01 How do parents make their children despair?
I saw a question on the Internet: How much influence do manipulative parents have on their children?
One netizen told his story:
I was begging for a living under my controlling parents, and I never went out to play alone since I was a child.
In high school, he liked to play basketball and entered the school team by strength. Because her mother felt that the girl's playing was not elegant, she directly skipped her and asked the teacher to give her to quit the team.
Filling in the college entrance examination is the mother's idea, and she has no say in the slightest. After going to college, it took 5 hours to go back and forth, and her mother still asked her to go home once a month to pay for living expenses in person.
After graduating from college, the girl is looking for a job, and when the mother does not approve, she will nag the children of relatives in front of her, learning lower than her, but the salary is high. Now let her take the GWy every day...
Every decision she made, the mother had to take care of, and it felt like she was going to suffocate.
02 The Inner World of Manipulative Parents
Parents are always curious as to why children grow up and become more and more "unrelated" to themselves. Don't talk to yourself, let alone talk about your heart.
In the eyes of the child, it is because the parent is always the one who wants to be the one who helps him "make up his mind":
"Mom/Dad eats more salt than you eat, and we won't hurt you!"
"When you suffer a loss, you will know if I am right!"
"The wings are stiff, aren't they?" I don't even listen to my words! ”
For manipulative parents, they focus not on their children's thoughts and wishes, but on what their children do that do not meet their requirements.
They always think they are helping their children solve problems, but they never understand what it means to respect children.
All the efforts of manipulative parents are just to make the child feel desperate and then push farther and farther.
03 Don't turn your child into an "untouchable relative"
In the new book "The Inner World of Manipulative Parents" by parent-child education expert Wu Juanyu, a similar real case is also told, but the ending is gratifying.
Luo Ling is recognized as the best mother, and her son in high school and her daughter in the fifth grade of primary school are all "other people's children". But what puzzled everyone was that Luo Ling also participated in the parent-child training camp.
In the face of everyone's confusion, Luo Ling said that when she was a child, she was very unhappy because of her mother's excessive company, and she still did not understand her approach.
She wants to re-experience the stress she has suffered through the bootcamp and learn to spend time with her children more reasonably.
It turned out that Luo Ling was born into a patriarchal family. My father had a successful career, but he frequently cheated. Her mother was exhausted in this marriage, so she transferred the pressure to Xiao Luoling.
Luo Ling has unfinished homework and unfinished talents, only in this way can her mother have face in front of everyone.
She said to her daughter, "When you grow up, you'll thank me." ”
Luo Ling didn't understand at all, she was bored and hated, she didn't understand what good there was in being manipulated in life, "I want to die every day!" ”
Unlike children who generally copy the parenting model of their parents, Luo Ling has lived a different life from her parents through self-awareness.
In this book, the author Wu Juanyu also gives more than 40 real experiences, allowing us to understand the real world inside the controlling parents.
"Most inappropriate parenting methods stem from the fears of parents"
Whether it is scolding, spoiling, control, or improper parenting methods such as emotional blackmail and excessive expectations, most of them come from the subconscious fear of parents.
Parents who lack a sense of security will control their children under pressure;
Parents with a sense of guilt will satisfy their children indefinitely;
Parents who do not have a sense of belonging are prone to excessive companionship with their children;
Most parents who hold a sense of superiority will force their children to pursue high achievements.
The book divides the subconscious fear into four categories, namely the individual, the original family, the original family, and the collective. Let us reflect ourselves in a real case of "Chinese parent" manipulation and get healing.
After each story, there are also thought-provoking "growth notes". Only when we are self-aware and clear our subconscious fears will we get rid of the shadow of the original family and create a different environment for our children to grow up.
Write at the end:
Psychologist Hu Shenzhi said that in people's lives, there will always be misunderstandings and confusion, when you are confused, you can see how we are treated, whether we are also treating our closest people in the same way.
It is often said that "the original family caused me a lot of confusion". If you become a parent and are still confused by your birth family, it means that you are also creating a birth family that affects your children.
Raising children has always been a technical job. Instead of your self-righteous "full of love", the child will be grateful to Dade.
Let go of control, embrace the fragile inner child inside, don't be afraid, you are born again.