Author | Fan Deng Reading · Jenshin
Anchor | Fan Deng Reading · Chu Qiao
Interpret the trailer
Meet · Meet your unknown self in the book.
Good evening to all book lovers, welcome to the reading column "Encounter" produced by Fan Deng Reading.
There is a difficulty in life, to give up the incomparably familiar life and start over.
Today, I would like to share with you the work of Frederick Buckmann, the "King of Heartwarming Novels" in Sweden, "List Life".
"List of Life" tells the story of a 63-year-old housewife who runs away from home and finally gains new choices and expectations.
Believing in this book will allow you to learn to control yourself in an out-of-control life.
"After the age of 25, don't blame your original family anymore."
This is the writer Lian Yue's view on the influence of the original family on a person.
If we have realized that our lives are troubled and affected by our original families, then we should learn to accept the facts and then change the status quo.
But the premise is that we have realized that all this is the seed planted by the original family, and then change the fate of the first half of life, and then awaken the self in the second half of life.
But there is a kind of misfortune, you have lived a lifetime and have not discovered this fact.
Frederick Buckman, known as the king of Sweden's heartwarming novels, shows us this misfortune in List of Lives.
Britt Mary did not awaken her inner self until she was 63 years old.
The harm brought to you by the original family is inevitable, and self-healing is always the most feasible way.
Young is no more, does she still have the courage to say goodbye to her old self and find her new self again?
The original family is doomed to the fate of the first half of life
Britt Mary was born into a family of four, father, mother, sister and her.
It's just that both Dad and Mom love their sister more, as if she's a superfluous person.
Accidents are always unpredictable, and a car accident takes my sister's life.
Since then, Britt Mary has begun a life of repression, restraint and caution.
Her father abandoned them, and her mother could not get out of the depression of losing her beloved daughter, so she poured out her resentment on Britt Mary.
"We must pray to God that Britt Mary will find a man who can afford to raise her, or she will have to go to the slums because she will not do anything."
"What evil did I make to give birth to her?"
Mom never considered Britt Mary's feelings about what she said or did.
Because in her opinion, this daughter is far worse than the one she lost.
Maybe the mother can choose between the two daughters she likes and the one she doesn't like.
But for Britt Mary, she had no choice, and that was her mother.
Dr. Susan Foward says in The Original Family:
Healthy families promote individuality, personal responsibility, and independence, encouraging children to develop their own sense of satisfaction and self-esteem.
In unhealthy families, you often need to give yourself in exchange for occasional affirmation and security.
Just like Fan Shengmei in "Ode to Joy", when she first sent money to her family, she also hoped to get some attention, understanding and love from her mother.
However, many times, blindly paying will only ignore their own feelings, and in the end it is only themselves who are hurt.
Britt Mary had been trying to give herself, hoping to get her mother's occasional affirmation.
Even when she got married, she thought that she would not disappoint her mother.
When a neighbor's brother, Alf and Kent, showed affection for Britt Mary at the same time, she chose Alf, whose mother might like—always wanted to make a lot of money.
When a person is constantly entangled in the past, she has no way to see whether the decision made in the present is correct or not.
Soon, during his military service, Alf hooked up with two women. They divorced, and apparently she chose the wrong person.
An unhealthy original family relationship will not only affect the child's personal growth, but also have a huge impact on the child's future marriage and family.
Britt Mary spent the first half of her life paying for the harm her family had done to her.
There is no reconciliation, and the tragedy of the second half of life can only continue
For Britt Mary, home is a cold, oppressive, indifferent place.
Until her mother's death, she could not get a sense of security from her mother.
A child, especially a girl, when she has not experienced the warmth of home, she will even throw herself into the arms because of a smile from others.
So, when Kent reappears and still shows good feelings, she can't wait to form a new family with him.
Once you realize the influence of the family of origin, that influence doesn't pose a threat, because you can change it.
I was afraid that she would be trapped in it all the time, but she didn't know why.
Britt Mary is stuck in her new life with Kent, but she doesn't know what "family" really is.
Kent was married once before marrying Britt Mary and had two children.
Britt Mary didn't care, she was willing to take care of her two children at home, support Kent's career, and wait a few years before going out to work.
Years, decades, decades, just like that, Kent always had all sorts of reasons to keep Britt Mary at home.
Britt Mary didn't know exactly when her thoughts were becoming less and less important.
"In this world, the bigger the dreamer, the more they will be the winner."
This is the truth that Britt Mary learned, so she is willing to give up her dream to fulfill Kent, just to make him happy.
Psychology says that people have the psychology of pleasing in order to feel that they are part of a group and are the driving force for their protection.
Pleasing stems from our own insecurities.
But when we focus too much on others, we can't adapt to our own inner world, we can't see our own needs and desires.
Only by breaking this cycle can we gain a sense of security from within.
And the down-to-earth sense of security is that only you can give yourself.
From awakening to healing, you can only rely on yourself
The master of psychology Jung once said, "There is no awakening that is free of pain." ”
But there are also two forms of awakening.
One is to keep reading, see the world, improve cognition, and find problems that trap you.
The other is to be drunk by others, to re-adapt to all the discomfort in a desperate situation, and to rethink one's life.
There is no doubt that Britt Mary is behind this.
From the moment she married Kent, she developed the habit of making lists, recording all the chicken and dog needs in life, hoping to ensure that their lives were foolproof.
But the sense of control that seems to be tightly grasped is nothing more than a cover for insecurity.
In the end, it was all shattered by Kent's infidelity.
Britt Mary's self-awakening was thus shaken out of the crack.
She came to a whole new place, chaotic, dilapidated, with a sense of withering of everything, just like her state of life.
But the people here are very simple in their hearts, they are a bit like "primitive people": do not pay attention to hygiene, do not pay attention to rules, laugh wildly, drink heavily, hug directly...
These are the first simplicity of being born as human beings, the most beautiful things.
They are like light, shining into Britt Mary's "rift."
Two months after the divorce, Kent came to the town where Britt Mary worked to apologize and wanted to take her back to her familiar life.
He said:
I need you at home, my dear.
I need you to go home and not leave the rest of our lives behind because I made a stupid mistake.
Britt Mary did not feel Kent's sincere apology in her heart, she suppressed the idea of accusation, accusation, and anger, and did not speak.
Many times, even if we realize that what we have done wrong in the past, we cannot immediately act in the opposite way.
Britt Mary did not immediately reject him, but she already had other plans in mind.
As a child, Britt-Marie always had a dream of going to Paris to see, step on the cobblestones and feel the Parisian wind.
But she never said it, and now she wanted to take a look.
The children filled her car with gas, Britt Mary finally saw her longing again, and she embraced her long-lost self.
There is a line in The Shawshank Redemption:
Some birds are not kept captive because their feathers are so beautiful.
Each of us is an independent, special individual, with different feathers.
No external cage can suppress the wings we want to spread.
Since the unhealthy relationships and the wounds of the original family have been formed, then take the scars, find yourself, hear your own voice, and take a different medal to walk the road of the future.
Britt Mary deserves better, even though she's already a 63-year-old woman.
Write at the end
"To get yourself back and fully understand your true identity is not to look outward, but to invest deeply inward."
This is a sentence in Dr. Yang Dingyi's book, which is a simple and direct summary of "finding yourself".
The influence of the family of origin on us needs no elaboration, but it is an external influence after all.
If you want to find yourself, in the final analysis, you still have to look inward.
If, you happen to have an imperfect original family, and you yourself are negatively affected by it.
What we can do is to mourn the misfortunes of the early days of life, accept the imperfect selves that are still trying to live, find our true needs and desires, and then realize it.
Never surrender, no matter how old you are.
No matter when, even if the dealer is not you, the choice is always in your own hands.
Click "Watching" and encourage the book friends.
Author | Jian Xin, a bright woman who firmly believes that words bring light, slash youth. Deeply rooted in the field of writing for seven years, he is good at rational thinking in the left brain and willing to express his feelings in the right brain.
Column Director | Come slowly
Typography | Zheng to the north
Music | David Davidson - Memory