This text number is 6994 and the estimated reading time is 15 minutes.
The book shared today is Self-Esteem.
Matthew McKay
A professor at Berkeley Wright College in California, Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology, dedicated to the study of cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety and depression. He is the author of numerous bestsellers on psychological self-help, including Self-Esteem, The Handbook of Relaxation and Stress Reduction, and Thoughts and Feelings.
[Beauty] Patrick Fanning
He is a professional writer in the field of mental health, and has authored and co-authored as many as 18 self-help books, including "Self-Esteem", "Thoughts and Feelings", "Reason and Feelings" and so on.
Self-esteem is essential for a person's psychological survival. Without self-worth, many basic needs cannot be met. Judging and denying yourself can plunge you into deep pain. It can be seen that self-esteem is an indispensable emotional factor.
The importance of self-esteem to people is self-evident. It affects a person's quality of life and happiness index. So what determines our self-esteem? The authors say that self-esteem and the environment are indirect, and the factors that affect self-esteem at all times are: your thoughts.
Mindset determines ideas. When a person is unable to change the weakness of the external environment, his thoughts will determine the strength of self-esteem. When self-esteem increases, the living environment can be improved.
This book will tell us which ideas and factors can cause people to lack self-esteem, and teach countermeasures to improve self-esteem. But the authors say that to benefit from this book, you can't just read and don't do nothing.
Mind map
01, understand self-esteem
The authors argue that low levels of self-esteem are due to pathological criticism. So what is pathological criticism? The term "pathological criticism" was first coined by psychologist Eugene Sagan to describe the inner voice of self-criticism and self-criticism. Everyone has an inner voice of self-criticism, but people with insufficient self-esteem tend to hear more vicious and loud voices of sick criticism.
Criticism has many weapons, the greatest of which is the various puritanical precepts that accompany you to grow, which the author calls the "should" arsenal. Critics know how to make these "shoulds" oppose you. He compares your actual performance with the behavior you should have behaved to conclude that you are not performing well or inappropriately.
For example, you should get a good score, and if you don't get a good grade, then you're an idiot.
These voices will make you lower your self-esteem. Of course, criticism is inevitable, and our parents will definitely criticize us from childhood to adulthood. But there are ways and means of criticism, and bad criticism can make us less confident, which can lower our self-esteem.
1. The root cause of self-criticism
Why is there pathological self-criticism? The authors say that self-criticism is directly related to bad self-feelings. There are five factors that determine a person's early bad self-perception.
1. The degree to which parents associate taste, personal needs, etc. with morality.
In some families, dads like to be quiet, and if the children are noisy, they will be accused of bad moral character. Other families find low scores shameful. Some children are accused of being immoral when they have the idea of playing with friends or have sexual desires. Some children are accused of being bad boys for forgetting to do a certain chore, liking a certain hairstyle, or skateboarding on the street.
If these problems involve only taste, failure to complete tasks, or low judgment, but the parents mistakenly accuse the child of bad moral behavior, this can become a source of insufficient self-esteem.
Some of the expressions contain strong moral condemnation, and it is crucial to recognize this. If the child hears someone say that he is lazy, or selfish, or like a beggar, or like a neurosis, he will quickly forget the specific scene, but the frustration cannot be dissipated for a long time.
2. The degree to which parents confuse behavior and substance.
If the child is scurrying around the street and the parents are warned of danger, their self-esteem will not be hit. But if you directly evaluate it as a "bad boy", it is not only an act of blame, but also a personality attack. This makes it impossible for children to distinguish between behavior and essence, believing that they are as bad as their own behavior. If parents can carefully distinguish between misconduct and essence, the children will have a better sense of self. They will also be more gentle in their criticism of themselves.
3. The frequency with which parents prohibit gestures.
Children are punished for certain behaviors, and such punitive incidents are called "forbidden gestures.". The frequency with which gestures are prohibited will have a significant impact on a child's sense of self-worth.
For example, repeated mentions of criticism of "bad boys" will be internalized by children. They will really think that they are really bad.
For example, if the child wants to help with something, the mother says, don't add to the mess there, how can you take it.
That is to say, no matter what the child does, the parents always deny and do not let him do something, which is collectively known as forbidden gestures.
4. Prohibit the consistency of gestures.
When a child does the same behavior, your reaction is sometimes furious, sometimes ignored, sometimes yes, sometimes not. Such inconsistent feedback will make children overwhelmed and produce inexplicable guilt.
That is to say, you think that the child does not work, so criticize him, but after a few days the child feels that I am not working and is criticized, so he goes to work. At this time, you think he can't do it well, and then scold him, who let you do this.
5. It is forbidden to gesture the frequency from which the parents are emotional.
When parents are angry or depressed, the criticism of their children is powerful. They vent their bad emotions on their children, causing them to develop self-denial and fear. Even when they grow up, that feeling of self-blame can still affect and hurt them.
Anger and pain will send a categorical message to the child: "You are not a good thing, I hate you." So much so that long after this vicious outburst, the child still remembers the mistakes he made. As adults, critics still use self-blame to strike and destroy psychologically.
So why is this pathological criticism happening? How does it work? The authors say criticism is addictive. The author mentions irregular feedback. What is irregular feedback?
For example, slot machines. If you throw a coin, pull the money out, and every time you pull the money out, you will feel bored and don't play. If you don't get any money out of him, we'll find it boring too. But if you don't pull it out the first time, then the second time you don't, the third time you don't, come out. This one is fun. When will it come out again? I don't know. This is called indeterminate stimulation.
This uncertain stimulus reinforces the feeling of criticism and makes us addicted. Therefore, if we let the child have such a voice in his mind that constantly criticizes himself, it is possible to bring such an addictive game to his life. It's what it brings to that feeling of excitement. It will become his habit.
2. Disarm the critics
Each time pathological self-criticism is experienced, it further damages the sense of self-worth. Therefore, we need to go out of the path of self-criticism that is constantly self-reinforcing. First, we need to discover it and expose it. How to find it?
First, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, suck the air deep into your lungs, and feel the alternating diaphragmatic flaccidity. Relax your body. Check the tension in your legs, arms, face, chin, neck and shoulders. Pay attention to the parts of your body that feel depressed, focus on the area, and really understand how it feels there.
Finally, listen to the thoughts that correspond to the sensations in that part of the body and pay attention to every word you say to yourself. Now try to recall how that feeling began and what critics are saying to them.
After discovering it, it is necessary to eliminate its negative effects, including three steps.
1. Debunking its true purpose.
The voice of self-criticism is like having a critic criticize himself. To subdue the critic, we must first expose his true colors and discern and expose his true intentions. Whenever you realize that he appears, gain insight into his purpose.
For example, "You scold me because you want to make me chafed", "You compare me with others to win and be complacent", "You beat me to make me go to a higher level, so that I can be more confident", "You insist that I pursue perfection because if I don't make any mistakes, I will eventually feel good about myself".
2. Talk back.
Speak up to his critics and tell him to shut up. There are two ways to do this.
Ask about the cost. When a critic shows up, think about the price you pay for his attack. For example, "He always made me think I was unwelcome" and "He made me anxious and always lived in uneasiness".
Definite value. Learn to affirm yourself and replace the voice of your critics with a positive sense of self-worth. Believing that human existence is the value of life. Everyone who strives to survive has the same value, and it has nothing to do with achievement. As the author says, we should work hard for a full life, not desperately try to prove ourselves.
3. Let it be useless.
The authors say the best way to disarm critics is to make them useless. The reason why some people are mired in self-criticism is because it can meet some of people's needs. It's just that this satisfaction is like drinking and quenching thirst. Quenching thirst is only temporary, while the negative effects are long-term. We can meet needs in healthier, more constructive ways, rather than through self-criticism. The three ways are listed below:
Feel good needs. The old way is to compare yourself with others, criticize and push yourself to achieve high standards, and then obtain a temporary sense of good self. But we should learn to look at ourselves more objectively and accurately, and truly accept ourselves.
The need for correct behavior. The old approach is to rely on critics to monitor oneself for following the rules, and a healthier approach is to revisit the list and personal criteria of these "guidelines" to determine which ones are really right for you.
The need for achievement. The old approach is to rely on critics to push themselves forward. The healthy approach is: first of all, to abandon the concept of "what has been done, there is value"; secondly, to learn to evaluate their goals, and then to determine the goals, put them into action, and achieve them step by step.
3. Accurate self-evaluation
Of course, if you want to build self-esteem, you can't rely on talking back all day. Rather, it is a self-evaluation that needs to be proven. Because people with low self-esteem tend to look at themselves with a twisted mirror. They magnify their shortcomings, narrow their strengths, and eventually develop a strong sense of inferiority. Therefore, to accurately evaluate ourselves and form a correct self-evaluation, we need to write a detailed list of self-perceptions.
The specific steps are as follows:
Make a list of your views on yourself, including appearance, personality, relationships, ability to do things, study or job performance, and more.
In the project you think is a disadvantage before the "-", the advantage of the pre-target "+".
Divide the "-" part and the "+" part into two columns.
To start revising the list of shortcomings, follow four principles.
Don't use derogatory terms. For example, "tooth decay" was changed to "protruding front teeth", "clumsy tongue when calling" was changed to "I can't see the expression of the other party, I feel panicked, and I am a little nervous".
Use the correct language. Speak with facts, don't exaggerate. For example, "big thick legs" was changed to the actual size, and "messy on the table" was changed to "there are three pens and two books confiscated."
Use specific, not general, language. Delete the words "every time", "always" and "never" and change them to specific situations. For example, "lose three or four" is changed to "occasionally can't find the key".
Identify exceptions or benefits. For example, he was criticized for "not insisting on his own opinions", but the advantage was "willingness to listen to the opinions of others".
The revised shortcomings will form a completely new self-description with the listed advantages. We can learn to know ourselves more tolerantly and correctly by reading it every day.
In addition, learn to praise your own merits. It has three methods.
Everyday affirmations. Synthesize a few good sentences into an affirmative sentence and repeat it from time to time every day. Like "I'm warm, friendly, easy going." ”
Reminder ID. Write the advantages into cards and stick them in every corner of your life, such as on the door, in the refrigerator, in the closet, or in a bag, in an office drawer. Allow yourself to see them all the time and reinforce the strengths.
Proactive integration. Convert the benefits from words to scene recall. Pick a few strengths each day, think back to the examples that prove them, and allow yourself to remember and believe that these advantages are indeed owned by yourself.
Doing so allows us to gradually begin to know ourselves objectively. We have both advantages and disadvantages ourselves. It's the same with everyone. Everyone has both disadvantages and strengths. Then look at it objectively.
02, how to avoid pathological criticism
The authors say that cognitive distortions are the tools, modalities of pathological critics, the weapons that strike at your self-esteem. If the absurd view is the ideology of pathological criticism, then cognitive distortion is his method of implementation.
Critics' use of distortions is tantamount to terrorists using explosives and guns. Cognitive distortion is a veritable bad habit — the inertia you've formed, which reads reality in unrealistic ways at every turn.
For example, when a colleague refuses to sit on a committee you chair, you may see his prevarication as a simple decision, or you may use inertia to dismiss rejection as a look down on you, thereby launching a new onslaught on your already battered self-esteem.
Therefore, we need to identify these cognitive distortions and avoid hitting people's self-esteem. Let's first take a look at what are the common cognitive distortions?
1. 9 common cognitive distortions
There are 9 common cognitive distortions in life.
1. Excessive summarization. Summarize the general law based on a single event. For example, once you have a bad grade, you think you are stupid.
2. Label uniformly.
Uniform labeling refers to stereotyping all people, things, behaviors, and experiences. The world of people who are good at labelling is full of stereotyped characters who stage fictional melodrama. People who attach uniform labels tend to be inferior and portray themselves as villains or fools. For example, "I can't get anything done", "I'm dumbfounded".
3. Filtering. Selectively focus only on the negatives and ignore the positives.
4. Dualistic thinking. Classify things absolutely, black and white, and judge yourself either/or. For example, feeling like you're either a good guy or a bad guy, either a success or a failure.
5. Self-blame. Blame yourself for everything, whether it's your fault or not.
6. Be self-centered. Think that what others say and do is related to themselves, and at the same time like to compare with others. For example, if a friend says he's bored, you think he's complaining about your dullness.
7. Mind reading. Speculate on the minds of others without any basis.
8. The illusion of control. Either you feel that you are omnipotent and responsible for everyone and everything, or you feel powerless. For example, a person feels responsible for the health of the mother and the grades of the child. When you are powerless to control, you think you are weak and incompetent.
9. Sentimentality. Controlled by changeable emotions, thinking that things are the same as feelings.
2. Fight distortion
The most important skill for conquering distortions and regaining control is to be alert. You must be relentless in listening to what you are saying to yourself, not bowing to depression, but insisting on analyzing the thoughts that cut your heart. A three-column approach can be used to conquer cognitive distortions.
Divide the three columns on a piece of paper.
Column 1: Self-Statement. Write down what the self-critic says about the situation at hand. For example, "I'm always clumsy. ”
Column 2: Distorted Ideas. Identify which distortion a self-statement is. For example, "I'm always clumsy." "It's an over-summary.
Third column: Rebuttal statement. Write a rebuttal to each self-statement. For example, in response to "I'm always clumsy. Retort: "Nonsense! I also have times when I'm articulate. ”
There are a few caveats:
First, the rebuttal must be decisive. How can you make your rebuttal decisive? The author gives a very interesting way to imagine a supporter, imagine a person helping you speak.
Second, integration. Separating me from the fact that I'm bad and I'm thinking I'm sucking, these two things. Focus on your ideas and label your ideas. For example, if your ideas are criticizing you, you put a label on him and say, you want to protect me, you want to protect me too much, so you criticize me, I thank you.
Third, compassion. The essence of self-esteem is compassion for yourself, and when you have compassion for yourself, you can understand and accept yourself. If you make a mistake, you can also forgive yourself. You have reasonable expectations of yourself and can set yourself achievable goals. Most of the time, you'll think you're pretty good. Compassion is a skill that can be practiced and improved.
How to sympathize?
First, understand. There is no understanding of sympathy. So, when you're able to say thank you to your accuser, "Thank you for wanting to protect me, I know what you want to do," that's understanding.
Second, acceptance. I know I have such difficulties, but I accept myself. Acknowledge the facts and stop all value judgments. You don't need to express pro or cons, just accept. For example, "I accept the fact that I'm not in good shape" does not mean "I'm not in good shape, I don't care", but "I am not in good shape, I know, I may hate this."
Finally, forgiveness. Forgiveness comes from understanding and acceptance. Like the other two, it does not represent approval. It means not dwelling on the past, ensuring respect for yourself in the present, and looking forward to a better future.
03, how to respond to the criticism of others
For people with low self-esteem, criticism from others frustrates you and awakens your inner pathological self-criticism, which further erodes self-esteem. In addition, the criticism of others is based on the experience and subjective evaluation of others. Therefore, we need to learn to respond effectively to these criticisms.
1. Invalid method
To respond effectively to criticism, you must first know what is an ineffective response. It includes the following three types:
First, the aggressive type. This refers to countering criticism. For example, someone said, "You're not doing this beautifully." You respond, "You're not much better." ”
Second, passively bearable. It refers to agreeing, apologizing, or surrendering in the face of criticism. For example, if a wife complains that her husband is too fat, he immediately caters to the admission that he is about to become a pig.
Finally, passive bearer - aggressive compound. This is a combination of the two responses described above. At the moment of criticism, the person concerned passively apologizes or promises to make corrections. But then there was no change, or other aggressive behavior.
2. Effective way
Knowing the ineffective way to respond to criticism, we must learn how to respond effectively. It includes the following three types:
First, acknowledgement. When the content of the criticism is accurate, it is only necessary to agree with the critic's point of view. For example, respond, "Yes, you're right. "This immediately ends the criticism of the other side."
Second, ambiguity. It is symbolic agreement with the critics, including three techniques.
Partially agreed. Only some of the criticisms are agreed. For example, being criticized: "You are so unreliable that you forgot to pick up the child!" You can respond: "Last week, when the kids ended pedi class, I did forget to pick them up. ”
Possibility of consent. This means agreeing with criticism by saying, "You might be right."
Principle of Consent. Acknowledging the logic of critics, using the phrase "if... Well...". For example, being criticized: "Your method is wrong." That will make things worse and worse. You can respond: "Yes, if the method is not right, things will get worse and worse." ”
Finally, explore. When you can't determine the true purpose of the other person's criticism, you can ask questions to explore his intentions. Keywords explored include "specifically", "such as", "exactly", etc. For example, ask: "I don't understand very well, can you be specific or give an example?" ”
04, how to get strong self-esteem
Goethe once said, "Whatever you can do, or what you dream of doing, do it."
So, getting strong self-esteem depends on two things. First, learn to look at yourself correctly; second, the ability to practice, recognize your own needs, and then use actions to create your own life.
1. What do you want
The first step in setting goals is to explore your inner needs and then list them.
For example, the interpersonal aspect is to spend more time with the family; the material aspect is to buy a house; the psychological growth aspect is to control emotions and exercise perseverance. Based on the listed list, ask yourself the following four questions and list the corresponding answers.
What makes you unhappy or unhappy?
What do you crave?
What is your dream?
What is your little fortune?
2. Choose the goal of struggle
Based on the list of answers to the four questions above, they are screened and evaluated. First, four long-term, medium-term and immediate goals are screened out. The 12 goals are then evaluated.
The methodology is as follows:
Use 1 to 10 to rate your desire for your goals. 1 indicates no interest in it, and 10 expresses willingness to devote themselves to it.
The potential cost of each target is rated by 1 to 5. Costs include time, effort, money, or stress. 1 indicates the lowest cost and 5 indicates the highest.
The obstacles to each target are rated by 1 to 5. For example, special training is needed, psychological panic, and opposition from others. 1 indicates the least resistance and 5 indicates that there is a lot of obstacles.
Finally, the overall rating = the rating of the degree of desire - (cost rating + obstruction rating). If the overall rating is negative, it means that the goal is difficult to achieve; if it is positive, the higher the number, the higher the probability of the goal being achieved.
The authors say that at all times, you should strive for at least one long-term, medium-term and immediate goal at the same time.
3. Make your goals concrete
Once the assessment is complete, one of the long-term, medium-term and immediate targets is set out to begin action. Before the action, it is necessary to clarify the content, time, place and task of the goal, and at the same time refine the steps to achieve the goal, and complete it step by step.
In addition, there are six possible obstacles to achieving our goals that we need to be vigilant against and circumvent.
Incomplete planning. The big goals are not refined and specific to each step.
Insufficient knowledge. Lacking the necessary information to make a move is like jumping on a subway and expecting it to get where you want it.
Inappropriate time management. This will lead to a loss-losing outcome. Therefore, while setting rational goals and refining them to each step, it is necessary to allocate time reasonably and be clear about what to do now.
Unrealistic goals. Like fishing for the moon in a well, setting unrealistic goals is doomed to failure.
Fear of failure. People with insufficient self-confidence and fear of failure will become a roadblock to their goals.
Fear of success. Fear that success will lead to even greater failures. Their motto is "The higher you climb, the worse you fall".