The author | Jin Shan yue
The source | Fan Deng's reading
ID｜readingclub_btfx
A few days ago, revisiting the Taiwan drama "Jasmine's Last Day", there was a scene that made people very heartbroken.
Before 16-year-old Jasmine jumped off a building to commit suicide, she said to herself: "No one loves me anyway, sad and poor Lin Jasmine, goodbye." ”
What made her feel pathetic and pathetic?
It turned out that from childhood to adulthood, her mother would only deny her.
If you take the first place in the exam, your mother will say: "If I hadn't forced you, you thought you could take the first place?" ”
When there is a conflict with a classmate, the mother will say: "Crying? Do you still mean to cry? ”
Occasionally when doing something wrong, my mother would say, "Do you have a brain?" ”
Until Jasmine committed suicide, the mother did not understand how the child could be so vulnerable.
She did not know that beneath the surface of the child's collapse was a heart full of holes.
"Jasmine's Last Day"
British psychologist Robert Debod said:
"Our values come from our parents, who are the people who can best influence our behavior.
The words and deeds of our parents shape our childhood and inevitably have an impact on our later lives. ”
As a psychological counselor, Robert used decades of work experience to write a book called "Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychiatrist" in a fairy tale way.
He told us that the words and deeds of parents hide the fate of their children.
Children who are "never exaggerated" are difficult to be happy, and what happened to them when they grew up in denial?
"Percussion" education is a child's lifelong curse
Robert's Mr. Toad is a warm, fashionable, adventurous guy in the eyes of outsiders.
But recently, my friend found that he was getting more and more wrong.
Mr. Toad said: "I feel like I have little value, my life is a mess. Compared to others, I look like a joke. ”
In order to make himself better, he came to the office of the psychologist Heron for psychological counseling.
Guided by the heron, the toad opens its heart and recalls its childhood.
The most he remembered from his father and what he said were:
"Don't do that!"
"You look so stupid!"
"Go back to your room, don't come down!"
At the mention of his father, Mr. Toad began to cry. He seems to be strong, but he has a fragile heart.
For him, his father's criticism and denial reminded him at all times, "You are a piece of crap, nothing can do." ”
Mr. Toad's vulnerability, inferiority, and depression are inseparable from the "denial" of his parents for several years.
"Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychiatrist"
There is a line in the family education film "Mirror":
"Every child is born with a blank piece of paper, the parents are the ones who paint, and the key to how the white paper becomes lies in the parents."
Most of the children who are affirmed by their parents to grow up are positive and sunny, and have love in their hearts.
Remember Zhan Qingyun, the debater of "Strange Story"?
Compared with her erudition, what makes people feel most deeply is that she is always so optimistic and confident.
In fact, Zhan Qingyun is a child who came out of a small county town in Guizhou, and his parents are also ordinary people.
In addition, she is a problem student.
Because of reading miscellaneous books, his academic performance was always at the bottom, and he was scolded by the teacher to transfer schools 6 times.
But Zhan Qingyun's parents never denied their daughter.
No matter how much the outside world reprimanded her, her mother always encouraged her; no matter how mediocre life was, her father always supported her.
For example, during the summer vacation, Zhan Qingyun, who was greedy, did not want to hold in the house to write homework, and always sneaked out.
Dad didn't say anything about her, but instead took her to play further afield.
Treating children in this way can make children feel a relaxed and pleasant growth atmosphere, cultivate their self-confidence, and become optimistic and brave people.
Just like Zhan Qingyun, she was originally ordinary, and she lived into a small sun full of radiance.
The last concept in psychology is called: positive authority expectation.
Meaning, if you want a guy to get better, encourage him.
If parents want your child to become excellent, they must also support him and affirm him.
If you give him all negative hints, in the process of growing up, constantly denying, reprimanding, the child will become more and more out of control.
"Percussion" education seems to make "bear children" obedient, but it comes at the cost of destroying children's self-esteem and leaving them in repression for a long time.
And this depression will pile up into an active volcano over time, not necessarily when, so that the child will erupt instantaneously.
Even if they carefully walk through childhood, they will have to bear this "original sin" for the rest of their lives, turning the denial of their parents into self-denial.
How you define the child, the child defines himself
After recalling his sad childhood, Mr. Toad begins to talk about his current predicament.
His father left him the Abby Distillery and let him run it half-dead.
While no one blamed him, he speculated that everyone would compare him to his father and conclude that "he was worse" by saying.
The toad's "badness" does not stop there, his residence is overgrown with grass, the position of "school director" is about to be replaced, and he is fat and ugly.
Family therapist Satya once said:
"A person is inextricably linked to his family of origin, and this connection can affect his whole life."
The connection is that how parents define their children, how children define themselves.
Mr. Toad, who has been denied, has been self-deprecating.
Before he did anything, he would say to himself, "You certainly can't, this father told you long ago."
Under this psychological hint, Mr. Toad hesitated and could not concentrate, he concluded that he was doomed to failure, and gave up the effort at the beginning.
I know that there is a question: what will happen to children who have been denied by their parents since childhood?
One gaozan replied: "There is a sense of powerlessness in doing anything, and there are countless things that are abandoned halfway." ”
A netizen shared his story:
From childhood to adulthood, his mother never affirmed him, and no matter what he did, he could not do what his mother did.
Defined as "waste", he grew up and wanted to make some achievements and reverse his family's opinion.
But his mother's various criticisms and reprimands once again made him retreat, feeling that he could not do anything well.
Slowly, he accepted this "fact" and defined himself as a loser.
He said that although he left his parents to work outside. But like when I was a child, I didn't dare to contradict others, didn't dare to express my emotions, didn't dare to fight for it, and didn't dare to break in.
Just like a few days ago, he was misunderstood by his boss and carried the pot for his colleague's work mistakes.
When confronted, he could not say a word, acquiesced to all problems, and naturally also bore all the consequences.
He thought that he really had to live as the "waste" in the eyes of his parents.
I once read a passage like this:
If a person's evaluation of him when he is young has always been negative, then no matter how good he is and how hard he works, it is difficult to succeed.
Because just when he is close to success, a voice will come out of his heart: you can't do it, you are doomed to failure...
Deeply.
Children who are never praised grow up without the soil to cultivate self-confidence and execution.
Growing up, even without their parents around to blame themselves, they fall into self-doubt and self-denial.
No one will feel happy in self-denial, so how can they get better?
How to get rid of "Poor Weak Me"
In his book, Robert defines the self-denying person as "poor and weak me."
They are pitiful, and even if they are recognized by the outside world, they do not believe it;
They are weak, because they are always afraid of failure, and they do not fight for opportunities when they see them.
Like Mr. Toad, he won the rowing competition, but the cheers of his friends made him feel that he was teasing him.
After that, no matter how enthusiastically his teammates invited, he would only refuse.
Mr. Toad was so embarrassed that he went to the heron's office.
The heron asked him, "Who caused your unhappiness?" ”
Mr. Toad was very impatient with this stupid question, and shouted, "I said it earlier, it is all the people around me..."
But the serious look in the heron made Mr. Toad rethink for a moment, and after a pause, he said:
"It's me."
At this time, the heron showed a smile, and he said:
No one can make us feel, and at the end of the day, it's that we choose our feelings, such as anger, sadness, guilt.
Everyone will encounter unhappy things, try to look at the other side, the mood may be different.
The Heron suggests that Mr. Toad change the direction of his thinking, such as:
In the face of an unhappy childhood, choose to forget and let go of the expectation of reconciliation with parents;
In the face of strong opponents, choose to be brave and believe that you have the ability to face the conflict head-on;
Faced with a boring life, choose to go out the door and embrace nature.
After a few months, the toad felt a little more strength in its heart and a lot more energy.
He can plan, investigate, decide, act.
He sold the distillery and went into real estate; he took back his position on the school board; and planted his home, Toad Manor, with flowers.
One summer afternoon, toad put on his newly purchased checked suit and bow tie, looked in the mirror, and gave himself a big smile.
Mr. Toad finally got rid of "poor and weak me" and lived into "confident and powerful me".
How did he do it?
In the book, robert, the author, gives us three points of advice.
Live in the moment and respond sincerely to real life
Robert believes that doing so can break the vicious circle that continues from childhood, so that the true self can get rid of the shackles of the past.
Stop self-criticism and do something concrete
Come out of self-criticism, set small goals for yourself, let life have expectations, and find the motivation to move forward.
Learn to resist without aggression
The resistance roberts speak of is a gentle, non-violent one.
For example, when you are scolded by your father and full of grievances, do not rush to apologize, but silently turn away.
And for the next few days, keep your distance, look for the right moment to say, "I'm really unhappy to be told that by you."
There are many helplessness in life, such as parents can easily affect children, but children are difficult to change their parents.
How parents treat their children is a lesson for parents.
If they don't learn this course well, you, as a child, have to find a way out for yourself.
We can't be confused for too long in the denied life, hurry up and get out, the good life is ahead.
Source: Fan Deng Reading (ID: readingclub_btfx), reading lights up life.
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