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In today's society, the first problem that college students face after graduation is employment, and one of the most favorite questions for interviewers is: Are you an only child?
Why is this question asked, because in people's stereotypes, only children are spoiled and selfish. Although it is a stereotype, it does reflect a relatively common phenomenon of only children: egoism formed after long-term coddling. Since the opening of China's family planning policy, the topic of only children and non-only children has been controversial, and the number of only children in China is currently close to 200 million, and the biggest dilemma they face is: how happy childhood is, how bitter it is when they become adults.
Now many post-00s and post-90s are the only seedlings in the family, which means that they grew up in a pampered environment, and there is nothing wrong with pampering, but if they are too spoiled, they will become spoiled. Children who grow up in a doting environment are actually very fragile inside, unreasonable on the surface, very strong, and only to grab more attention from others.
Mature parents understand that the flowers in the greenhouse cannot take risks alone when they grow up, so they will also know how to refuse in the face of their children's unreasonable trouble. And the reason for the coddling, we can learn in Wu Zhihong's work "Why Home Hurts People".
Traditional psychology believes that coddling is giving too much love to a child. And from this book, we can understand that coddling happens to be because of the "lack of love", and everyone has two "I" in their hearts, one is the inner "parent" and the other is the inner "child".
The former is the idealization of existing parents, and when we become parents, the inner "parents" come into play, and this idealized "parents" become ourselves. The inner "child" is our idealization of our childhood, and some children who are unfortunate in childhood will make up for the lack of heart through the inner "child".
Especially when we have children, we project our inner "children" onto them. At this time, the problem arises, the child is an independent individual, and their needs are often different from those of our childhood.
And the parents who dot on their children will "project" too much from the inner child, unrestrainedly satisfy what the child thinks is right, and ignore the child's real needs, so why do we coax the child, they are still sitting on the floor, wow and cry, unreasonable.
Our inner "child" is too short of love, so there is no way to give this love to the child, only coddling, the difference between true love and coddling is that true love is the love given after fully understanding the child, and coddling is self-righteous love. Coddling is always exchanged for superficial happiness.
We often see many arranged parents, like a college entrance examination drama that was very popular before, Lin Miaomiao's family in "Young Pie", Lin Miaomiao is also an only child. Her mother was a typical arranged parent who had to think of everything for the only daughter.
In school, Wang Shengnan did not give Lin Miaomiao "independent space", Lin Miaomiao complained that "can you have a little of your own life, as if there is nothing else in your world except me", Wang Shengnan's educational philosophy is very clear, that is, "my mother thinks that what is good for you is right", Lin Miaomiao is quite tolerant of her mother, because she also has a very wise father. Otherwise I want to grow up in this environment and finish things without going crazy.
There is also a type of parent called "flattering personality" parents, and the children educated by this type of person are generally "flattering personality". The only child, in particular, is perfectly inherited from the way parents please others. Without siblings, their relationships get worse.
The same is the child who grew up in a doting environment, this kind of child grows up to be really bitter, and the child who grows up in the arranged environment may be unreasonable, may be very selfish and annoying, but he can at least express his emotions. And children who grow up in a flattering environment often suppress their emotions, and outsiders will always say: You see how much your parents love you, why are you still so ignorant?
They also feel that this is the case, and they will also feel that they are arrogant and feel that it is their fault. This sense of guilt will also deepen their sense of inferiority. The pine nuts in "The Life of the Rejected Pine Nuts" are typical flattering personalities, who live their entire lives to please others, and in the end, he chooses to end his life.
Children with flattering personalities have never faced the real needs of the heart, they did grow up in a doting environment, but this love is fake, they have never been well loved, because their parents often do not have "self", which also determines that they can not form a "self" in interpersonal relationships, without an independent self how to give love to others.
Spoiled children are loveless, their real needs are not met, then in adulthood will be crazy to make up, arranged parents brought up children, will become more and more pampered, selfish. Even if they are successful in their studies, mature and stable on the surface, and well-informed, they are only carrying a layer of tools. The real ones are still selfish.
And the children brought up by the pleasing personality parents, although many times they are pandering to others, but they are against their own instincts, this selfishness, will be brought into the intimate relationship, how good to outsiders, how vicious to intimate lovers and friends, this indifference, this ruthlessness, will always be left to the most loved ones.
How "happy" childhood is, how "bitter" it is when you grow up, the happiness here is in quotation marks, just the appearance of happiness, those children who are really happy in childhood, have a common feature, that is, parents attach importance to their feelings and needs. When a child cries, he ignores it, is it really right? If the child falls, let him get up on his own, can it really make him stronger?
Everyone is a first-time parent, and I am not saying that this way is wrong, but it is only to seriously understand the needs of children and give them the love they want. Of course, this is difficult, and if we have suffered from severe emotional neglect in childhood, then we will pass this neglect to our children as adults.
There is a word in psychology called intergenerational inheritance, which means that parents intentionally (or unintentionally) pass on their own behaviors, ways of thinking, etc. to their children, so that children in some cases show similar behaviors or ways of thinking to their parents, in intimate relationships, if love can be shared, then pain is also, pain is also a way of love, and the pain we have suffered will be unconsciously brought to the next generation.
Of course, intergenerational inheritance is not immutable, we can save ourselves and heal the hurt of childhood, which requires a lot of effort. I hope that from now on, my only child will have the courage to face problems independently and harvest true happiness.
- The End -
Author | Tommy
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参考资料：Sorce JF, Emde RN, Campos JJ, Klinnert MD. Maternal emotional signaling: Its effect on the visual cliff behavior of one-year-olds. Developmental Psychology. 1985; 21:195– 200.10.1037/0012-1649.21.1.195
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