"Blog World" and Shen Yifei chatted about the emotional topics that young people pay attention to. For example: When will sweet love take my turn? Does good love necessarily lead to marriage? Why do so many people like "SNORT CP"? Is "unmarried and infertile" really established?
The author | Wei Qiao
Edit the | Ding Yu
Fireworks in March, spring returns to the earth. The love variety show that gets together offers from "
The emotional confusion from "first love" to "half-ripeness", the love drama of the hegemonic screen interprets the sweet story from "first acquaintance" to "the rest of life" to the audience.
In film and television, variety shows, love is intoxicating and beautiful, like a shadow of the bondage; but in real life, love seems to be not so easy, at least the data does not look so optimistic.
Statistics released by the Ministry of Civil Affairs recently show that the marriage registration data on the mainland in 2021 is 7.636 million pairs, which is after falling below 10 million pairs in 2019 and 9 million pairs in 2020, the marriage registration data fell below 8 million pairs again.
Subsequently, the topic #Why did the marriage registration rate hit a 36-year low# on the hot search. Another set of data released by the Civil Affairs Bureau shows that in 2018, China's single adult population has exceeded 200 million, and the adult population living alone has exceeded 77 million.
Why is it getting harder and harder for people to enter an intimate relationship? This is not a new problem. In 2019, a lecture called "Why is it so difficult to get off a single" became popular on the Internet, which resonated with countless young people. The teacher of this class is Shen Yifei, associate professor of sociology at Fudan University. She has been deeply involved in the fields of gender, family sociology and emotional sociology for many years, and through her academic theories, she analyzes and answers people's emotional problems in an in-depth and simple way.
In recent years, she has gone more from the podium to the public domain, becoming a "treasure professor" with a clear point of view on the B station, and also an empathetic emotional mentor in the variety show. From "Goodbye Lover" and "90 Marriage Agency" to the recent hit "I Have Never Been in Love", she calls her expression in the public domain "translating academic translation into practice".
"Blog World" and Shen Yifei chatted about the emotional topics that young people pay attention to. For example: If you want a sweet love, when will it be my turn? Does good love necessarily lead to marriage? Why do so many people like "SNORT CP"? Can unmarried and infertile really keep you safe?
What does CP bring us?
After the first love growth reality show "I Didn't Talk About Love" was broadcast, many young viewers exclaimed: "People who have not talked about love, are they talking about me?" However, this does not mean that young people do not yearn for love, but they may project their vision of love elsewhere, such as "CP". Hormones that have nowhere to be placed are released along with the imagination of "love" for others.
Shen Yifei once posted a post titled "How Happy is CP?" on Station B. Is BKPP real? The video of "BKPP" takes the popular group "BKPP" from the Thai drama "Interpret My Love with Your Heart" as the research object. BKPP has a special entry on Baidu Encyclopedia, referring to the CP composed of actor Billkin and PP who play the characters in the play.
In the video, she knows the past stories of the two people very well, and the "snorting points" of the fans are handy, and the rational and profound analysis has impressed countless netizens.
For example, she said, "Unlocking each other's phones with fingerprints during the event" represents the establishment of two people
"We" as a whole, people are eager for this sense of unity; "unconsciously holding hands and being separated by the staff" is more touching than deliberately holding hands, precisely because of the emotional power outside the routine presented behind it...
This way of "academic CP" has both in-depth field observation and logical and rigorous theoretical support, and in the strict sense, Shen Yifei is a real "sniffer". "When we 'snort CP', we see the ideal intimate relationship." In Shen Yifei's view, "snorting CP" is not the emotional compensation that people are looking for because they do not believe in love. On the contrary, people who are willing to be truly committed are precisely because they believe in the existence of love in their hearts and are full of yearning for beautiful intimate relationships.
Shen Yifei B station video "How happy is CP? Is BKPP real? screenshot
In the past, we could only pin emotions in novels, but with the advent of the image era, love was also visualized as much as possible. In the figurative picture, fans have a richer imagination space. "The two of them might just look at each other and we imagine it's a 'brushed' look. You can join your imagination, how much fun do you say this is? ”
Shen Yifei found that those heartwarming details often represent our own most beautiful yearning for love. Whether it is to pay for each other regardless of return, or to rely on and trust each other, when the "best part of love" is withdrawn and magnified, our brains will secrete dopamine accordingly.
Those viewers hold their mobile phones anytime and anywhere, and unconsciously "aunt laugh" behavior, in fact, there is a corresponding academic explanation.
"Humans always tend to experience, and feelings are sometimes positive and negative." Just like when watching a horror movie, we experience the fear and excitement of the scene without actually facing the danger of life, CP allows us to experience the sweet heartbeat, tossing and turning in intimate relationships, and avoiding the real differences, quarrels, and responsibilities that must be assumed in reality.
Therefore, it is often said that "it is better to fall in love than to snort CP".
But Shen Yifei didn't think so. In her view, intimacy brings not only happy and pleasant feelings, but more importantly, self-growth that comes with it. "No one can achieve a perfect and self-consistent self, we are constantly subverting ourselves in conflicts and collisions, constantly discovering ourselves, and constantly growing, and intimate relationships provide such a very important platform."
"Cp" is more like a kind of social learning of intimate relationships, and what Shen Yifei does is to clarify the logic behind the phenomenon and provide a way to solve difficulties. "Whether I participate in "90 Marriage Agency", "Goodbye, Lover", or "I Haven't Been in Love", I am thinking about how to make the audience feel sweet and happy on the one hand, and increase some sense of gain on the other hand."
The so-called sense of gain is to harvest one's own understanding from the relationships of others, and find a way to solve problems and lead to happiness. Shen Yifei said: "When we don't have an intimate relationship ourselves, we can actually make people grow through love shows and through the interpretation of these experts, and I hope to play such a role." ”
Sweet love, when will it be my turn?
From the confusion and embarrassment of the first meeting, to the clumsiness and withdrawal in the process of getting along, "I Have Never Been in Love" has made many viewers feel empathy. So the question is, why do two people seem to be very good, but they seem to have no way to enter the intimate relationship smoothly?
In fact, for the love relationship that may sprout, people who do not take the initiative to fight for it and immediately withdraw when they encounter problems often do not believe that love will happen to them. In the program, Shen Yifei told these young people who are either sensitive or socially afraid: "If you want others to come into your life, you have to open a window." ”
The reason why young people say that they want sweet love while standing still, Shen Yifei said the subtlety of this psychology, "They do not necessarily believe in love, but think that others may have good love, but they have nothing to do with themselves, thinking that they are not capable of entering love." ”
Another misconception is the pursuit of the love model. In the era of information explosion, there are idol dramas that tell the "perfect routine" of love at length, and there are social media that constantly reinforce "how to judge whether he loves you", when many people are immersed in it, often forget how to fall in love with a specific person.
"Saying that drinking more water is perfunctory" "Friends of the opposite sex are scumbags", often labeling green tea and small three... In this atmosphere, society's fault tolerance rate for love seems to have decreased. The love model stacked by the mass media has become the protagonist of love, and the object of love has become a tool to complete the operation of the model, which in Shen Yifei's view is to put the cart before the horse and deviate from the basic logic of love.
Shen Yifei B station video "Talk about a good love, how many thunder to step on?" screenshot
"For example, you expect a person to stop interacting with all other people of the opposite sex once they love you, put you in the center of the world, and be willing to make sacrifices for you all the time, but a rational person will not do this in the early stages of love." 」 If the person does this in the first place, he is likely to be irrational and crazy, and in a long-term relationship, an irrational person is likely to have terrible consequences. In "I Haven't Been in Love", the guests choose the first date through keywords, and the girls ask the question of "who do you think will come" when dating. Girls expect to be firmly chosen, but boys carefully analyze the possibility of girls choosing. In the logic of girls, this means that the other party's first choice is not themselves. Such "true" answers caused a series of misunderstandings, leaving the audience anxious off-screen. When this misunderstanding arises, how can one party think that this can be said in this way? In fact, the other party may not be in this logical system, and he has his own other point of view. "For today's young people, the expression in love relationships, especially for good feelings, is often misplaced. Shen Yifei found in a recent study that the question of how to like others will behave is very different from most people's imagination.
Most people think that loving someone cannot hide love in their eyes. Men think that if women like themselves, they will continue to approach themselves and become particularly charming; women will feel that if men like themselves, they will definitely behave in front of themselves, or ask their girlfriends about their situation.
But in fact, almost three-quarters of people said that they would not take the initiative to express it, but silently paid attention, did not move, and even absolutely could not let the other party know. "Liking a person starts with low self-esteem" has resonated with many people.
"If you feel that others are not giving you enough performance, you feel that the other party does not love you, and in turn, you may not give enough information to the people you like." 」 In this kind of difference between the imagination of others and the actual situation, mistakes are easy to occur, and even called "reverse rushing" by netizens.
So, what's the most important thing for someone who wants to develop a good love? Shen Yifei told Blog World that there are two abilities that are crucial.
First of all, we must have the ability to connect with many people and become friends, care about real people, have curiosity about people, and express them effectively.
Second, it is necessary to judge the interest of others, that is, to be able to effectively receive the signal of "interest". Shen Yifei has repeatedly mentioned on many occasions, "The beginning of love is essentially a curiosity about others and wants to get closer." ”
Where will our intimacy go?
Does good love necessarily lead to marriage? Not quite.
When love has gone through the attraction of both sexes, value resonance, and formed a good connection, and then want to go to the deep relationship, "At this time, there is a division of roles, the two of us have to match, how to 1 + 1 is greater than or equal to 2, there is another word called responsibility." ”
How to divide the work and how to match is a crucial issue in the marriage relationship.
In the movie "Bouquet of Love", the soul-like Shanyin Mai and Eight Grain Silk parted ways on the way to real life. In Shen Yifei's view, when Shanyin Mai took the initiative to assume economic responsibilities, bagu silk had more space to develop personal hobbies, and to a certain extent, achieved a "division of labor", which is the way to a deep relationship. But the two who have always been in the same pace cannot properly digest this difference, and the beautiful love has come to an abrupt end.
In Shen Yifei's theory of the "old and new script" of love, the old script emphasizes the responsibility of assuming fixed family roles and has strong stability; while the new script prioritizes personal experience and happiness, chooses their own lifestyle, and is more free. The two are in different logical systems, regardless of the advantages and disadvantages, but they cannot be mixed with each other. Under the self-consistent logic, the new script can also match the old script.
No matter how you choose, in marriage, to support each other, raise children, take care of parents, compromise, responsibility is inevitable. Therefore, as Shen Yifei repeatedly emphasized in "Goodbye, Lover", "Don't overestimate your tolerance for marriage without love, you actually can't tolerate it in the end." ”
How do I find a true match for a lover? Imagination often has misunderstandings, you must know what you want through practice, Shen Yifei always encourages young people to fall in love and try more, "When you are young, you can become what you want each other through running-in." At a certain age, you have a strong personality yourself, and you may have to constantly explore on your own. So sometimes we discover ourselves through different people, which is actually a process of learning and growth. ”
As society moves toward individuation and traditional notions of the family are deconstructed again and again, is marriage still the only form of intimacy?
Shen Yifei told "Blog World": "In fact, the intimate relationship itself is a genealogy, in addition to love, there are also many intimate exchanges in friendship, such as war friendship is a deep intimate relationship. There will also be close relationships between us and our families. All intimacy can be replaced, but it's not as easy as you think. ”
From love to marriage is a relatively easy way for human society to filter out for a long time to intimate relationships. The sublimation of sexual desire in love, the self-growth achieved by the deep collision of emotions, the exclusivity and certainty brought about by commitment in the marriage relationship, and the need to find a substitute in other emotions are more difficult than love.
In Shen Yifei's view, although the argument of "no marriage and no childbirth to ensure peace" is very popular on social media, in fact, marriage is still the last bastion system in today's society.
"In fact, it is not unmarried and infertile to ensure safety, but to make a lot of money is to ensure safety." Marriage can guarantee that we share the financial risk, and it is even more difficult for a person to earn enough money to take this risk. It's not that it can't be replaced, but sometimes the value and difficulty of that substitution is actually more than you think. ”
Shen Yifei said frankly: "With the change of age, most people do have different ideas. For example, when you are young, your desire for love or stable relationships is not so strong, but often around the age of 30 to 35 you will suddenly realize that stable intimacy is important; including our Dink study, families in their 20s are particularly prone to Dink, but many by the age of 40 will mostly regret it. ”
Although marriage and childbearing are individual choices, from an academic point of view, there are still some universal laws in the development of human society, which can tell people the future costs of current choices from a theoretical point of view.
As Shen Yifei said: "If you feel that you can bear it, then there is no problem, if you think I may not be able to bear it at that time, then look for a better solution at this moment, to learn how to love, to make yourself happier, this is also a good way to solve." 」 ”