"Mr. Toad Goes to the Psychiatrist" is an introductory psychology book written by Robert Idebot, a senior British psychology researcher, and has been sold for a long time since its release in 1997.
It scored a high score of 8.5 in Douban and was also highly recommended by Li Songwei, a well-known psychologist in the mainland. Wu Zhihong, a master of psychology at Peking University, once commented on the public account: "This book, I suggest you read it 10 times."
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So what kind of story does this book tell?
Mr. Toad has a warm and adventurous personality and is a pistachio for friends. But recently, I don't know why, he has become depressed, unable to lift his strength in anything, and even has suicidal thoughts.
So on the recommendation of a friend, Toad went to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist is a heron, and under his guidance, the toad cries to the heron about his childhood.
The toad family is rich and there is no shortage of food and clothing. There was even a large estate and winery waiting for him to inherit, but the toad was not happy at all. Because his father was very strict with him since he was a child, in his father's eyes, whatever he did was wrong.
The mother, on the other hand, is a person who obeys her husband's orders. In order to avoid upsetting her husband, he followed his parenting concept and put away the motherly side.
The toad grew up in such a family environment, and in the eyes of the toad, it seemed that no matter how hard he tried, it seemed that he could not win the love of his father. The father even openly criticized him in front of the toad's friends, leaving him no face at all.
This frustrated the toad.
Seeing here, many people should be able to find some shadow of their own growth in the description of the toad. If not, then congratulations, you are happy.
Because of the influence of the original family, not only does the toad always easily deny himself, but also makes him afraid to lose his temper with people.
After listening to the toad's story, the heron said that the toad is still in a child state and is an adaptive child.
So what is child status and what is adaptive child?
According to the book, there are three states of people, one is the state of child, one is the state of parents, and the other is the state of adult.
Child status
"It's built from remnants of our childhood, including all the emotions we experienced as children. It contains two types, one is a natural type child and the other is an adaptive type child. ”
Natural children: Consisting of the basic emotions of sadness, anger, happiness, affection, and fear.
Adaptive children: In order to survive under their parents and get their liking, they learn to be obedient and pleased at an early age. It's actually a defense mechanism that protects us from being hurt as young as we are.
Anger is an emotion that is born with, and it is not that the toad is not angry, but because of the influence of his parents in childhood, he will not express his anger.
He chose one of the most soothing, less perceptible forms of anger—anger.
That way it won't upset anyone.
And the book also mentions that the state of childhood can exist not only in our infancy, but also in this state no matter how old we are.
Parent status
"All the values and morals we learn from our parents from birth allow us to judge right from wrong. Their words and deeds shaped our childhood lives and inevitably had an impact on our lives afterwards. ”
The book mainly introduces the state of picky parents, people who live in this state, they love to criticize people, easy to be angry, harsh, and critical.
You may have met such a person, who may be your parent, or your boss, teacher, or friend.
They always judge everything about you, they stand on all kinds of commanding heights, criticize you, deny you, make you feel that you are really a terrible person, feel that life is hopeless, and there is darkness in front of you.
But some people may feel that they do not have this state. But the book mentions that the state of picky parenthood exists in each of us in our bodies.
You're not without, you're probably like Mr. Toad, you're on the inside.
Intrinsically, it means that the object of your judgment is yourself.
You will always criticize yourself, criticize yourself, be tolerant of others, but be extra strict with yourself. Some people even hurt themselves and commit self-harming actions.
Even the slightest self-trial is a life sentence of life imprisonment.
Adult status
"In this period of adulthood, we do not behave like our parents, nor like children, but more like our current selves. It refers to the way we act rationally rather than emotionally. ”
Robert Dedbo says it's a person's best form.
In this state, we can plan, think, decide, and act rationally and rationally. In this state, we are no longer driven by the voices of our parents' past in our heads, nor are we surrounded by the emotions of childhood.
At the end of the story, the toad gradually realizes the reason why he is depressed, and also realizes that he should follow the heron's words, slowly adjust himself, step by step to the adult state, to the "I am good for him" life range.
No longer belittling oneself and elevating others. Stop being so harsh on yourself and learn to accept and accommodate your flaws. We must also learn to appreciate our own merits and stop being arrogant.
Jung once said that those who look outward are dreaming, and those who look inward are awake.
The process of knowing oneself is very painful and requires great courage and determination. Only when we completely break ourselves can we piece together a whole new self.
Phoenix Nirvana, reborn from the fire.