Taking care of the feelings of others is a good quality and a sign that we have others in our hearts.
Just overly caring for other people's feelings, who will take care of our feelings?
Junjun, due to depression problems and interpersonal problems, came to psychological counseling.
Her depression, which appeared during adolescence, eased in college and worsened when she joined the workforce.
She often felt inexplicably depressed and depressed. She is sensitive, has low self-esteem, encounters sad things, hears sad songs, sees sad novels, easily brings herself in, and can't get out for a long time.
The emotions of the people around her affect her more: when others are sad, she will be uncomfortable, want to comfort but don't know what to say, and often blame herself for this; When others are unhappy, she will feel guilty, worried that she has caused herself, and wondered if she did not do a good job...
Outsiders see her quiet, introverted, and submissive, and she sees her own suppressed and strong emotions - always worried that her performance is not good enough and hurt the feelings of others; questioning oneself, self-blame, frustration, depression; Excessive introspection, tiredness, do not want to go to work, do not want to see people; I want to pause my reflection, and I blame myself, I feel that I am evasive, selfish, indifferent...
Consultant: Xu Wenjiao
[Affirm that due to the principle of confidentiality of psychological counseling, the relevant information of visitors has been processed with necessary technology. 】
Mother-daughter symbiotic relationship
Junjun cares very much about the feelings of others and is sensitive to the emotional changes of others, which is related to her relationship with her mother.
Junjun's mother grew up in a patriarchal family and was neglected from an early age. After getting married and having children, she often lamented the misfortune of her fate in front of her husband and children, longing to be noticed and loved.
Unfortunately, her husband worked in a foreign country all year round, and Junjun's mother could only cry to Junjun about her husband's lack of concern for her, childhood misfortune, and marriage misfortune, often saying "If it weren't for giving birth to you, I would have divorced your father a long time ago, and I would have been able to live a better life a long time ago, how could I stay here and suffer"...
Before going to go to college abroad, Junjun was sensible and well-behaved, felt sorry for his mother, lived and slept with his mother, and took care of his mother everywhere.
"I always felt that my mother was pitiful, no one felt sorry for her, I should feel more sorry for her. When she was sad, I wanted to comfort her, but my comfort was useless. When I grew up, I often suspected that I was a person who would not comfort people, a useless person. I could only cry with her, and the mother and daughter held the headache and cried. I hated my father and thought he was selfish and didn't care about my mother. ”
When taking care of his mother's feelings, Junjun became a container for his mother's emotions, and also inadvertently suppressed his true feelings.
Adolescence, a critical period for the development of self-awareness, Junjun has the germ of self-awareness, but the emotional needs of the mother squeeze the space for Junjun's self-development. Junjun began to experience depressive symptoms.
After joining the work, Junjun's pattern of relationship with her mother was reproduced in her interpersonal relationships with other people, leading to her depression and interpersonal trouble.
Psychoanalysis – projective identity
During his childhood and adolescence, Junjun has always been in a symbiotic relationship with his mother, becoming a derivative of his mother's own body, and has not differentiated into independent individuals. The mother does not see her daughter as an independent individual, but only her own sorrow and misfortune.
No matter what comfort her daughter did, the mother did not really see or receive it, she was still in her own world, longing for her feelings to be heard, recognized, and understood.
In this process, Junjun felt his mother's strong need to be recognized, so he slowly learned to suppress his true feelings, fully identify with his mother's feelings, stay in his mother's feelings, and maintain complete consistency with his mother.
This involves the process of "projective identity". Projective identity, first used by Klein as a way of describing the interaction between infants and mothers, is also a primitive defense mechanism.
Projective identity is an extremely complex concept, here is briefly, projective identity is a model of interpersonal interaction in which person A induces another person B to act or react emotionally in a limited way. It takes place between two people and requires the "projection" of one party A and the "identity" of the other B.
In between, there is an inducing component - A induces or stimulates B, so that B can make some established response, so as to achieve the purpose of alleviating A's pain. For example, the mother keeps the child loyal, identifying, or attached to the mother by making the child feel guilty. And the child does not know this.
In projective identity, B is forced to react to A's projective fantasies, unknowingly, becoming a reservoir for A's feelings and inner appearances, forced to align with the feelings released by A.
In the relationship with his mother, Junjun quickly accepted and identified with his mother's projection, consistent with his mother's feelings.
When she grew up, she also quickly captured and identified with the emotions of the people around her and even the characters in film and television novels, and immediately got involved in it, producing a strong sense of empathy, and couldn't tell whether it was someone else's feeling or her own, so it was difficult to come out quickly.
When aware of their projective identity, the analysis of projective fantasy, identity, and conflict patterns, and realize that projective identity is a "game" that can only be completed by two people, if one party does not project, or the other party does not agree, the projective identity will fail, and the game will not continue.
Therefore, when Junjun faces the projection of his mother and others, he can distinguish which are the projections of others and which are his own things, he is free and independent, he can choose to identify or not to agree, he has more choices and more flexible coping methods, and he will no longer respond in the original fixed way (suppressing himself and catering to others).
Self-growth – differentiation and guilt
Being in a symbiotic relationship with his mother and becoming a container for his mother's emotions, Junjun's own emotions and needs are put on the back burner. Excessive consideration of other people's feelings and lack of opportunity to take care of one's own feelings and needs.
To grow up, you need to learn to differentiate yourself from your mother. But the separation from the mother is not an easy task. As mentioned earlier, in projective identity, the mother keeps the child loyal, identified or attached to the mother by making the child feel guilty.
"I couldn't leave my mother alone, I couldn't say anything about her, and as soon as she said it, she cried and cried badly. At that time I felt good and bad, I hurt her, I shouldn't have done that to her, it was all my fault. ”
The mother's self-pity made Junjun strongly identify; The fragility of his mother made Junjun feel a strong sense of guilt, feeling that he had hurt his mother. A sense of identity that prompted her to stand in her mother's camp; A sense of guilt that prevents her from leaving, having two hearts. In this way, it seems that she can only remain consistent with her mother.
As mentioned earlier, "identity" is the mother's need for the child's identity. So, what about "guilt"?
Let's take a look first, is the mother's situation really all due to the outside world and others? Does she also have her own acquired needs?
◎ There are two points that constitute self-pity: one is "my situation is very bad", and the other is "I am passive and helpless, everything is to blame others and the outside world, and I should not be responsible for this".
When a person does not indulge in self-pity, takes responsibility for what happened to him, and can explain the facts from a positive perspective, he will naturally seek a solution.
So, in a way, the mother of the junjun needs the guilt of her children and husbands to make them responsible for their own pain, not for their own pain.
Junjun unknowingly played this mental game with his mother. If Junjun continues to feel guilty about her mother, the game will continue, which will not benefit her or her mother's growth and happiness.
Self-growth – differentiation and independence
Similarly, when we are overly responsible for the lives of our parents and others, and confuse others with ourselves, are we also evading responsibility for our own lives?
Become an independent person - responsible for yourself, have a stable self, have your own emotions, emotions, needs and desires, know who you are, what you want to be, and what you can become. These tasks are required to be completed during the stage of self-identity development in adolescence.
"My mother didn't ask me to be who I was, and I didn't know what she wanted me to be, but I was still afraid to disappoint her and make her unhappy. If she's not happy, it seems to be my problem, it's that I'm not doing well enough. ”
Junjun was busy taking care of his mother's emotions during adolescence, and his self-space was always occupied and squeezed by his mother, resulting in Junjun's self-identity and emotional regulation ability not developing well.
At this time, an object that can give good feedback and accept her, for example, a very inclusive lover or psychological counselor, like a good parent, can give her space to grow, allow her to pursue self-development, accompany her to explore herself, accommodate the "bad" part that she can't bear, she will build a good and relatively stable self step by step, emotional control and interpersonal relationships will be more stable.
Xu Wenjiao
・Listen about it Counseling Center - Senior Counselor
National second-level psychological counselor
Sandbox game consultant
Member of the Professional Committee of Psychological Counselors of Guangdong Mental Health Association
Member of Guangdong Psychological Society
Member of the Psychoanalytic Professional Committee
Psychological consultant of the "Rights Protection Service Station" of the Guangdong Provincial Women's Federation