College students read at night
Have you ever had someone who was once very close?
The people who have seen you like, the people with whom you have hundreds of pages of chat history, the people who allow you to unbridledly unload negative emotions.
But then they all silently drifted away, becoming either clear or vague, and dispensable part of the memory.
You may say that each other's experiences are different, the circles are different, the views are naturally different, and they slowly fade. But, is it possible that it is not that we have gone far, but that we are too close.
The ancients said: "Gentlemen are mediocre, and gentlemen are in the middle of time." "I often crave a "just right" relationship, a relationship that is just right and unbiased. Neither overly dependent nor alienated, it is a distance that makes the other party and yourself comfortable.
01
"I want to find someone who loves me but doesn't necessarily love me very much."
An inadvertent sentence in the variety show was like a stone smashed into Xiao Wei's heart, and the seemingly calm memories rippled layer by layer. When Xiao Zhang separated from her, he also said to her, I'm sorry, you are fine, but I want to find someone who doesn't love me so much.
"Loving me doesn't necessarily love me very much." A seemingly contradictory statement represents a comfortable view of love.
Xiao Wei and Xiao Zhang are college classmates, Xiao Wei is gentle and considerate, caring for friends and partners, Xiao Zhang is mature and introverted, warm and generous.
When they first got together, the two understood and respected each other, and their feelings were relatively stable. Although Xiao Zhang's life began to be constrained by Xiao Wei and lost some of her freedom, Xiao Zhang thought that this was just a "sweet annoyance".
However, as the interaction time becomes longer, Xiao Wei's desire for control is getting stronger and stronger, and she always thinks of interfering in Xiao Zhang's life, thinking that the lives of the two should be completely overlapped.
No matter when and where, the message must be returned in seconds, even in a school, every night to video for a long time, as long as Xiao Zhang has free time must accompany her. And Xiao Wei herself is the same, even skipping class and going out with Xiao Zhang, and these bring only pressure and guilt to Xiao Zhang.
Xiao Zhang also expressed his thoughts to Xiao Wei, feeling that two people should have an independent space to get along, and they should not give up their original lives because of each other.
But Xiaowei believes that this is an expression of love, a reasonable desire to share between partners, "because I love you, I want to give up my life and enter your life." ”
Sometimes Xiao Zhang family has some private affairs that he wants to overcome on his own, and Xiao Wei must know all the things about Xiao Zhang, thinking that there should be no secrets between the closest people.
Over time, Xiao Zhang was exhausted in order to satisfy Xiao Wei, and the quality of life and learning declined, and finally the two could only be separated.
In a healthy love, you should not give up your own good qualities in order to cater to the other party. Excessive attachment, too close to each other will make each other's path narrower, thus losing the qualities that the other person makes us appreciate. If our love can erode the beautiful qualities of independence and freedom, then it must also erode our love itself.
02
"Later I learned that every relationship needs to be maintained with heart, love is, friendship is also"
Wen Wen and Xiaoting were inseparable friends in high school, and later the two went to two cities far away, one in the south and one in the north, because they were admitted to different universities.
The physical distance did not alienate them, but the distance in their hearts was far away.
In college, Jiajia still had to talk to Xiaoting about every little thing like high school, completely disregarding whether Xiaoting was busy or not. Often when Xiaoting was very tired, he also dragged her video until midnight, and even asked Xiaoting to make a plane to her city on weekends to see her.
In her heart, Xiaoting is her best girlfriend, and she has long regarded Xiaoting as a family member, so she thinks that Xiaoting should always empathize with all her joys and sorrows.
Therefore, she will unscrupulously release her emotions in front of her, and forget to consider Xiaoting's feelings, and even take Xiaoting's efforts for granted.
It seems that shoulder to shoulder has always been more enduring than hand in hand, and we stand side by side, born to the sun, walking equally in the breeze. This is fifteen or sixteen years old, we are sharing each other's lives, because at that time we resonated on the same frequency and were in the same boat. Encourage and support each other because they have common goals and similar life trajectories.
Fifteen or sixteen-year-olds have faith support, common dreams connect with each other, and under the supervision of desperate goals, we are neither too close to each other to breathe, nor alienated.
Later, we realized our common dream, but we lost the people who accompanied us to realize our dreams.
03
"You really worked hard, but I also grew up"
Have you ever hated your parents, and when did you start thinking your parents were getting older?
In my third year of high school, because my home was far away, in order to save time, I chose to live in the school, but my mother was worried that the school meals were not nutritious and would often come to bring me meals. My mother couldn't drive, and she had to biking a long distance to get to my school, and it took me a long time to get out of the classroom to get my meal.
I had persuaded her many times, but every time my mother would come again out of fear. I'm grateful, but more than grateful is guilt.
So on countless nights when I was anxious about my studies, I would toss and turn and think of my mother riding a bicycle and a meal in a simple incubator, so that I regretted my mistakes even more, and hated my incompetence, even if it was just an ordinary test.
Luckily, I went to a nice college. But my mother still supervises and "protects" me as she did in high school, reporting to her every day on her study plans.
My mother filled my meal card and paid for my tuition, and I never had the power to dispose of money. Therefore, even if I went to college, I still had no concept of money, and my self-management ability was even inferior to that of middle school students.
That time, the school had to pay insurance, because in high school, my mother helped me do this. For a while, I was at a loss, I obviously paid the money but the system did not show it, but I did not even have the courage to ask the counselor myself. Instead, I called my mother as I had done many times before.
My mother did not ask for my opinion and immediately called the class teacher. The head teacher, a responsible and patient old leader, calmly explained the incident to his mother and did not mention anything to me.
But when I think back to the trust and kindness of the class teacher, I still have a wave of unwarranted guilt. When I think back to the teacher's story about the case that I once brought with me that the students' self-care ability is extremely poor, I will still fidget, feel ashamed and angry, and unconsciously sit in the right seat.
In the phone call with my mother, I talked about it and asked my mother why I was so humiliated. Who knows, my mother actually said, if I really don't care, you know in your own heart whether you can do it or not.
Er, I remembered in my head that my elementary school mother took me word for word to review the first place. I recall the meals that I didn't need in high school but I accepted them all. I recall that I couldn't deposit or withdraw money, but my mother was happy to help me get it done.
I even thought about the many years to come, when things were not going well at work, when I was with my partner and even starting a family, I had to be close to my mother, and even if both parties were exhausted, we were not willing to let go of the game.
Do I really want to be independent, can I really do it. My mother's years of everything have formed a comfort zone, and I, although I hate its existence, am hesitant to jump out of the comfort zone.
"Mom, although you are really hard and I am grateful, I have really grown up."
Sometimes the excessive care of parents is not only not conducive to the growth of children, but also becomes a burden, not only the child will have rebellious thoughts at a certain stage, but also make him become overly dependent and difficult to be independent.
In life, people are social animals that require emotional dependence and the establishment of intimate relationships to be sustained. But at the same time, everyone is an independent individual, so the distance in the intimate relationship is both complex and important, and a "just right" distance is the premise of a healthy relationship.
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END
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The author | Xu Xinyi
Editor| Yang Qinyu
Review | Wang Longlong
Review | Wang CenYu
This article is original by Qingxiaoxiao (ID: zqwqxx).
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