In the process of parenting, many parents will use the method of "reward". For example, when we want our children to eat obediently, they will tell their children, "If you eat your meal obediently, I will take you to buy toys in a moment." When you hope that your child will get good results in the exam, he will say to the child: "If you score 90 points in this exam, I will buy you a computer." ”......
These reward methods may be very effective when they are first used. However, as we use material rewards more often, you will find that when you ask your child to do something, your child will tell you the conditions. For example, if you ask your child to pack up the toys, the child will tell you, "Then you have to give me ice cream first, otherwise you won't take it!" ”
Why do we want to use rewards to help children develop good habits, but in the end, let children develop a bad habit of talking about conditions?
Because, not all reward means can help children develop good habits, and rewards are also methodical.
What are the common forms of rewards?
In general, the commonly used reward methods are material rewards, privileged rewards, and spiritual rewards.
Material rewards are a common method used by many parents. Physical rewards such as delicious snacks, playful toys, and mobile phones are all material rewards.
Privilege rewards refer to giving children some special rights. For example, allow the child to play a game for an hour, take the child to the zoo to play, or take the child to eat at his favorite restaurant.
Spiritual rewards refer to rewards that can give children a sense of spiritual pleasure in hugging, smiling, praising, etc.
Material rewards and privilege rewards, may be used at the beginning, the effect will be quick and immediate, but it is easy to weaken the child's enthusiasm for the matter itself, the child's mind is on the material and privilege of wanting to get. Once a child is not interested in the kind or privilege of the reward, he has no intention of doing it.
The feeling that the spirit rewards the child is that the thing itself gives him a sense of accomplishment and pleasure, which will once again stimulate the child's motivation to do things.
What are the consequences of improper use of rewards?
One of the most common consequences of improper use of rewards is that once parents stop rewarding, or rewards are no longer attractive to their children, the behavior that was previously rewarded disappears. This is obviously contrary to the original intention of parents to reward and help children develop good habits.
Those who have watched the sea lion performance will find such an interesting phenomenon. Under the guidance of the staff, sea lions can make wonderful performances such as jacking balls, high jumps, applause and so on, which makes people feel incredible. The reason why the sea lion obeys the staff's instructions is because when it has completed the action, the staff will feed it delicious fish. But then we'll also find that when the crew leaves, the sea lion show stops.
From the example of sea lion performance, we can see that rewards may increase the likelihood of behavior in the moment, but when we stop rewarding, the behavior also disappears. This is the same effect that we usually use material rewards or privilege rewards to motivate children.
Another undesirable consequence of improper use of rewards is that children lose enthusiasm for things they are originally interested in.
The famous psychologist Desi once did an experiment. He got some people and randomly divided them into A and B groups, while letting them play the same attractive game, Soma. At the same time, there are also beautiful magazines in the laboratory.
The experiment was divided into 3 days. Every day, halfway through the experiment, Desi tells the player that he needs to leave the lab for a while to enter data. Then sneak outside to see if the player will continue to play the game during this time, or read the magazine immediately. The only difference is that on Day 2 Desi rewards Group A with $1.
It was found that on day 1, both Group A and Group B continued to play the game for 3-5 minutes during the break. On day 2, Group A, which received the reward, played for more than 5 minutes during this period, and Group B was no different from Day 1. However, on the 3rd day, Group A only played for a short time and did not play, while Group B, which had never received a reward, played longer.
From the experimental results, it can be seen that the external reward is not appropriate, which can destroy people's motivation. People lose interest in things that they were originally interested in.
How to properly reward children?
So, how should parents reward their children? Here, I will provide you with two methods.
Method 1: For the child's own interest, we can use words, affirmative eyes and other spiritual rewards to praise his efforts and seriousness. Without the need to intervene with rewards such as substances or privileges. Because when the child does this, the heart is happy, and this pleasure itself is the best reward for the child.
Method two: things that children don't like, but are beneficial to their children's growth, such as brushing teeth, doing sports, practicing words, etc. We can take rewards with material or privileged first, and then slowly translate into spiritual rewards.
For example, practicing words is boring for most children. At this time, we can first tell him that as long as he practices 10 words a day and practices for 1 month, he can be rewarded with a toy. In doing so, the child can overcome the initial fear of difficulties and be willing to start. After a period of time, when the child is praised by the teacher or classmate for writing well, we can take the opportunity to praise the child for practicing the more beautiful the word. At this time, after the child has a sense of accomplishment and pleasure in his heart, we can slowly remove material or privileged rewards.
All in all, the principle of rewarding children is that spiritual rewards need to be mainly based, supplemented by material and privileged rewards. In this way, it is conducive to cultivating good habits in children.