer losses is a blessing) What kind of blessing is it to suffer losses!

Although I was very young at the time, I vaguely remember her carrying me once, only once! She led me out at noon that day, and when she came back, the sky was already cloudy, and it was about to rain heavily, and we were still some distance from home, and she hated me for walking slowly, so she hurried home with me on her back. It was probably that time that exhausted her waist. Usually, when my grandparents work in the fields, I am put on a small motorcycle made of wood by my grandfather, and only my grandfather will hold me in my memory.

Later, I really didn't look at it again, because I remembered my father's work unit, my mother's work unit, and the neighbor's aunt pushing me to walk the corner.

After I went to elementary school, in order to expand the scale, my grandparents moved to a village farther away from the town, raising sheep, pigs, and farming. My sister and I would spend a long time together in the winter and summer vacations, and at that time I didn't have to go back during the day and at night.

Before the school started, my mother went to pick us up and take us back to town, and when I got on the bus, my sister and grandmother did not appear, and I owed a few years, so I got out of the car to find my sister, hoping that she would hurry. Finally, I saw the picture of my grandmother stuffing money for my sister behind the room. At that time, in order not to be embarrassed for the three of them, I silently withdrew for a long distance, and then shouted: "Sister, where are you!" The car waited for a long time before running over again, and I think they should have "finished handing over" by then. I also fantasized about whether my grandmother would also call me to no one's place to give me money for a while, but the truth is that I think too much.

It was another winter, and my grandparents returned to town from that village for the New Year. I ran into my grandmother on the road after a cram school and I asked her what she was doing? She said she went to buy a book for her sister and asked me if I wanted to go with me. I just farted and followed. When grandma bought a book for my sister at the stationery store to pay for, I looked directly at the pen on the counter. To be honest, there is no shortage, and I don't want much, I just love to watch! Because there are many styles, it is not interesting to look at it.

Grandma saw that I had been staring at me and asked me if I wanted it. I said "No, I'll tell my mom if I want it and she'll buy it for me." She said at the time: "If you want, you can say yes, Grandma will buy it for you if you want it!" ”

"Hospitality is difficult" I chose a pen, 5 cents. I was happy for a long time, and when I came home, I took a pen and said to my mother, "Look what my grandmother bought for me!" "My mom was also very happy, although things are not expensive, but my grandma rarely buys me things.

Until I ran across the yard with a pen and opened the door of my grandmother's house, and the happiness disappeared. We were cold in the winter, and there would be a thick layer of cloth hanging inside the door to block the wind, so when I opened the door, no one cared, and Grandma was talking to my aunt: "You see how much that child has a heart, I led her to the stationery store, where I kept looking at people's pens, I asked her if she wanted it, and she also said that she wanted her mother to buy it." The sellers know how people look at me! I didn't hear what my aunt said, and silently withdrew.

After a few days, Uncle gave me the nickname: Four Small. It means that I love to take advantage of the small, love to lose my temper, and the remaining two small ones are not remembered. Playing with a little temper is when my uncle cruelly killed my beloved grasshopper in the summer, and I got angry with him. I love to take advantage of it from the fact that my grandmother bought me a pen.

My uncle and I were classmates, and he gave the name to the classmate, who went to school with the nickname. Fortunately, he was annoying, fortunately I was well-liked, no one in school except him called me that, and finally I hit him once, and he only shut up.

The nickname "four small" makes me very mindful, especially the point of "love to take advantage of small things". Because the education I received from childhood is that it is wrong to love to take advantage of small things, and even nasty rhetoric. I haven't taken advantage of anyone else, so I don't want to be called that.

Since then, to the present. Whether it is family or friends who let me accompany me shopping and shopping, as long as I don't say in advance that I am going to buy things for me, I dare not look at everything on the road.

Maybe I'm too glassy, I'm just afraid of being told again.

She did treat me well for a while, and when I was in college, I listened to my sister and went to the city where she struggled, and my grandmother was there.

I had the privilege of spending 3 years with her. Because my grandfather died, my sister often did not come home, I became her sustenance, I came home every week on vacation and she would tell me stories, from her grandparents to her grandmother.

At that time, she also apologized to me, although she would find a reason for herself, but I still forgave her, because I wanted to get my grandmother's love since I was a child, but I never got it, and in those 3 years she made me think that she loved me. Now that I think about those times I spent with her, I feel happy.

It wasn't until I graduated from college that she told me that she hoped that I would give my 3 uncles a pension in the future. She made me feel that she had a purpose in those 3 years together, and she gave me back the disappointment and loss that I had brought to her when I was born.

There are many, many things that happen later, and I don't want to talk about it.

I'm about to turn 30, unmarried, have short hair, she'll call me a pervert when my parents aren't around me, she'll tell the rest of the family I'm not filial and don't call her.

On the fifth day of the Chinese New Year this year, my parents and I had a big fight on the phone, because I didn't send red envelopes to my grandmother in the New Year. My dad said I was an animal.

I almost broke down and shouted, "Do you think I'm having a good time outside, who helped me when I was out there suffering?" I encountered difficulties, I have no money for the time being, I did not send red envelopes, what is wrong, who sent me red envelopes? ”

My dad said, "You're having a bad time, you tell the family, you don't have any money, I'll give you, you give you a milk, she thinks you're having a good time outside!" ”

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! It's her again! It's her again! It's her again!

My parents are very filial, very good at considering the overall situation, very good at considering other people's feelings, but never considered my feelings.

Although I could feel that my parents liked my son, they did not dislike me. I know they love me.

My dad often reminds me that my grandma took care of me for 3 years when I was in college to remind me that my grandma was very good to me and that I couldn't have no conscience.

But he didn't know that I hadn't told him for fear that he would get angry, and that his mother had asked me to retire his childless brother when I graduated from college.

When I've finished saying everything I want to say, I'll tell every member of my family about this account and ask them to come and have a look. I know that I am accusing from my point of view throughout the whole article, I know that there may be misunderstandings in it, I know...

I know a lot of truth. No one has to stand on the moral high ground, teach me or accuse me.

Finally, I write to my parents who are considerate of the overall situation and understand other people's opinions (except for me):

You are at my most vulnerable, in the hardest times of my life, because money says I am an animal, and I don't want to forgive even if it's wine. Dad said I was a glass heart, yes, I am!

I've lived your way for 30 years, and I've put up with a lot of things and just want you to be happy with me, and the result is that as long as I do one thing I don't do to your liking, you don't consider my feelings and say hurtful things.

Love and don't love I can feel, who is good to me, who is not good to me, I have a number in my heart, I don't really remember who I hate, some things, I also want to let them pass. But in the process, there will always be people who remind me that I can't forget.

I love this home as much as you do, and I have everyone in my plan. It's just because I'm not having a good time now that I haven't expressed it, and I don't want you to think I'm talking big, I don't want you to think I'm just talking good and fooling people. So I want to wait until I've made a little achievement to express it.

But I've changed my mind now, I just want to love myself in the future, and I've always been expecting Grandma to love me, and I'm expecting you to love me the way I accept. But no, again and again the expectation of failing to teach me that I can only love myself, I can only be selfish.

The little things that you think I am preoccupied with have left a lingering shadow in my heart on the road to my growth.

It would be nice if I were a boy.