"I thought my mom couldn't live without me, but then I found out that my mom couldn't do without my dad!"
01.
I'm like a leaf of duckweed without roots
How long have I not been home?
Sitting in the car, looking at the vast expanse of farmland that was rapidly retreating, I couldn't help but feel a little confused.
At the age of 18, he went to study abroad and started a family at the age of 30.
After a difficult start, the business is now showing a booming momentum.
My family is an enviable and idealistic family.
My wife, Ah Mi, is a typical traditional woman of "husband and son", who is virtuous and hardworking, and takes good care of my daughter and me.
Our baby is 6 years old, which is the age of liveliness and activity. Whenever I came home, she was like a monkey, sneaking up on me, grabbing my neck and making out with me.
My career is smooth, my family is harmonious and happy, and in the eyes of outsiders, I am simply a "winner in life".
But there seemed to be a black hole hidden in my heart, whizzing with cold wind. Whenever I am happy, this cold wind can always wrap me quickly, and my hot heart will drop to the freezing point in an instant.
For so many years, I felt like a leaf of duckweed without roots, wandering in this strange city.
The gentleness of the wife, the cuteness of the children, everything is like a phantom on a soap bubble.
When I tried to reach out and grab it, the bubble shattered in an instant. Along with those beautiful moments, they disappeared into the air.
"Dad, when are we going back to see Grandma?" Baby's childish voice crossed my ears.
The world outside the floor-to-ceiling window has been covered with snow, and the old tree in front of the door of the old home should have been wrapped in silver.
For foreigners, returning home for the Chinese New Year is the most anticipated day of the year.
But my heart was mixed with uneasiness and panic.
As the eldest in the family, I received the least attention and pampering from my parents.
It is reasonable to say that when I return home with my wife and children, I can also return to my hometown.
Looking at the dried corn and spicy meat hanging under the eaves every year, the familiar taste calls out the nostalgia in my heart.
But the moment I stepped into the house, watching my mother busy in the house for my father, my heart was particularly unpleasant.
In this current home, I am a superfluous person.
The tea on the table was still steaming, and my daughter grabbed the sugar in the fruit plate and smashed it in her mouth, and I was already sitting on a needle felt.
With a few words of greeting on my face, I took my wife and children's hands and hurriedly left the house.
02.
I have always loved my mother deeply
With Ah Mi Lai Ran health many times, I have been sitting on the sofa to rest.
Since giving birth to the baby, my wife's physique has been not good.
After a period of healthy conditioning, his wife's sick face gradually turned red, and her posture gradually became plump.
Later, she simply asked me to adjust with me.
I looked at her gentle Qiu Bo, couldn't bear to refuse, and followed Teacher Xiao Ran into the conditioning room.
At the beginning, chatting with Teacher Xiao was like the usual social interaction in the business field, and I chatted with each other.
"The right side of your back is deflated." The right side represents the relationship with your father, are you nervous about your father?" Teacher Xiao's words were so loud that I seemed to be shocked to the point of tinnitus.
"My father, until I was 18 years old, was always invisible."
Finally, I opened the conversation box and told the secret hidden in my heart-
"Before I was 18 years old, my father worked outside the home for many years. Looking at my lonely mother, I took the initiative to take responsibility for taking care of her, and I felt that my mother was also dependent on me."
I sighed and continued:
"However, all this was "shattered" when I was 18 years old and my father was transferred back to his local job. My mother no longer needed me, and I became a dispensable person in the family."
"Do you think your father took your mother away?" Teacher Xiao pressed my right back and asked.
Tears flowed down my cheeks to the corners of my mouth, and bitterness rolled over my heart like seawater.
"My father's coming home made me lose my home. Later, I chose to study in other places, but the loneliness and brokenness in my heart became more and more obvious."
"I thought my mom couldn't live without me, but then I found out that my mom couldn't do without my dad!" The intense emotions were like a beast, engulfing me in an instant.
"Mothers belong to fathers. Now I take you back in time, let go of your obsession with your mother, and let life slowly return."
Under the leadership of Teacher Xiao, I saw my former self.
"In order to make ends meet for the family, my father worked outside the home all year round. Looking at your mother alone and alone, you feel that you have a responsibility to protect your mother. I know that after all these years, you have also worked hard. Taking care of his mother is a matter for the father, so give him back the responsibilities that belong to the father. You have your own home, and your wife and children need you the most."
03.
Behind the physical and mental problems lies a discordant family relationship
From a psychoanalytic point of view, the client's problem is the Oedipus complex in his own mind, also known as the "Oedipus complex".
Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, proposed that children begin to seek sexual objects from the outside world during the period of object selection in sexual development.
For young children, this object is first of all the parents, boys choose the mother, and girls often choose the father.
The main perpetrator of this case is because he is too closely connected with his mother, and when his father returned to the family, he instinctively fought with his father.
When his mother and father reconciled, he felt that he no longer had a place in his mother's heart. As a result, I feel that the whole family no longer has a sense of belonging.
From the perspective of physical and mental holographic culture, our physical and mental problems often hide discordant family relationships behind them.
Xiao Ran, a famous Chinese medicine psychologist, believes that the Chinese Five Elements Philosophy corresponds to the order of each of our family members.
The five elements of fire, water, wood, metal, and earth correspond to the characteristics of family members standing in this position.
Fire position: the characteristics of the father, representing light and strength, playing a role in bearing and protecting the family, bringing self-confidence and strength to the family, and the sun gives hope to the family members.
Water level: The characteristics of motherhood, there are soft, subservient, humble qualities, paying, nourishing, and tolerant of the family.
Wood position: the characteristics of the son, independent, responsible, positive and resilient.
Jin: The characteristics of the daughter, restrained, steady, and strong.
Soil level: ancestral/family culture, prolonging life, continuing family culture.
The relationship between family members is the same as the principle of the five elements. Symbiosis is nourishment, and reciprocity is the meaning of conditioning.
Once one family member is in the wrong position, other family members will also move along. Most of the time, the misalignment of the family structure is the truth that causes family conflicts.
From the client's self-report, it can be seen that before he was 18 years old, his father worked outside the home for many years because of the compulsion of life. This makes the father who was originally standing in the fire position out of the position.
In the case of not receiving her husband's emotional care and life companionship for a long time, the mother will express it through the window of her son, who will become a man who can give her emotional sustenance in her eyes.
The child is projected by the mother to belong to the responsibility of the father, and will instinctively choose to identify, so that he unconsciously stands in the fire position that should belong to the father, and marries the mother subconsciously.
The absence of the father breaks the original "average" attachment pattern of both parents, resulting in the development of the mother-child relationship in an abnormal direction.
When we know where we should stand, define our own boundaries and responsibilities, and try to understand and surrender to our father, we will return the responsibilities and emotions that do not belong to us.
When we are freed from the shackles of family, we can open our arms and embrace our own happiness.