Psychological Q&A| pleasing personality after I became a mother

The Paper's reporter Yin Lin

Rejection doesn't necessarily hurt your child, and not rejecting it certainly hurts you.

issue:

I think I'm very good to my children, but the children are becoming more and more domineering to me. I am sad. But I can't change it, I may be a flattering personality, every time I refuse the child's request, it is difficult to straighten the waist. After refusing, you will feel guilty and feel that the child, why can't you fulfill his wishes? Does rejection hurt the child? Will it destroy the parent-child relationship? I often can't tell the difference between right and wrong. How do you do that?

Reply:

Thank you for your trust.

People who please are often difficult to please success. It is really sad to be so good to the child, and the result is that the child is particularly domineering to you. I guess behind the flattery is both a deep love for the child and a desire for you: a desire for someone to love you so much, to indulge you, to accept you.

To solve the child's domineering, you can try your own medicine: love yourself like a child, ask yourself what you feel, what you want, what you don't want, what the child does you are more happy, what the child does will make you feel hurt, express it in a bright and bright way, and express it with courage. When the child feels this part, he will know that you are a person and must have a little vision for you.

Your child's needs are important, but he is not more important than you. Unless he's very young, I think he's definitely over 3 years old. So, it's time to let him know one thing – he's important, and another person is equally important. I think that's the law of right and wrong.

Of course, if you start to value your own needs, then there will definitely be conflicts between you and your children. Guilt at this time is not a bad thing, because you love him and care about his relationship. You can make up for it and comfort yourself.

Maybe in your experience, especially in the early ones, there may be some feelings left behind: people are fragile, relationships are fragile, and if you do what you want, the other person will be hurt and you will lose love, but this is by no means realistic.

As long as you are bold enough not to please, as long as others feel the need to maintain a relationship with you, they will slowly establish a new type of relationship with you. The same goes for the child, the child is another person and can also adapt to the new relationship.

About the Author:

Yin Lin

A national second-level psychological counselor, a master's degree in developmental psychology, believes that "behind the pain is strength".

This column answers readers' questions about parenting, emotion, and self-growth in the form of an open reply, and you can write down your own confusion and send it to your email: [email protected]. We will anonymize the letter and hide key privacy information to share with friends who are confused like this, if you really don't want to publish it publicly, please indicate it in the letter.

Editor-in-Charge: Chen Hua

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