One
I have always told people that the right companionship before the age of three is very important, even if I am very busy now, I will take the initiative to adjust the rhythm of work to accompany the little pudding.
If the family has limited funds, it is a more cost-effective deal to give the child what early education class to apply for, and the money from the enlightenment class to share the mother's housework tasks, so that the mother has time to accompany the child happily.
Because I have already raised a child between them, and in the process of growing up, I have not learned the content of developmental psychology, so now with a small pudding, it is much easier than before, less anxious, I will be more patient to identify the signals sent by the child.
For example, when he cries, if it is only the voice of "kaka" at the beginning, then his crying is actually hoping to be soothed, indicating that he is not so angry, and the voice of "kaka" is calling people.
If he pronounces "hengheng, henghengheng" when he cries, it means that he has an appeal that has not been understood, and he is a little anxious;
If he's crying, either the signal he's sent before hasn't been received and he's really annoyed; or it's accompanied by an event that mixes with other emotions, such as pain, or fear.
Based on his cry, I would identify the triggers behind him and try to decode the signals he sent me.
But the same little pudding cried, and the aunt would say: Man don't cry! Man can't cry!
I would tell my aunt that a man can also cry, for a child who can't speak, crying is a signal, and for a talking child, the process of crying contains their emotions.
A newborn baby, whether hungry, hot or sick and unwell, crying is his only way of expression, sometimes we need to spend a lot of effort to find the reason for his crying and soothe him, this initial connection with the caregiver through the feeling will gradually make the child understand, although the current feeling is uncomfortable, but there will be someone to comfort themselves to make the situation better, which lays a good foundation for the child to deal with emotional problems.
But if you simply and rudely tell him not to cry, not only will the problem not be solved, but also the child will not be able to correctly recognize the emotions.
Children continue to grow, he will encounter more situations, produce more emotions, 2 or 3 years old children may be because their beloved toys were snatched away by others and cry sadly, 4, 5 years old just others than their own literacy, running faster they will be sullen, 6, 7 years old in the face of teachers to criticize the ridicule of classmates will make them more anxious and painful.
Or the trivialities of life make us have no time to take care of the child's emotions, or out of the original intention of love, we desperately hope that the child can be happy, when they express these emotions, we blindly say "it's okay, the mother will give you a better toy" "This is sad, no big deal", we think he will immediately forget the unhappy things to return to "normal", but those feelings that are denied and ignored do not disappear, they just continue to hide in the body in a different way, accumulating.
Studies have shown that the cause of depression in adults is often not what they experienced at the time, but their emotions in childhood are not well accepted and comforted in the parent-child relationship.
Two
When I was playing outdoors with a small pudding, I often saw the following phenomenon:
When the child accidentally fell to the ground on a scooter and then cried, the adult quickly ran over and said, "Be brave, it's okay, be strong", or try to use the bird in the tree to divert his attention and make him forget the pain just now
Children play with other children, when others want children's toys and children cry and don't give, adults slightly complained: "Why are you so stingy, toys can be shared with everyone to play together";
When the child gathers with the elders and persuades the child several times not to open his mouth, the adult is embarrassed to complain that the child is not polite and does not understand things;
In fact, there is really no need to label children so much, what an adult really wants to do is to help children recognize their emotions and recognize the trigger events behind emotions.
Just like the example at the beginning, crying after falling down may be a disappointment that you can't grasp the balance, not wanting to share toys may be afraid of losing your beloved, not calling an elder may be due to the tension of facing strangers, and when the child is emotionally frustrated and needs comfort, we turn a blind eye again and again, which will make the child feel that his feelings are not important, and over time he will become a person who suppresses his emotions.
But emotions are not mixing stations, they only have the main volume. You cannot downplay sadness and pain and reinforce happiness and joy. You just have to turn down one emotion and all the emotions will be lowered at the same time.
So when children encounter emotional problems, tell them to express them bravely, in "Orchids and Dandelions", author Tom Boyce talked about an experiment, they gave each child who experienced the earthquake a box of crayons and a stack of paper, asked the children to "draw a picture of the earthquake", and later found that those children who portrayed the earthquake as terrible and depressed were relatively healthy in the weeks after the earthquake, and those who portrayed the earthquake as positive and excited were mostly infected with respiratory diseases. These perverse observations mean that it is healthy to show the terrible experiences we have experienced again, and since ancient times, human beings have liked to use language and art to tell terrible stories and experiences, and every time we tell them, the sadness will be reduced by one point, and the talk is comfort and protection.
The second is that when children express emotions, they should feel them with their hearts, rather than rushing to deal with them.
Sometimes when a child has an emotional problem, all they need is someone who can accept his emotions, not show him a way out, and when his emotions are well received, he will know what to do next.
Imagine when you're not feeling well, no matter what that feeling is, we often need someone who feels empathy, rather than being treated as a problem by others. When the child's beloved puppy dies, what they need is not that you buy him a new puppy, or that it is the normal feeling of people to accept that he is sick and dead, all they need is quiet companionship, a warm hug, the sentence "I know you are sad, I am the same", you will not know that this short moment of spiritual harmony between parents and children may become a strong support for him to survive the boundless darkness after many years.
But to avoid too much force, sometimes we are often too empathetic, he is sad that you are sadder than he is, he is angry with you than he is, the child who originally wanted to get comfort from us, but to face the emotional burden you gave him, in the long run, the child will not show any emotions in front of us, because he knows that this is not the way to solve the problem.
Third, use actions to give children an example.
In fact, the way we deal with emotions will subtly affect children, if adults in the processing of sadness is their own silently bear quiet tears, then children will also suppress their emotions when sad, if you think that their emotions are not important, if you do not know how to distinguish emotions, then accept the child's emotions, naturally, is a difficult thing.
Looking back on our own path of growth, we may have been indoctrinated with the idea that you shouldn't focus on your emotions, and that it's more effective to try to be strong and stoic. Indeed, trying to negate and ignore unpleasant feelings seems like a clever strategy. It allows you to stay calm and decent, preventing yourself from being disturbed by negative emotions. But this avoidance strategy creates more confusion, allowing us to overeat, impulsively shop, and even engage in aggressive behavior, while also increasing our risk of depression and anxiety.
In life, we must actively deal with our emotions, no matter how strong, do not suppress it, ignore it, but admit and accept their feelings, find a way to comfort themselves, and over time the child will internalize this comfort into a way to resolve emotional problems.
When you are reading this article, believe that you want to do your best to become the best parent, do not doubt your ability to be a parent because you have ignored the feelings of your children, that only shows that we still have something to improve.
Seriously, I also want to seriously respond to every time the child's emotional need for me, or accept his every emotion, unfortunately this is not the case, I am also in a continuous learning, but learning itself, is not a good thing?
Thank you for your attention to the planet Di Que, where the legendary Haidian and Shunyi mothers are. Because of the region and work, we have access to high-quality educational resources and advanced parenting concepts, and hope to share with you a different new understanding of parenting and a new life in the imperial capital in the chicken baby era.