Andrea Ucini
Write to me, send it to [email protected], within 800 words, all letters can be made public by default. If you do not wish to make it public, please go to Weibo Q&A.
Letters from readers
I am 35 years old, married for 9 years and am a mom of two children. When I was a child, I stayed in the hospital for more than half a month because of the high fever of the postpartum wound infection. My parents, in-laws and husband were exhausted to take care of me. When my condition was getting better, my mother scolded my husband on the phone on the way home, to the effect that their family did not respect and take good care of them in the hospital. Maybe it's just a reason, and there's also a big reason for hurting me, so I threw the fire at my husband. My mom didn't know I was right next to my husband and had heard their conversation. At that time, I broke down when I heard my mother's accusations of crying and shouting: What is important to quarrel during my confinement?
After I was discharged from the hospital, I went back to my hometown to confinement, and my husband went back to work. During confinement he kept arguing with me on the phone and even mentioned divorce. My parents have always blamed me, thinking that I don't speak for them and don't argue for them. My dad cursed me in a very vicious tone, scolded me in the most ugly words, not at all like what a father had done.
It was from that time on that I didn't love my parents and husband as I did before. In the past, I was very willing to do anything for them, preferring to be wronged myself to satisfy them. Since this incident, their image in my mind has completely changed. I feel that I am fulfilling my responsibilities and obligations as a daughter and as a wife, and I have completely lost the heartfelt respect and love that I had before.
Especially recently, my husband had a serious illness and was hospitalized, and during the period when I took care of him day and night, I felt particularly wronged. What did you do to me when I was most vulnerable and needed care? Now what do I do to you? I also secretly cried a few times for this, and I felt better after crying.
Out of my responsibility to the families on both sides and the bottom line of being a person, my in-laws and parents have secrets that I can't say and need to keep, and in order not to break the families on both sides, I have done everything I can. But they didn't know what I had done and how to endure it. If they irritate me again one day, I really want to tell the truth. But once I say it, it is enough to cause the families on both sides to collapse, and it is not good for me, and I have to clean up the mess.
It may be that I am not wise enough, my cultivation is not enough, and the pattern is not enough, so I am struggling now and do not know how to face them.
Since my husband was recently sick and hospitalized, both families have intentionally repaired the relationship, of course, my parents are more active, but my husband also cooperated, saying that after being discharged from the hospital to see them, but I feel that if it is not sincere, it is better not to go, barely interesting.
In my opinion, even if they do not contact in the future, it is like a strange road, I am also acceptable, it is a big deal, usually I go back to my hometown to see my parents, and when my parents are old, I will take care of them myself, without my husband. Since they can't look at each other, why should they be forced together, it is better to live their own lives, so that everyone can live in peace, so as not to have new disputes in the future.
Therefore, my current confusion mainly includes:
1, for my parents and husband, what kind of attitude and behavior should I have, so that I will not be so struggling and wronged? I know they love me too, but they hurt me so much that when I need to give, I feel particularly wronged and unwilling.
2, is it necessary to use this opportunity to let the two families repair the relationship? Or live separately, do not interact with each other.
I implore Teacher Lu Jin to point out the mystery.
Confused moon
Lu Zhishen's sister replied
Moon, your narrative is very clear and clear, there are key points and details and very specific communication points, so you can understand that you are a person with clear thinking, understand the key points of life, all directions you have, but you need a little strength to make behavior choices, after all, you are a person in the bureau, and the bystander is not the same.
Many people, including their parents, do not know much about human nature, have no boundaries, cannot grasp the measure, cannot control their emotions, and have done too much damage under the banner of "good for your own good". If you must analyze it coldly, then, as you feel, their involvement in your life is not so much for your own good as it is that your life has not met their expectations, and they cannot accept an explosion of reality. They are just venting their dissatisfaction with life, which is even comprehensive, such as they want your life to be their face, their own dissatisfaction hopes to turn over through you, and so on. Of course, the heartache for you is also real, but their wisdom is not enough to remind themselves to understand and understand what is good for you, how to make it worse, and tear the wound wider.
What we have to learn throughout our lives is acceptance, the acceptance of reality, many people do not accept, and can not change the reality, they fall into mania.
I advise you so ha. First of all, it is normal for parents not to be able to achieve the degree of progress and retreat we want them to do, just as we cannot achieve the happiness they hope for and everything goes well. Second, when everyone has strong dissatisfaction and grievances in their hearts, it is appropriate to keep a distance, and in the case that the time, place, and people are not yet in place, forcibly repairing may be counterproductive. Third, your husband is sick now, he feels differently in the sickness than before, he is also growing, I suggest you try to skip the previous hurt to you.
We all made a lot of mistakes when we were young, to our parents, to our lovers, to our children. A friend of mine, now a remarried family, his performance is a model husband, a model son, but in the first marriage he did not handle it so well, between the wife and parents by all kinds of splint gas, can not stand the two sides of the outbreak. When you get older, you will sum up. Now he first pressures his parents not to become the king of the mountain in his own home, and the second is to send a strong signal to his wife: small family first. Then the wife is comfortable, just good to his parents, the parents are old and growing, and the other is that they feel that everything is smooth in the relationship.
If your husband is improving, reflecting, and has a good willingness to repair, we big women don't dwell on the past. As for you taking care of him, being good to him is where your own virtue lies, just like a doctor, whether it is a good person or a villain, you must save it. The virtues of our big women are all in our own hearts, and being good to you is what I want to do, even if I want to divorce tomorrow, today you are in bed, I still help you get out of bed.
Of course, he is well, and he must be strictly required.
Marriages come and go, they are mutual.
As for whether to repair the relationship between the two families, I think the action is not necessarily so urgent, if you are not mentally prepared, or you have a good feeling that the first signs of good will be snuffed out as soon as they meet, it is better to wait. The repair process will make you more tired than your husband and parents. Geng Zhi's two sides feel that extending an olive branch is already a big country style, and everyone feels that the other party should catch it immediately, thanks to Dade, one is not careful, you are in the middle of a roasted steak, and anyone can blame you.
You can be a three-no-woman, not taking the initiative and not rejecting it and not being responsible. To repair, your husband is the main, New Year's offer, he calls, he arranges. You say that you are afraid of lifting the table without a word, and your heart can't stand it. If your husband is ready, he will take it, and the person who takes the initiative will not be able to spread the fire to you.
He's not ready to let you call? You pretend to be sick and pretend to be in pain: on both sides are my relatives, and I can't stand that kind of intense conflict.
Anyway, you don't have to come and go, you can't put it down.
END.
Author: Lu Jin Radio host/columnist