I believe that many people are particularly familiar with the words "we are not suitable".
You'll hear it when you break up, you'll hear it when you get divorced, and in short, your relationship won't go on because it's "inappropriate" because it's "inappropriate."
But in fact, is it really inappropriate?
No.
It is only in the process of getting along that you step on the minefield, which leads to the result of "inappropriate".
Therefore, if couples cannot do the following 4 points, they will inevitably feel inappropriate, and in the end, they can only lose both.
What are the three different views?
Let me give you the simplest example:
You go to see the sea together, you say the sea is beautiful, but the other side says that many people have drowned. This in itself is not a disagreement between the three views, but after you hear the other party say this, you begin to attack the other party, the heart is dark, and even say that the other party's ideas are too extreme.
See, this is one of the manifestations of the dissimilarity of the three views. Because you denigrate the other person's ideas, you can't see the value of his ideas.
In fact, to put it bluntly, the inconsistency of the three views will lead to problems in the way of thinking of two people.
Perhaps two people from the beginning of love, did not find each other and their own three views are not in line, do not feel inappropriate, but with the love of time, the two people's ideas will gradually become prominent.
As the saying goes, "Mother-in-law is reasonable", which means that there are two people with different three views. Because the perspective of looking at the world is different, it will inevitably lead to the inability to think consistently, and there will be problems in subsequent communication.
And the more different the three views, the more conflicts there are. Like I said, different perspectives on the world, different angles of looking at problems, differences in thinking, that is likely to lead to. What you say the other person does not understand, and what the other party says you do not understand.
When communication between two people is hindered, the flow of emotions will gradually be compatible downwards, and the feelings will inevitably break.
The other day, I went to dinner, and there was a small couple at the table next to me, who at first looked very loving and harmonious, and then the two of them broke up.
The reason is because the girl wants to add vinegar to the dish, and the boy's least favorite thing is to eat vinegar, and then discuss the girl said, I don't like to eat vinegar, you don't know, can you not add it.
At this time, the girl said, you don't like to eat, but I like it, can't you accommodate me? Then the boy replied to the girl, every time I accommodate you, I don't eat, and then the boy walks out of the hotel.
In fact, who is jealous or not jealous, it is a very small problem, the big deal is to re-order, a vinegar, a non-vinegar, or that the boy can say, then I order a new one, so that we can all eat.
Then the girl can also say, then you eat first, and then I am adding vinegar. To put it simply, I can choose a compromise method to solve this problem, but neither person can do it.
The reason is because they can't accept differences.
That is, what I like, you have to like. You are different from me, I can't accept it, mandatory requirements for the other party to be the same frequency as myself, completely ignoring whether the other party is willing or not.
In fact, people are independent individuals, even after falling in love, they are also independent personalities, then in terms of behavior habits, there will inevitably be differences, because in this world, there are no two people who are exactly the same.
If you can't accept that the other person is different from yourself, then it will lead to the other party not accepting. Some people may say, since you love, isn't it better to move? This is true, but no one will always accommodate another person.
The person who always accommodates will be tired, until he can't hold on, feel that this relationship, let himself completely lose himself, will want to leave, and the reason for leaving, is "inappropriate".
And their idea is: since we can't blend in, then we must be the wrong people, the wrong people, it is better to separate.
Remember, the more differences there are, the less consistency there will be, and consistency is the core of whether an intimate relationship can last.
Returning to the example I just said, if the girl can order two of the same dishes at the same time, and the boy just doesn't like to be jealous, then the problem is naturally solved, both accepting the differences between the other party and herself, and maintaining good consistency with the boys.
The result may be two people, beautifully after eating this dinner.
Therefore, when two people are together and face differences, they must coordinate through communication or awareness.
I remember a phrase called: "I want both I do".
It is that you will impose your thoughts on the other party and completely ignore the other party's feelings.
What you want to do, no matter how tired the other party is today, as long as it is what you think, you have to ask the other party to accompany you to do it, I had a visitor before, he told me that every time overtime is very late, the girlfriend will make trouble with him, let him accompany him to watch a movie, or visit the night market.
But when he proposed that he was very tired, the girl would say, "You work during the day, and you can only accompany me at night, so you have to accompany me and do what I like." ”。
He told me that in this relationship, he really had a feeling of being kidnapped by emotion, and every time he forced himself to do something, he said that he was not happy, but he felt more and more uncomfortable, and importantly, he was really tired of working overtime. Obviously, you can take a shower, lie down and rest, but you still have to accompany the girl with a hard scalp.
From this incident, it is not difficult for us to see that the girl's empathy ability is very poor, she cannot perceive the difficulties of the other party, and use a forced way to meet her own needs.
Some people may say, this girl is not wrong, is it wrong to let the beloved person accompany you?
That's right.
However, it depends on whether the other party is willing at the moment.
If this girl can perceive each other's hardships, she will not force the other party to do a series of things, but she will definitely tell the other party that she has spent very little time with herself recently, and hopes to have time to accompany her in the future.
It is said that two people together, is a mutual projection and influence, if you can feel each other's feelings, emotions, then you will understand each other's behavior, and when you can empathize with your own ideas, the other party will also understand what your inner needs are.
Then, the two people adjusted to each other, and everything was solved.
Therefore, I am afraid that you do not have the ability to empathize, cannot see the feelings of the other party, insist on your own opinions, only to satisfy yourself, but do not consider others.
The reason why it is called love, then its core must be love.
And love is an ability, if two people are together, one person has the ability to love, and the other person does not, then the relationship will not last long.
If you do not have the ability to love, you cannot feel the needs of the other party, you cannot respect and understand the other party, you will be more paranoid with a demanding attitude, demanding the value of the other party.
Simply put, being with someone who doesn't have the ability to love will be physically and mentally exhausted, because you will never get the feeling of being understood, recognized, and loved.
When a person's needs are scarce, the relationship is cold and warm for her. Then they will be more and more disappointed because the other party does not have the ability to love, until finally found out, can not stick to it, disappointed to propose to break up.
I personally think that although love can make many people overcome many obstacles, in essence, love is not so great, and in the longer and longer together, once these 4 points appear, even if they are very loving, they will break up. The reason for the breakup is that "we are not suitable".
Therefore, I often tell people that love is right, but if you love in the wrong way, it is a destructive mistake, because the wrong way of love, the way of getting along, will destroy an originally beautiful love.
You know, in intimate relationships, comfort is the core of a long-term relationship.
The establishment of comfort, as well as its continuation, is based on the above points! If you can't do it, then each other will feel more and more inappropriate, and if you do, you will find that you will love each other more deeply and have a stronger sense of connection.
Psychological test: Test the sentence your ex most wants to say to you
1. Do you argue over small things when you're together?
Yes, I often feel tired —2
Rarely quarrel over small things—2
Occasionally, but soon reconciled —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to self-reflect and is willing to correct mistakes?
Yes —3
Not —4
3. Will he or she take the initiative to tell you his troubles?
It is often said that -5
Not much to say —4
4. Would you tell your parents about the process of your relationship?
Everything is too big or small, and I often complain to my parents -6
Occasionally they ask and say —5
Hardly to say, nothing to say —5
5. Faced with what you want, how much energy are you willing to put into acquiring it?
Everything follows fate, and it is mine in the end--7
Try hard, maybe you can succeed - 6
Do my best, I want to get --B
6. Did you break up because of a third party?
Yes—A
No —7
7. Did the other party take the initiative to contact you after the breakup?
Yes—D
No—C