How do you "deal" with toxic parents?

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The word "toxic" is often used to describe a person who may act in a way that harms others. Their repeated negative behaviors or speeches may cause stress or anxiety to others.

You may have met people with these "toxic" traits at work, in intimate relationships, or in friends around you, but what happens when they become parents?

"Toxic" traits can be subtle and difficult to identify, especially if you're closely related to the person. However, knowing how to identify these traits can help you learn to cope with them.

Below, Professor Rong Xinqi, a new concept psychology expert, will take a look at it with you, what are the performances of toxic parents? How do you "deal" with them?

How to identify bad behavior of parents?

Identifying bad behavior from parents can not be easy. First, it might be more helpful to understand how interacting with them might make you feel.

If interactions with your parents make you feel:

Feeling confused and uncertain about yourself;

In a way it's not good for yourself;

Constantly being judged and denied;

Guilt for saying "no";

exhausted, angry, or overwhelmed;

It's like you're not being respected;

It's like you're being manipulated;

Need to change your perceptions and behaviors;

You are often around them like "walking on a tightrope", worried.

What are the common characteristics of toxic parents?

Understanding how your parents are feeling to you is a good first step. But there are also some toxicity features you can look out for, such as:

They may be manipulative and controlling;

They may criticize you, your choices, and your lifestyle;

It may be difficult to emotionally separate yourself from them, make your own choices or set your own goals;

They may constantly judge you and the people in your life, such as friends or others;

They may seem too much needy;

They may not think of themselves as the problem, and they may say that the problem is with you or someone else in your life.

9 Tips for Dealing with Toxic Parents

If you find some of these harmful traits in your parents, there are ways to deal with these behaviors. Consider trying the following strategies:

1. Stop trying to please them

It's normal to want parental approval, but it seems impossible to please parents who have bad behavior. Remember, this is your life, and you can make your own choices and do things that make you feel good. Living according to other people's values and goals can make you feel unhappy and dissatisfied.

You may find yourself constantly seeking approval from your parents and others – relying on them to determine and validate your self-worth.

Reflection Questions:

What do you do to please your parents, even if it doesn't work well for you?

If your parents don't agree, what do you need to do for yourself?

2. Set and enforce boundaries

Boundaries help us set clear expectations and limits on how others treat us. They can help create emotional and physical space between you and your parents.

This may not be something you had as a kid, so setting boundaries and starting to tell your parents "how you want to be treated" can feel uncomfortable.

It can be difficult to draw a line with people who have bad behavior. They may not respect the restrictions, but try not to let that stop you. Boundaries are essential to building and maintaining healthy relationships. Remember that contact with parents can be limited and say "no" to them.

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, even in parent-child relationships. When they repeatedly treat you badly, it is difficult for you to respect them.

Reflection Questions:

What boundaries do you need to have with your parents?

What steps can you take to set these boundaries?

3. Don't try to change them

Trying to change people who don't want to change can make you feel frustrated and overwhelmed. Instead, try to focus on things you can control, like how you respond to your parents, your choices, and your behavior.

Reflection Questions:

How do you try to change or fix your parents?

How do you feel when you can't change them?

As for your relationship with your parents, what can you control?

4. Pay attention to what you share with them

Trust is a key element of a healthy relationship, so consider sharing your personal life and emotions only with people who have proven to be trustworthy.

Your parents may not fall into this category if they: berate gossip about you, criticize you, say things about you to others without your permission, use what you tell them against you, etc.

You're not obligated to tell them everything (or anything) going on in your life or answer their questions, and you can just share with them what you feel comfortable and safe with.

Reflection Questions:

What is safe to share with parents?

What does it feel unsafe to share?

5. Understand your parents' limitations and address them (provided you want to)

If you know your parents become forgetful, grumpy, or otherwise difficult after a certain time of day, try planning your work and various schedules earlier in the day to avoid their worst behavior.

For some, this may be an effective coping strategy, but you don't have to plan your life around your parents.

If this works for you, you can address their limitations. For example, you can go home early when you're out for a party in the evening to avoid being criticized and nagged by your parents for returning late.

Reflection Questions:

Is there a way for you to bypass the restrictions of your parents?

Do these compromises really work for you? If not, what changes do you need to make?

6. Develop an exit strategy

When things start to get worse, take it as a hint that you're leaving, if conditions permit, or ask your parents to leave. Staying there will only escalate the situation and make it worse.

On the first sign of trouble, it may be safer to stay away from each other and give each other some space. You don't have to "don't care" insistence on being polite or making your parents happy.

Reflection Questions:

How to get out of the predicament of parents?

What if I can't leave my parents or get rid of my parents?

7. Don't try to reason with them

It's hard to reason with people who exhibit bad behavior.

Try to be confident in the issues you care about, but be aware that your parents may not understand your point of view. Try not to get dragged into arguments that can turn into abusive and other disrespectful behavior.

Remember, you don't have to argue with your parents about a merit, you can opt out of the argument.

Reflection Questions:

What do you do when your parents can't see your point of view or aren't interested in your point of view?

How do you deal with it when you feel like you can't talk to your parents?

8. You don't have to be available for your parents

People with bad behavior may be too needy for help. If it works and is appreciated, you can help them. But you're under no obligation to be their driver or servant, especially when they've been treating you badly.

You don't have to be on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and if you're busy or don't have time right now, you can choose to answer the phone later or respond to their messages.

Reflection Questions:

How can your parents take advantage of your kindness and expect you to be ready to meet their requests?

9. Take care of yourself

"Dealing" with toxic parents can be stressful, and this stress can have serious and long-term effects on your physical and mental health.

Therefore, it is crucial to take care of yourself. From now on, start with little things, such as:

A balanced diet;

Get quality sleep;

Exercise regularly;

Connect with positive people;

Acknowledge your feelings and give them a healthy outlet;

Ask for support and help, etc.

Reflection Questions:

How do you feel?

What do you need now?

How can you give yourself more of what you need?

Changing your relationship with toxic parents can be tough because it destroys the status quo, but you can change it slowly. Of course, your parents will naturally resist the changes you're trying to make.

Transitions can be difficult and stressful, but drawing boundaries with your parents can help build and maintain healthier relationships. You are the only one who can change your relationship with your parents, and you can start now.

If you're not sure if your parents have bad behavior, you can seek advice from a counselor. They may help you discern your parents' "toxic behavior" and help you.

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