Recently, when criticizing children, many parents have repeatedly waved their hands: "Today's children can not criticize ..."
Therefore, even if the child makes a mistake, many parents are also "afraid" in their hearts: should they criticize the child in the end?
Saying that the child "goes to the extreme" and saying that the child is shallow does not care, is it necessary to turn a blind eye to the child's mistakes?
But in another part, there are also parents who raise objections: some children will be unhappy after hearing their parents' criticism, but they will also correct it with a more positive attitude, and even thank their parents for pointing out their shortcomings afterwards.
The same criticism, how can the difference be so big?
"Criticism" vs. "Criticism"
There are also big differences
Seeing these extreme events, many people's first reaction is that the parents are too doting on the child and cause him to be unable to stand a little grievance, or the child's heart is too fragile to resist the pressure difference.
But in fact, the reason why criticism can be turned into an extreme event is probably because we have never thought that the negative emotions that children produce after being criticized are also different - not that parents cannot criticize, but that children should be expected to reflect on themselves after criticism, rather than just feeling ashamed.
In other words, although they are all "criticisms", the way, language, and environment of criticism are also very different.
For example, if the child's greedy play test is not ideal, parents may have two reactions:
One of the reactions: This question is all in the book, is it forgotten? Let's review it again, and then do a few more similar questions to consolidate it!
Reaction two: This inscription book has you definitely not listened carefully! Is it deserting again? How can you be so stupid!
On the surface, both of these sentences are criticisms, both pointing out the child's mistakes. However, in the eyes of children, they have a completely different meaning.
One makes people introspective
One leads to shame
First of all, we need to understand, what is criticism?
First of all, criticism is a kind of feedback, a response to the child's behavior and performance.
Second, the right criticism should be constructive, that is, it must be helpful and beneficial to the child.
It can be seen that the reaction one is a correct criticism, because it is to help the child analyze and solve the mistake together, rather than blindly accusing, it is to guide the child to focus on the behavior, on how to progress, how to be better, and the child will also introspect under the influence of the parents.
And the second reaction is more like humiliation, how does the child feel when he hears it?
"Stupid" and "useless", such offensive words do not have any constructive effect except for making children self-deny.
Because it is not aimed at the error itself, but at the child as an individual, which will set off a strong negative emotion of shame in the child's heart.
So, it's all criticism, how do two very different feelings arise? In simple terms:
Constructive criticism is a form of feedback that allows the child to introspect, and introspection points to a particular behavior: "I made a mistake. ”
Humiliating criticism makes the child feel ashamed, and shame points to the core self: "I am a mistake." ”
Criticism is inappropriate
Babies grow up and are prone to taking crooked paths
For a child, whether they are good at introspection or ashamed after criticism is not just a difference in name and concept, but is likely to be related to the risks they may have in life in the future.
Children with a strong sense of shame in childhood are more likely to commit risky behaviors in adulthood; children who are prone to introspection in childhood are more inclined to protect themselves in adulthood.
The reason is that children who are prone to shame are less likely to admit that they are wrong, but tend to rationalize their behavior and distort the facts; however, children who are prone to introspection will take the initiative to admit their mistakes and try their best to make up for them.
Shame is not welcome, interpersonal relationships are angry and hostile, and self-control is reduced and prone to aggressive behavior
Introspection and taking responsibility are popular, many friends and long-term peace of mind, and strong self-control are more popular
It snowballed like a child, and the full shame began to make a child fall. And introspection, like a shield, protects children from always facing the sun.
And all this stems from a criticism from parents.
Four time periods
Don't criticize the child
When criticizing children, in addition to paying attention to rhetoric, sometimes criticizing children at different times will also have different effects.
In the course of the day, these four time periods are best not to criticize the child, and if the child makes a mistake, pay special attention to the way of criticism.
Don't criticize your child when you wake up in the morning
It is said that the plan of the day lies in the morning, and criticizing the child in the morning will have an impact on the child's mood of the day, so that his learning for a day is in a downturn.
The most appropriate way to deal with it is: verbally point out that the child has done something wrong on the spot, let the child clean up as soon as possible, and then communicate well about this problem after school.
Don't criticize your child when eating
Criticizing children at the dinner table will not only have an impact on the child's psychology, but also, to a certain extent, affect the child's appetite, make him lose his appetite, and affect the child's physical health.
Don't criticize children in public
The child is an independent individual, but also need to maintain their own face, if the parents have no scruples to criticize the child in public, it will only make their self-esteem frustrated.
Educator Sukhomlinsky said: "The dignity of children is the most sensitive corner of the human psyche, and protecting children's self-esteem is the potential force for protecting children." ”
Do not criticize your child before going to bed
If the child falls asleep with negative emotions, the child will be prone to restless sleep, and even have nightmares, which greatly affects the quality of sleep and is not conducive to physical development.
Therefore, in criticizing the child, parents should also eliminate the "before going to sleep" and give the child a stable and peaceful sleeping environment.
8 scientific methods that criticize children
Good education, rewards and punishments are clear; good parents, discipline synchronization.
"Jade is not carved into a vessel, and a tree is not repaired or made of wood." If you want your child to grow up well, parental discipline is essential, and the following 8 scientific criticism methods are learned:
Allow the child to explain
Whether the child is right or wrong, allow the child to explain it himself. Parents should remain neutral and objectively evaluate whether and why their children are doing wrong.
Learn to think differently
Parents should think differently, understand the purpose of their children's actions, and find the entry point for criticism.
And let the child think in a different position: "If you are that person, how will you feel, and is it right to do this?" ”
Start with self-criticism
Before criticizing the child, the parents first carry out self-criticism, lower their stature, and quickly close the relationship with the child.
Parental self-criticism can also allow children to learn self-reflection.
Only right things are not right people
If the child does something wrong or does not do a good job, the parent's first reaction is not scolding, but guidance.
Talk about things and let your child understand why you can't do this and what the consequences of doing so will be.
Teach your child to correct mistakes
We should not blindly criticize, but let the child realize the mistake through the scientific method and find a way to correct the mistake.
Choose the right time
You can't criticize your child when he gets up, before he goes to bed, when he eats, or when he is sick, which will directly affect his physical and mental health.
Adopt a kind attitude
Criticizing children ≠ scolding children, parents can not vent their emotions to their children, they should point out mistakes concisely and concisely, and then educate. Don't turn over old accounts without moving, let the child resist admitting mistakes, and disobey discipline.
Respect your child's self-esteem
Don't criticize the child in front of outsiders, and don't beat and scold the child in front of his classmates and teachers.
Not only adults need to be respected, children also need to be respected, and children's hearts are more fragile and sensitive than we think.
The famous educationalist Sukhomlinsky said: "If we express the whole essence of family pedagogy in a few words, it is to make our children firm people, able to set strict demands on themselves." ”
This is the direction of our education.