The famous "Stockdale Paradox" goes something like this:
Never expect too much from someone about something.
Because the higher a person's expectation value, the greater the disappointment value, once the ending does not go according to people's wishes, the psychology will have a huge sense of gap.
You know, once people's psychology has a psychological gap, emotions are easy to fall into the freezing point, and then feel afraid, dazed, and bitter.
Over time, this psychological harm caused by psychological emotions will make you fall into the trough of life, invisibly brewing tragedy.
Sanmao said:
"If you expect too much, it's not good!" What you have to bear is your own future and mood, and who can really share it? ”
In life, what you have to do is to live well, work well, pursue the future well, and create a good mood.
Instead of forcing yourself to do things that are beyond your own capabilities, or always fantasizing about everything with super high expectations.
1: Don't overestimate any relationships
At present, many people, whether they are going to school, work, or have problems at home, like to find someone to deal with.
If you feel that you have a "high person", then the hukou problem encountered in school can be easily solved;
Think that you have a relationship, then the problem of work, as long as you have a network, any problem will be solved;
Also in the family encountered difficulties, thinking that they have other relatives who are better off than themselves, ask them for advice or help, the problem can be completely solved.
But in fact, we need to understand that our actual position in the hearts of others is always much lower than the position we expect.
Especially when we do encounter some problems or encounter some difficulties, the anxious mentality, and we who are in a passive position, are already in a disadvantaged position.
If at this time, you still blindly think that you can get through the sadness through the help of others, in fact, you are overestimating your relationship with the other party.
Yu Guangzhong said this:
"Anticipation is a kind of half-awake and half-crazy burning, making the anxious soul hallucinate that it lives in the future."
Living to a certain age, especially in middle age, we must at least understand one truth:
It is a kind of affection for others to help you, and it is a duty for others not to help.
No one in this world owes you, and it cannot always be.
Your expectations are likely to be nothing more than a crazy and ignorant imagination of the self, or even an illusion that does not exist.
The reason why many people have lived in grief and pain all their lives is that they feel that this world is completely different from the world they think.
He wants this world, and this earth revolves around him, let alone anyone else?
So, once someone disobeys him, or denies him, even if it is only a very normal rejection of him, he will feel that the world is too dark, human nature is too selfish, and life is too difficult.
In fact, is the world dark, human nature selfish, life too difficult, or are you too fragile? Too incompetent? Too naïve?
If you encounter a problem, you expect the people around you to take the initiative to help, and when you encounter troubles, you expect the people around you to solve them.
Then, such a life is actually a vain life, a life that is ignorant and wastes life.
Therefore, instead of overestimating your relationship with others, you should act directly on your own.
As Blake put it:
"The kind of people who expect and never act are breeding grounds for the plague."
Over time, when you develop a habit of relying on your own actions and self-execution to solve everything, it can make you go farther and farther and more confident.
Instead of suffering more troubles, disappointments and regrets because of excessive expectations, it is better to take the initiative to reduce expectations, stop overestimating their relationships with others, and let themselves truly become independent.
2: Pessimism also has benefits
People not only have optimistic emotions, but also pessimistic emotions.
However, too many people, in order to suppress pessimism and promote optimism, simply blindly abandon pessimism, thinking that it is a scourge and a bane.
In fact, there are two sides to everything, just as no matter how perfect a person is, there will always be shortcomings.
The existence of this shortcoming, just like the existence of pessimism, is actually very natural and very normal.
A person who is truly strong in his heart will never feel inferior, doubtful or bitter because of a moment of pessimism and shortcomings.
Because of their inner strength, they have long been brave enough to face everything honestly, boldly accept everything, and calmly change everything that should be changed.
Why is pessimism here, and there are benefits?
Because a person, if he is too optimistic, is easy to appear lofty and unrealistic, and it is easy to fall into an unreal environment of pride and complacency, so even if he breeds disasters, he does not know it.
And a person who is a little pessimistic, pays attention to reality, does things cautiously, is careful for people, and will not take things lightly until things are accomplished.
Bennett once said:
"When you get used to being pessimistic, it's as pleasant as optimism."
When a person is accustomed to pessimism, then this pessimistic choice is actually not a pessimistic charm.
Because they lower their expectations in optimism and add calmness to pessimism, such a mature and stable style can avoid more disasters.
Therefore, moderate pessimism is of great benefit to you, to life, and even to life.
Qian Zhongshu said a thought-provoking passage:
"There are only two kinds of people in the world: for example, when a bunch of grapes arrives, one chooses the best to eat first, and the other leaves the best last.
As a rule, the first kind of person should be optimistic, because every time he eats one of the best grapes left;
The second type of person should be pessimistic, because every time he eats one, he is the worst of the leftover grapes.
But in fact, it is counterproductive, because the second kind of hope, the first kind of people only have memories. ”
Life is impermanent, and if you want to avoid disappointment, loss and pain as much as possible, you must learn to lower your expectations.
Just as when you see a bunch of grapes, if you regard it as delicious and precious, you will naturally value it.
Therefore, the seemingly pessimistic person will be willing to eat the worst grape, but in fact, he has already harvested a good hope.
The same is true of life, if you blindly enjoy the present and look forward to enjoying the future, you have long abandoned the core of hard work, diligence and struggle.
Then, the expected future will not come, and everything you expect will be disappointed.
This is the cruelty of reality.
This is also why Zeng Guofan would say:
"Teenagers cannot withstand good times, middle-aged people cannot experience idleness, and old age cannot withstand adversity."
People, only in their youth, have been polished by adversity, not in good times, and only in middle age have they carried the tempering of hardships, rather than indulging in idleness.
In this way, in the later years of life, we can withstand adversity and withstand the wind and frost of the years.
3: Lower expectations
In life, you are responsible for breaking, giving up, and leaving.
Cut off all unnecessary thoughts, you can truly live in the moment and enjoy the beauty of the moment;
Give up all the illusions that should not exist, you can live in the real world, know what you live for;
Without all the expectations that should not be there, you will be willing to work hard in real life for the real life.
Appropriately lower your desires, lower your expectations, no longer let yourself waste your mood in vain, and no longer let yourself live in the confusion of anxiety.
In this way, we will build a strong heart and actively strive to become an economically independent, personality independent, and spiritually independent person.
Guoxue master Nan Huaijin said:
"We now see this world of birth, old age, sickness, death, impermanence, suffering, emptiness, and selflessness, a shadow.
You don't see that behind these phenomena are constant, blissful, self- and pure. ”
Life is impermanent, may you and I both lower unnecessary expectations, and then find the true meaning of life, return to life, and live a contented, pure, pure life.
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