When the child never only receives, but does not give, he gradually loses the ability to respond to "love".
Behind every child who knows how to be grateful, there are parents who know how to guide giving.
Author | Malt mother
Two days ago, I saw a story told by education expert Liu Suozhi.
There is a couple, because of busy time, who has been leaving their children to the care of their elders.
Grandpa was particularly concerned about his grandson and gave all his love.
When the child was 9 years old, his grandfather fell ill and died.
The child cried for a long time, but turned his head and forgot. A week later, I don't remember much of this sad incident.
Seeing this, the father was a little disappointed: the grandfather was so good to the child, but the child turned his head and did not remember.
At this time, the father thought that the child was just young and did not understand feelings.
Not long after, one of the family's puppies died.
Unexpectedly, the child cried for a whole week, and as long as someone mentioned the puppy within half a year, the child immediately cried sadly.
Dad couldn't figure it out.
Grandpa was good to the child with his heart and lungs, and as a result, the child's feelings for him turned out to be inferior to that of a puppy.
Seeing this, probably many people have the same feeling as this father: this child really has no conscience.
However, the truth is that grandpa cares about the child and gives him all the good things;
And when the grandson wants to give good things to the grandfather, the grandfather often refuses because he loves the grandson.
Therefore, the child can only give this rejected "love" to the puppy.
For children, on the one hand, the grandfather who constantly gives him "love", on the other hand, he constantly gives "love" to the puppy, and gradually, he subconsciously "loves" the dog more than his relatives.
There is an impressive sentence in the comment section:
"People don't remember people who come over the mountains to see you, people only remember the people they went over the mountains to see."
In life, how many parents are puzzled why they are not grateful to their children no matter how much they pay their hearts and lungs.
In fact, children have cold feelings for their parents, not because their parents do not "love" their children enough, but precisely because you give too much and accept too little.
Paying too much
Raise children into "white-eyed wolves" who can only ask
In the cartoon "Giant Baby", there is a pair of parents who unconditionally satisfy their children.
From a young age, what the child wants, just shout "Mom", and the mother will bring it to him.
Children do not need to study, work, or even eat and shave themselves.
Because as long as he shouts "Mom", his mother will do it for him.
When the father died unexpectedly due to a car accident, the child was not a little sad, and still only watched TV and played games.
This time, his mother had no money to buy him what he wanted, and in the end, she could only take out her bloody kidney and give it to him.
The child exchanged money for VR glasses and indulged in entertainment, but he did not know that his mother on the side had already collapsed in a pool of blood and was silent.
This ironic scene pokes at the sore spot of many families in reality:
Parents give everything and move forward just to let their children live a bright and beautiful life, but the children eventually become cold and selfish "white-eyed wolves".
Educator Makarenko said:
"Giving everything to the child, sacrificing everything, even sacrificing one's own happiness, is the most terrible gift a parent can give to a child."
Remember the international student who cursed his biological father for "insufficient living expenses"?
An ordinary family that pours all its financial resources into sending their children to study abroad.
The father has to give his daughter 11,000 yuan a month with a salary of 13,000, and even then, the daughter has to complain that it is not enough.
When his father confessed that he was under pressure and asked her to be more economical and independent, instead of understanding his father's difficulties, he issued a curse to his biological father.
At the age of 23, she is already an adult daughter, not only has no sense of independence, but also has no sense of gratitude.
When she took her father's hard-earned money and spent it at will, the bitter father even had to live on white porridge and green vegetables.
The so-called "Shengmien, fighting rice hatred", constantly paying and even sacrificing, is not exchanged for equivalent emotional feedback, and even raises children into enemies.
The best gratitude education
It is to accept the child's giving
A few days ago, on Mother's Day, a son in Zhejiang asked his mother what he wanted, and his mother said he didn't want anything.
So the son took it upon himself to buy a bag of flowers to give to his mother as a gift, but his mother accused him of being impractical and asked him to return it.
The son was sad and wept, which made many netizens empathize: how many parents, with accusations and pushbacks, let the child's "love" fall short.
The mom said:
"Mom knows your heart, Mom will tell you if she needs something."
However, in fact, Chinese parents are accustomed to giving, but they never ask for it, or even accept the love given by their children, until they become never giving again.
When I was a child, the child handed over the beloved candy, and the parents said, Mom and Dad don't need it, the baby just eats it.
When he grows up, the child wants to help sweep the floor and choose a dish, and the parents say, you don't have to do this, you just study well.
As one netizen commented:
"My son will never buy you a gift again, really, don't wait until you are old and say that your son is not filial."
In the high-scoring Korean drama "My Dear Friends", the elderly and lonely Grandma Xici is unwilling to ask them for help because she is worried about causing trouble to her son and becoming a burden to her son.
Even though her illness was so severe that she almost went missing, she still wanted to drive away to take care of her young son.
Mothers are often in pain due to illness, and children are deeply guilty for not being able to help their mothers.
The emotion of gratitude is not actually a single arrow for children to point to their parents, but a two-way rush between parents and children.
Only when the path of children's transmission of love is not blocked, the channel connecting parent-child feelings can blossom and flourish.
Educator Wei Shusheng mentioned a small thing in his speech.
Every time I go out with my son, a bag son grabs it and carries it, and two bag sons have one in each hand.
Once there were three bags, he said he had to give his father one this time.
Unexpectedly, my son said, no need, and then one in one hand, one on his back, and three bags and walked forward.
The son gets a sense of accomplishment from the effort, and he calmly follows behind, appreciating the maturity of the child.
I have read a saying that everyone has a small pocket in their hearts, and putting it in is satisfaction, and taking it out is love and happiness.
The process of children's giving is the process of experiencing and understanding love; Parents can catch it, so that the child's love can not fail.
Take a step back
Give children the opportunity to take and give
Wei Shusheng said:
"A child who doesn't know to feel sorry for you since he was a child, how can he feel sorry for more people? People who are not related by blood, he does not know that his heart hurts.
In the end, your child will never be happy for the rest of his life.
Because people's happiness is more generated in feeling sorry for others, caring for others, and doing things for others, children who are accustomed to only pretending to themselves in their hearts are the greatest sorrow of human life. ”
A person's ability to love must be built up when he gives.
As parents, we might as well take a step back and create opportunities for our children to give.
"Lazy" a little
I remember that on the hot search on Weibo before, a little boy complained that his mother was too "lazy".
During the holidays, my mother slept until 11 o'clock when he woke up, while he and his brother got up early to write homework and clean up.
Not only that, he often undertakes housework, cooking and stir-frying.
There is a saying that as long as the mother is lazy enough, the child will come to repay the favor.
How is "laziness" not a kind of educational wisdom?
A home is like a disc, parents fill too full, children will have no room for giving; The parent withdraws his hand so that the child can reach out.
Learn to be "lazy", so that children have the opportunity to go further and gain the ability to "love".
"Weak" a little
Host Wang Fang once fell ill and was hospitalized.
When her daughter came to visit her, she did not look forward and look forward as she imagined, but took her mobile phone in the ward to do her own thing.
She began to reflect that as a mother, she always took on all the problems alone.
This "powerful" makes children feel that they do not need to be taken care of.
So she deliberately showed weakness to her daughter because of this illness, and she told the child that she would be uncomfortable when she was sick and that the operation would hurt.
The daughter revealed the essence of loving her mother, took the initiative to prepare meals for her mother, helped her out of bed, and took care of her mother wholeheartedly.
Educator Lu Qin said:
"A child is needed by others to feel the value of his own life.
A child needs by his parents to feel how much energy his young body contains. ”
If parents are too strong, children lose the feeling of being needed and have no motivation to pay for their parents.
Parents do not need to force themselves to be strong and express their needs truthfully, and children will naturally be considerate of you.
Learn to take
Chinese Jewish mother Sarah Imas, alone with three children, once had a difficult family and made a living selling spring rolls.
Initially, like many mothers who are dedicated to their children, no matter how hard and tired she is, she is as willing as a glutton.
Set up stalls every day, take care of the children's food and living, and do all the housework, so that the children can only study well.
Until one day, the three children sat as usual waiting for their mother to call them to open a meal, and a neighbor's words woke her up:
"There are no parents in the world who do not love their children, but to love children, we must have a measure, a principle, and a method."
So she began to let her children sell spring rolls together, set up a duty schedule for the children to do housework, and changed from a enjoyer to a giver.
With this education, the three children became billionaires and excellent diplomats, growing up filial and excellent.
Salad says:
"Chinese parents give their children not too little, but too much, and they can't bear to let them experience the difficulties of life from an early age, and they don't know how to ask them at the right time, so they end up with their children having a lifetime of hardship and asking them for a lifetime."
Letting children undertake housework seems to be the selfishness of parents, but it can enable children to establish a sense of independence, learn a sense of responsibility, feel the hard work of parents, and breed feelings of love.
Behind those children who love their parents, there are parents who know how to love.
Writer Bi Shumin said:
"Parents all over the world, if you love your child, you must let him start to love you and the people around you when he can.
This is not adult selfishness, but foresight for the sake of the child. ”
Only a child who loves his parents and others can finally be filled with his heart and achieve happiness; Be self-reliant and independent, and live happily.
And letting children learn to love is the lesson of parenthood.
You take a step back, and the child can go further; You learn to accept, and the child knows how to give.
Hide your love for your child by 50 points, and believe that your child will love you more.